Mercyful Fate interview

Interview with King Diamond conducted by Bill Zebub for Issue #16 of THE GRIMOIRE OF EXALTED DEEDS MAGAZINE.

EDITOR’S INTRODUCTION:  I had run a contest for readers to make their version of the cover of the NUNS HAVE NO FUN EP, using photographs.  It was meant for humans to imitate the drawing on the album, but the winner actually used dolls.  This picture was later used for movie covers – twice, actually.

 

You’re aware of the contest for the front cover.
Yeah, I’m looking forward to seeing that.
I received some very strange photos. Some person (Damian Pring from Yardley, PA) depicted the Nuns Have No Fun cover with dolls. When I first looked at the pictures I was asking myself what sort of strange effect was on the photographs. Then I realized they were dolls.
That’s creepy, in a way, isn’t it?
It’s more creepy than a real life photo could be.
The King Diamond album The Graveyard has this lunatic in it. He’s killing off people and hanging their heads on the wall. He suddenly sees them as dolls.
There is an instrumental version of The Immigrant Song done by Mercyful Fate somewhere on this planet that you haven’t found yet.
I think either they threw the tape out or they went over it. I remember us trying it, and it didn’t work. It just would not sound right. So I doubt that it actually exists.
In those days they tried to save as much space on the reels as possible. It might have been an expense-cutting maneuver.
Yeah, and also, for the reissues Hank went into the studio where we recorded those albums and asked them for the master tapes. They said, “No, we sent them to Roadrunner”.  What? When? Then we spoke to Roadrunner, and they never received any tapes. So in between people they just disappeared. I do have some really old stuff. I told you about that before… that Black Rose stuff. Every time I play it I say, “God man, this sounds pretty fuckin’ cool”. Even though it’s a rehearsal recording, everything’s so clear. I joke with Brian Slagel. I say I have this thing that no one has ever heard. And he says, “Any time. Just say the word and i’ll release it.” 

kingdiamond02
You’re too much of a perfectionist for your fans, because there is a wealth of older stuff that you don’t want to officially sanction because of the drop outs and unstable recording levels.
You’re talking about the bootlegs.
Right. The song Nightmare, in its earlier stage…
The very first version was called Shadow Nights. Then it changed into Nightmare – the old version. Parts of that were mixed in with the Nightmare you hear on Don’t Break the Oath.
I have the recording of the concert with Shadow Nights, and that was when you yelled, “I hate disco!”
We were booked in a very wrong place. We were booked in a school, and it was the school’s last night. They thought they were getting a disco band. So there were ten people in the middle. The rest were boo-ing us, giving us the finger.
Truck Driver…
That was in a Michael Denner 3-piece band.
Danger Zone?
Yeah. That was when I was singing Mission: Destroy Aliens. It was written about this game where you shoot down these little things. You know what I’m talking about? Like an arcade game?
So it’s actually a song about a video game?
Yeah! That’s why it’s so horrible! I could not relate to it. What the hell was the other song? Of course, Truck Driver comes to mind. I almost refused. I asked, “Are you serious? You want me to sing this? Can I change some words?” I ride down the highway in my truck. I’m a truck driver. God! Where does that come from? You know? He’s never driven in a truck himself. Where would he get an idea like that?
I heard that Scandinavians have some sort of romantic notion of the cowboy subculture. And you are living in Texas…
(laughs) There you go. No, but serious, man… it was horrible. There was not 1% feeling behind it. It was a rock ‘n roll song first of all. It was not even metal. It was so not belonging anywhere.
The song Persecution came from that era too.
Right.
But that had feeling to it.
Well it was better than singing Truck Driver. So you might have gotten 25% out of me there.
I want to get back to the song A Dangerous Nightmare. Supposedly it came from a London performance. It has the catchy part of the version on Don’t Break the Oath.  Over it you sang the words “Eyes of Fire”. Does that ring a bell?
It might be something that John Kibble recorded, you know.
That’s where I got it.
Well, there you go. He didn’t tell us about everything that was going on. Believe me. We didn’t know about certain shirts that were sold. Then we saw one. What the hell was that? “Hello dude. What are you making on that?” Then he had to explain that it was just for promotion and no profit. Yeah, right.
I bought 7 cassettes from him for $40. But I am not accusing him, because if it weren’t for him, the world would never have these songs.
As long as people know these are bootlegs. That’s what bothers me. When some of it came out, also with him involved, it was presented as real albums. They even convinced some chains to carry the album. They (the F.B.I.) found the storage in London, and destroyed the whole shit. 5,000 or 10,000 copies were destroyed.

That’s quite a lot of copies.
He was selling to normal stores! I could go to Blockbuster and find it. You’re selling bootleg albums? “No, no. It’s from this record label here.” Three months after they destroyed it it was in the market again, but not in the shops though. It was presented as a genuine release, and that’s where you go really wrong. A person coming in for the first time, picking it up… “God, this really sucks!”

I actually heard that comment from someone who bought the Satan’s Nightmare bootleg album.
There was another one… Live From The Depths of Hell.

Yeah, that was the album that got me into Mercyful Fate. I’m sure you know the name Gene Khoury.
Oh yeah…
He played live Into the Coven on his radio show, and he’s kind of responsible for me knowing anything about real metal.
He’s one of the early guys.
Yeah. But the passion in your voice on that song (Into the Coven) was spellbinding.  On the song A Dangerous Nightmare, your voice is so powerful, and I think it would be such a novelty for it to be released in some official way. But I guess the person who has the master tape would be John Kibble.
I would imagine so.
I have not been able to track him down.
When you bought the tapes that long ago, did you buy them form a U.S. address?
I wrote to the fan club address on the back of the Melissa album. My letter was answered with a flier from England, and it listed a band bio as well as a menu of tapes, and I bought them all. But anyway, I tried to write him again because my tapes have degenerated over time, and I thought his would be the most pristine on earth. But what I now know, and it is quite a surprise to me, is that he has the master tapes to those live shows.
That’s because it was never intended to be recorded anywhere. He must have had a tape recorder set up somewhere without anybody knowing it.. just recording shit and then selling it. Suddenly these bootlegs appeared out of nowhere. Then when you track it down and start asking people where they got it… “Oh, John Kibble.”  What? He’s recording us? He’s supposed to work for us, but he records our stuff and releases them as bootlegs. Gee, that’s great. But I don’t know of a set from London recorded live. We played two shows back then in London… small clubs, while we were doing the B.B.C. sessions. He must have recorded one of those.
Yeah, the other two songs from that bootleg are a version of Satan’s Fall with different lyrics… instead of “I don’t need your god” you sing “Satan is better than god”.
Yeah, that’s right. That’s a super early version.
Then there was Nuns Have No Fun. There might have been a mike problem because the first verse wasn’t sung. But it’s so interesting for a fan. I can understand not wanting to have people listen to that stuff as a first-listen. But it’s extremely interesting.
Let’s say our fan club in Holland… if they had those things available for fans to buy through them, I wouldn’t care about that. But then, I know it’s a fan who already knows about the band, and it’s not going to be misunderstood. You know what I mean? If we had a good version of it and could mass produce it in a responsible way, then I’m sure that the record label wouldn’t bother if it was sold through the authorized fan club, because we don’t get any money – the fan club is run by some people in Holland who have been given the right to run the fan club. If they want to do something, they just have to ask us. They don’t have to account to us in any way.

Let’s talk about some of the changes in Mercyful Fate. I noticed you kind of dispensed the vibrato. Your voice does not waver so much anymore.
Oh it definitely does, Bill.  I remember making the songs on this last album, and it was so hard making the backing vocals vibrate the same way as I just did for the lead. I do it by feel, you know. I don’t think about it. I do it naturally. They say in the control room, “You’re vibrating a little off”. and I’m like, “Let me hear it again.” Then I’m like, “Ok, don’t think about it. Just sing it. Let it come by itself.” But there’s definitely vibrato still. Did you not listen to the new album?
I did, but I only got it today.
Oh ok, you’re excused. That’s a thing that, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t get rid of because I do it automatically.
Perhaps it is just a confusion of words. Perhaps I meant “operatic vocals”. There was such a heavy amount of sorrow in your voice in the early Mercyful Fate days.
You know what I think you’re talking about?  Vibrato will come in there to some degree no matter what I do, right?  You’re probably talking about the exaggerated vibrato.

Yes! The character singing that you invented in the King Diamond albums kind of loses the classical sound that the early Mercyful Fate albums had. The vocals seem more lively… more upbeat. In the past, you had a very dark way of singing. Did you notice the transition?
No… I can’t even relate to what you’re saying. Now I’m gonna go and listen to every album again.
It’s more like the color of the voice. You had such a tonal sadness.
Well, I was unhappy the day I sang the Melissa song. Now I’m so fucking happy all the time. But seriously, I have not noticed any difference. I think that it has a lot to do with what kind of music you’re presented with. It might be the tempo of the song. Melissa is a slow one. It depends on how much of that music there is to sing it to. It could also be the choruses of A Dangerous Meeting. It opens up for choirs because it’s so melodic… and it’s slow tempo. If you sang it straight, without vibrato, it sounds lame. I don’t think that any of what I’m doing today sounds lame or uninspired. But I am going to listen to the albums because you brought it up. I don’t take it as bad criticism. I always take it as good. I might be missing out on something here.
I will never ask you anything out of disrespect, or out of criticism.
I’m positively going to go back and listen to some of it because… you might have a point is what I am saying. I mean it, seriously. That’s how I started singing falsetto, you know. Some guy told me, “Hey, you should work more on that.” Yeah, I think I will do that.

king diamond
King Diamond

 

Malevolent Creation interview

Interview with Phil Fasciana conducted by Bill Zebub for the Grimoire of Exalted Deeds magazine.

 

EDITOR’S INTRODUCTION:  This was the second interview conducted with Phil Fasciana.  When I first interviewed him there was a fake story about how a huge amount of people returned an album to the record label with a swastika inside a circle and a slash (like the Ghostbusers circle, in case you don’t know what I am talking about).  I found out that only one person returned the album, and that person was white.

When I conducted that first interview with Phil, I formed the impression that he was an extremely cool person.  When we did the interview, it was as metal people who were having a lot of fun.  maybe the rest of the world acts as if reality takes place inside a corporate office environment with a Human Resources manager overlooking every word that is spoken, typed, or read, but metal people consider that to be toxic.

As brainwashing became more prevalent in education (students are taught WHAT to think instead of HOW to think) – some of the victims of this propaganda have brought fagginess to metal.  Some of these pseudo-melalhead people have blogs and fanzines – they react to interviews like this with gayness.  They have conducted witch-hunts and caused problems for this band.  My only suggestion is for them to listen to music that is more akin to their gay personalities, but then, there are a lot of faggy bands disguised as metal, and there are lots of faggy trends, including gay hairstyles and faggy facial piercings, that have infiltrated.  But make no mistake – these are detested by real metalheads.

This introduction should have prepared you for what you are about to read.  When I conducted this second interview with Phil, I was trying to do so in the fun way that we had done it before, but he had suffered some consequences for the jokes.  When we began this interview he couldn’t tell me because he knew that when I hit the “record” button, I print everything that was said.  But when we spoke conversationally he mentioned how surprised he was by some of the backlash.  I told him to relax because the reactions were fake, by fake people.  I understood REAl people and REAL reactions, and assured him that any sensible person can see the humor. Well, maybe it can take a few readings before the clues are noticed.

If you continue reading, please bear in mind that Phil Fasciana is a cool person.  If you see him at a show, buy him a beer and have a chat – you’ll be able to tell within seconds that he is a down-to-earth person.  Don’t let your brainwashing make you see things that aren’t there.

 

 

The golf field is known as a place of business deals.  When Malevolent was dropped from Roadrunner Records, is that how you wound up on Pavement?  You were golfing, and so was a faggy dude from Pavement.

Yep.  I beat Greg and Mark in a brutal match.  Not only did I beat them in golf, I beat them to death with my clubs until they offered to sign us. 

 

Do the proceeds of the new album go to the KKK?

No.  They’ll be going to the Phil Fasciano Golf Fund Program, so i can afford to golf every single day.

 

Why does the word “nigger” appear so often in your autographs?

My autographs?

 

I heard from a Floridian that you autographed the back of a 12-pack, and it said “Kill niggers” on it.

(laughs)  Well then that wasn’t me.  Someone just did that.  It wasn’t me.  Don’t start trying to get me into trouble.  All right?  I know I never did that.  It could’ve been someone else.  But I doubt that also. 

 

Would you like to share your opinion about the word “nigger”?

I really wouldn’t.  I don’t even want to get on that kind of subject.  You’re getting me in trouble.  I don’t have no problems with nobody anymore.

 

Anymore?  At one time you did, though.

No!  I’d rather not comment on anything.

 

Come on!  This magazine is not read by any politically-correct people.

Jason’s not in the band anymore.

 

Was Jason a nigger?

Yes, in the sense of the word.  Do you know what I mean?  If you look under the word in the dictionary, it says slacker.   We all know what a slacker is.  It doesn’t have anything to do with race.  Believe me, I know white people that are the worst people ever.

 

Ok, now we’re talking!  The old Phil whom I used to know, when Malevolent Creation was considered to be a brutal band, used to use the word “nigger” all the time.  What happened to that Phil?

I don’t know.  I don’t know where you knew this old Phil.  You’re still trying to get me in trouble.  I don’t know why you’re saying this.

 

Weren’t there some problems with the use of the word “nigger” on one of your albums?

Yeah, it was on the Eternal album.  It was the last word in the song.  It just said, “you fuckin’ nigger”.  We got all kinds of flack for it.  Everyone says that we’re a racist.  I can’t understand it because that is such a common word.  I can’t even believe that someone would freak out about it.  Whatever.  We’ve refrained from using it again.  Don’t look for it to pop up again any time soon.

 

But that’s almost like King Diamond omitting the word “Satan”.  He now knows that people understand the band, so that word isn’t going to turn anyone off.  So do you think that when you grow more secure in your fan base that you will use the word “nigger” again?

It ain’t comin’ back.  It was a mistake to do it in the beginning.  You better stop and get off this subject right now!

 

Would you allow me to ask another nigger question?  Just one more question?  (just silence)  Isn’t is silly how that particular sensitive issue can destroy a band?

It is.  Believe me, man, you wouldn’t believe how serious people take that until you go to a country like Germany.  You see people throwin’ shit and bottles at ya.  I can hear them wiz past my head.  It made me realize how stupid something like that really is.  But it’s definitely an offensive word to some people.

 

One day, when your balls grow back, i want to see a song called “Nigger, Nigger, Nigger, Nigger, Nigger, Nigger.” just to show the world that they’re silly.  It’s silly to take such great offense.

No!  It ain’t gonna happen!

 

So there won’t be a day when you are entirely fed up with everything and you don’t care what you have to lose?

Listen, I say that word enough.  You know what I mean?  And I say it to everybody.  I think it’s funny.  I pick up the phone and people go like, “Hey, what’s up, nigger!”  And I have to laugh.

 

It’s just so amazingly funny how much tension there is in your voice.

I know… so let’s stop this.

 

Why are the lyrics of your new album written in ebonics?

Because Brett’s…  You’re gettin’ me goin’ again!  No!  There’s no ebonics!  I’m pretty sure he’s the furthest from ebonics! 

 

Roadrunner has re-mastered your first two albums on gold CD’s.

They have?

 

No.

All right, then you’re an asshole.

 

Is Malevolent Creation the official band of the Rainbow Coalition?

Are you talkin’ about that sticker that’s on the back of your car?  I’m surprised that you’re still alive, driving around with that thing on there. 

 

What did the rabbi say to the crippled Puerto Rican?

What?

 

I was hoping you would be able to make a punchline for that.

Man, I can’t even think right now.  I have no idea.

 

Isn’t that a common Puerto Rican response?  “Hey spic, can you sweep that floor?”  “No, I can;t even think right now.”

You need help.  You must have a lot of spare time to think of this shit.

 

Malevolent Creation was supposed to transform into black metal, but after putting on corpse paint, your nose was a little too big.  There’s just too much attention on the nose.

I look too much like that Mortiis dude. 

 

Are there any other racial jokes on the album?

No, no racial jokes.  No racial slurs.  Most of the songs are pretty much about war.

 

Race war?

No…  here we go again.

 

Isn’t it true that you had problems at the Customs in Germany?  Bringing over some equipment?

Not that I remember.

 

But isn’t your guitar in the shape of a swastika?

That’s fuckin’ nuts!

 

Did you know that most people who have their genitals pierced have been molested as children?

Ah, no.  But I don’t think I’ll be mutilating my genital area.

 

Have you ever seen Dave Vincent’s genitals?

No. 

GWAR

Interview with Oderus (Dave Brockie) conducted by Bill Zebub for issue #6 of “The Grimoire of Exalted Deeds” magazine.

I have heard that thou art proud of the musicianship on ‘Ragnarok.’
We’re proud of everything we do, of course, being self-lustering, self-involved, egocentric assholes. We love what we do. We do what we love. We do what we can. We can what we do. And this time we’ve really gone and gone and done it!

Oderus Urungus
Oderus Urungus

Were there different musicians on the “Scumdogs” album?
We’ve had some line-up changes, yes, in the sense that the slaves that used to support us have now been reduced to pulp.

Thou taketh people from the audience and then mutilate them on stage?
Yes, and they beg for us to do it.

And thou art from another planet?
Yes. Thank you. Yes.

When thou taketh a member from the audience, thou art abducting the person.
In a sense.

But what goes on at thy shows is different from what I have read of alien abductions.
There have been abductions that occurred beyond what GWAR would do in its own naughty way. At our shows gray aliens have visited. It’s rumored they will do so on this tour.

Really?
Yes, and they will core my anus.

Oderus Urungus
Oderus urungus

Ragnarok is an asteroid?
It is. It’s Doomsday Comet.

What role does it play?
Well, it plays a role in that it’s on a collision course to obliterate your planet, end your life, cease your evolution, and reduce this body unto dust. It will be colliding, scientists and top blunderers predict would be the downtown Los Angeles area somewhere around the end of the millennia, year 2,000. All the signs are pointing toward total devastation. We have here the end of the millennia. We have rock ‘n roll music. We have here nuclear bombs. And we have GWARI All the signs are there.

Thou art very eager to escape the earth.
It’s my fondest desire, yes.

Thy plan, last time, involved the world maggot. That did not proceed well.
We had a little bit of a problem, yes. Didn’t quite work out the way we thought it would. The only way I can possibly rationalize that Is by saying that there’s two world maggots. That was the wrong one. The other one will be coming out later. Now of course that doesn’t matter anymore because the comet is coming. So now we are poised to fall even more miserably than we did last year.

What is thy problem with censorship?
I would say it was more the other way around.

But thy cuttlefish was taken.
W ell yes, my penis was amputated. We got a lot of publicity out of that… probably the most frequently asked question. What if they cut off your penis in front of leering thousands at an A.T.F. rally?

The reason why I ask is, it is claimed that GWAR blows censorship out of proportion for It’s own popularity.
We never claimed anything. We just raped the pope, and then they cut off my penis. Censorship spensorship!

Oderus Urungus
Oderus Urungus

What is thy feeling about A.I.D.S. and its origins?
GWAR created it. I suppose I’ll have to take credit for it. This new disease we have is even better.

What is the new disease?
We don’t have a name for it yet. But you can get it just by looking at someone who has it. You get pimples all over that turn into boils that turn into warts, all within a matter of minutes. These bloat with rancid pus. It explodes. Stinking vapors belch out and giant carnivorous worms crawl out of the hole, eating you and then attacking your neighbors. Yes, you can even get it if the person who has it is on television.

Really?
Yes! We’re very proud of it . . . GWAR Laboratories, bringing it to you, to forge a new tomorrow.

What dost thou do to prevent breast cancer?
Chop them off, mount them, tickle them.

In the past thou hast had celebrities like Michael Jackson appear on stage. It was not very polite what was done to him.
I thought it was. We jacked him offl And then he blew his wad. And then we ripped his penis off. No. It wasn’t a real penis anyway.

But celebrities are not uncommon on thy tours.
Everyone wants to get their share of the limelight with GWAR.

Oderus Urungus
Oderus Urungus

Who might we see on this tour?
This year will be the worst yet. I don’t know quite who we’re going to have up there. There have been rumors of summoning the rotten corpse of Jerry Garcia.

That would be a realm thou hast not explored yet.
We’re very upset that he died before we could get our hands on him. We’re going to bring him back from the dead. He’s going to play an idiotic and meandering guitar solo and then we’re going to bash him in the head and rip him to bits.

When thou wert arrested and had thy cuttlefish taken, was Biff Buff present?
No, no. But I believe Cobb Knobbler was.

Is it true that thou hast smoked crack with the arresting officers?
Well no… Mexican quaaludes. We were doing gypinal that night.

Which state has done this to thee?
I think it was North Carolina. Terribly embarrassing. Please, can we change the subject?

Sure.
I had to do a whole tour with a bloody stump.

Oderus Urungus
Oderus Urungus

Slymenstra Hymen once had her torch taken away from her and suffered a burn in the theft. Have other overzealous fans caused damage to GWAR?
No. I’d say it was definitely the other way around. Occasionally we have the bumbling idiot that might.get past security and thrash about on stage and grab a GWAR sword and try for the nearest exit. He is beaten mercilessly. Often I’ve had to pull the slaves off of people so I could have the honor of crushing their skulls.

Thou hast not changed much since thy early days, hast thou?
I’m committed to being the same. Every day I look in the mirror and I say, “Same! Same! Same!” It’s the shame of the same.

Is thy maker a god?
I’ve only seen his lips… his lips.and his sea of flame… the same lips that are on the credits on the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Thy maker, did he also make gloves?
Gloves? Who the fuck is that?

Well, I was wondering… if before thy creation people discovered thy maker’s intentions and protested, bearing signs that read, “MAKE GLOVES, NOT GWAR!”
That would be humorous if it had happened. But it had not, except on a lost episode of Celebrity Christmas.

There is always something that thou art. . . “against,” for lack of a better word. What is the present situation of mankind that aggravates thee most?
What we don’t like about mankind is mankind. The fact that they exist is enough to set us off on a genocidal holocaust that will engulf your world.

Thou art an epicurean. Thou dost enjoy sexual acts of all sorts.
I’m a blistering nub of clitoral pleasure.

How dost thou feel, since thou hateth mankind, and thou detest human breeding, about the pope spreading his command that there should be no birth control?
I think the pope should spread his cheeks. let little boys of Harlem pump shells into his ass.

Is he the only religious figure whom thou art against?
I will be against every religious figure, ramming my penis deeply Into them.

But the pope Is the only one, so far, whom thou hast bent over?
Oh I’d fuck God If I could only get Christ’s penis!

Oderus Urungus
Oderus Urungus

Deceased

interview with King Fowley conducted by the Neckless Troll for issue #9 of “The Grimoire of Exalted Deeds: magazine,

(Neckless Troll) Who do you think would win in a fight, Gordon Conrad or Cindy Brady?
I’ll go with Gordon.

(Neckless Troll) What about Gordon Conrad and Punky Brewster?
I’ll go with Punky. She’s got some big chest.

(Neckless Troll) Yeah, she’s hot now.
She’s got some big guns comin’ out now.

(Neckless Troll) I heard you were a vegetarian.
Huh? Totally untrue!

(Neckless Troll) Yeah, I found that hard to believe because you don’t get a body like yours stealing grapes. (editor’s note – Rob stole that insult from me)
Exactly.

I fuckin’ hate vegetarians. It’s cool not to eat meat if you hate the taste. But not to eat meat because you don’t want to hurt animals is fuckin’ ridiculous. We should hunt vegetarians.
Exactly. The whole world has always hunted the land to eat. Why, all of a sudden, is it a problem?

Is it true that when you were a younger kid, you had a love for ice cream sandwiches? There’s a rumor that, one day, an ice cream truck came rolling by, and you were completely hypnotized by the jingle of the truck, and you stampeded over a small boy and broke his legs to get to the truck.
Well, yeah. Definitely true. That’s where I got all my humor… from the Good Humor man. It wasn’t really ice cream sandwiches. It was more one of those rainbow push-up pops.

I heard that you punched a girl in the face because she took the last of the ice cream sandwiches.
No. I wish it were true, though. It was always those snow cones. But I stopped eating those fuckin’ things when I got stung by a fuckin’ bee one time. The fuckin’ thing came at me because of the shit… you know, the syrup is always all over your fuckin’ hands.

Do you still go into a feeding frenzy when you hear the ice cream truck coming? It’s just uncontrollable, huh? You just push everyone out of the fuckin’ way! 
You know, it’s weird that you said that because it’s kinda true. I play basketball down here at the courts, and the fuckin’ good humor man rolls up… I’m like, “Outta my fuckin’ way!!! Take the ball! Shove it up your ass! I’m gonna get me some ice cream!”

Do you have a preferred membership card?
I wish! I didn’t know they offered them. I don’t think I have enough credit to get one. So I’ll probably take one from somebody else.

( Editor’s note: The Neckless Troll was the fattest person in metal at the time of this interview, so it was off to see these questions coming from him) You seem to like foods that are high in fat. Aren’t you worried about clogging up your arteries? Dude, I can hear your cholesterol level rising.
Actually, to tell you the truth, I’m in pretty good goddamn shape for my age. I’m 29. But I’m a sports freak. I play basketball like 20 hours a week.

Are you part black?
No, no black. Actually, I’m the white-boy who can jump.

 Do you live in a predominantly “black” neighborhood?
On no. All white. That’s why my records are still here.

Deceased seems to be a pretty big band, no pun intended. Do you get a lot of chicks?
I can’t answer that, man.

(The Pot Calling the Kettle “fat”) I’m sure a lot of women go for that “Fruitpie the Magician” look.
Actually, yeah. I could if I wanted to. But I don’t. Well, I have a girlfriend, so… none of that for me. But actually, yeah. You’d be surprised what a personality can do for a man. It ain’t the looks. We all know that I’m a fat ugly jerk. But that’s all right.

 Is “King Fowley” your real name?
Yeah. Kingsly.

Did your parents name you that?
Yeah. My dad’s name was that.

Did they drink a lot of whiskey?
Actually, no one drinks in my family.

Crack, smack, or anything?
No.

 

Why do you dislike Immolation?
I don’t dislike Immolation. I just get a bad vibe from them. They just don’t seem friendly.

Did they steal your ice cream sandwiches, or something?
No. they never did that. I get along with Ross just fine. And the new drummer seems pretty cool. The other guys just never talk. They’ve always been kinda like distant and kinda like uncool with us for some reason. I’ve never known why.

I remember I met you one time at the “Lion’s Den” You were highly praising Raven from ‘86. Why? the band is gay. They were even gay in their day. I don’t understand.
Fuckin’ Raven rules! They definitely went through a gay period. I’ll give ‘em that.

Remember that album, The Pack Is Back?
That’s a gay album. That’s about as gay as it gets.

I’m surprised Relapse didn’t sign them.
That’s not very nice to say. Wiped Out makes Macabre sound like fuckin’ dorks.

Do you have to be from Virginia to like that kind of music? Is there a lot of incest going on in Virginia?
I hope so.

How old were you when you kissed your cousin?
I don’t have any cousins.

I’m sure Virginia’s a nice place. I’m sure you live in a beautiful trailer park.
Actually, I don’t think there’s any trailer parks in Virginia. Maryland is where all the trailer park white trash is.

If you run into a room, wearing all purple, would someone shout, “Hey Kool Aid!”?
I hope so. Maybe they’ll stop calling me the undertaker from W.W.F.

Do you like the bands on Relapse?
No. Not at all.

 

Isn’t Relapse pretty politically correct?
They could be all they want. But Deceased is definitely not! We don’t stand for that shit at all!

 

Well, that’s the last question, unless you have something you want to add.
Yeah. Let’s do an interview sometime.

King Fowley
King Fowley

(Editor’s Postscript: The Neckless Troll was chosen to conduct the interview because he knew about the band, and Bill Zebub did not.  Looking back, it might have been a mistake.  The Neckless Troll had dripped out of school at the age of 15 in favor of working in a supermarket and hadn’t developed intellectually since that time.  He’d occasionally  make a funny statement or ask a funny question, but not enough to justify him being assigned to interview a band.

Bill Zebub met King Fowley at a horror convention after this issue was published.  It was a fun time, and King Fowley proved to be an ultra cool character).

 

 

Anal Cunt

Interview with Seth Putnam conducted by Bill Zebub for issue #8 of “The Grimoire of Exalted Deeds” magazine

INTRODUCTION:

This interview was conducted during a time when metal people were not brainwashed by the fascist politically correct agenda.  Metalheads were not afraid to say what they wanted to say, whether it was honest communication, or words that were meant to irritate.  Seth Putnam was a master of angering people.  It has never been confirmed if he was saying and doing things for shock, or if he actually meant what he said.  As with all interviews, bear in mind that the chat is with an entertainer who knows that he is being recorded for the purpose of being read by the public.  This was not a private conversation, although there are moments that can be considered to be abn aside here and there.  But at the time of this interview, Bill Zebub published every word that was said, even in some cases when people said “Don’t print this.”

Hopefully you will enjoy this legendary interview.  If you become angry, then it is because you chose to become angry.  Or your brainwashing has resulted in a reaction without thinking.  Please switch to a more stupid entertainment scene like rap or hardcore. 

What’s the matter? You don’t sound happy to talk to me.
I’m just totally drunk. Did you get the new album?

Yeah, I was mad that there was no song about the Grimoire in here.
I only write negative stuff, and the Grimoire is one of the few magazines that I like.

On stage, didst thou ever have the crowd perform a group Zieg Heil to thee?
Many times.

Wert thou in an SS uniform?
I wish I was.

Swastika?
I wish I was.

So how did that go over?
We’ve done songs by racist bands live a million times and it has always been well received by the crowd. Are you familiar with the band Vaginal Jesus?

Ain’t never.
I’ll send you a copy. Actually they’ve been around since like 1988. They make Screwdriver sound like the most unracist band ever. We do Vaginal Jesus covers a lot. You know how oi bands are racist bands… sort of like cover up things… Vaginal Jesus is completely blatant like, “I hate niggers” or “I hate jews.” So we do those covers a lot. People know that we’re friends with Vaginal Jesus, and when we do those songs everyone is totally psyched.

People say in the same breath that when they see thee Zieg Heil…
What?

While thou art trying to make people Zieg Heil…
Can you talk in normal English? Can you talk in American? You can write it later in like gay pompous English.

No, I’ll do you a favor since I do it to Swedish assholes because they can’t understand me either. While you’re making people Zieg heil you…
We don’t make them do it. They just do it by themselves.

Are you sure?
Yeah. I don’t force anyone to do it. But when people do it I’m psyched. I don’t stop them from doing it. I’ll do it as an example and people will keep doing it, but I’m not against other people doing it and I’ve never frowned on other people doing it. Actually I encourage it and try to get them to do it some more.

There’s a cute cartoon of Hitler with a punk near him with a thumbs up, showing that he’s cool, and Hitler looks really proud that a young punk enjoys him.
On our new cd?

Yeah. People don’t understand this because they say to me, “Why does Seth make fun of jews when he is one himself?”
I’m not a jew. I’m half English and half Irish.

But they say that Putnam is highly jewish.
Actually Seth is kind of a jewish name. Putnam is kind of an old English name.

Funny you have an old English name but you can’t understand Olde English.
Because why would I care about that when it has nothing to do with that anymore?

Are you positive you’re not just trying to hide your jewish identity?
No! I’m not a fuckin’ jew!

Because that’s what jews do, you know.
No. I’m not a fuckin’ jew pretending that I’m Italian or something like that. I look like an Irish person.
Well you drink like an Irish person. You’re fulfilling that stereotype.
Basically I’m.. if you really want to know my ethnic background… I’m a quarter Irish and a Quarter English. My father’s side of the family was English and they came here in 1630. And my mother’s side of the family… there was a potato famine.

Are they Irish jews?
No. We all hate jews. My mother hates jews. My father hates jews. Well actually my father’s job is deporting people actually. I’m not even trying to be funny.

Do people cry when he tells them “Get out”?
He tells me all these hilarious stories like people pretending they can’t speak English and he goes, “Oh, I’m going to deport you” and they all of a sudden know how to speak English. Me and my father don’t get along that well, not because of those reasons but… but I think that it’s totally cool that he deports people and he volunteered to be in Vietnam and everyone was avoiding the draft. He re-enlisted like three times because he’s all into killing people.
I’m glad that I’m interviewing you because , out of all the bands I’ve interviewed, no one has ever produced as much mail as an Anal Cunt interview.
You promised me you’d send me magazines and you haven’t, you fuckin’ jew. What does it cost? Like fifty cents? You kike! I haven’t gotten a new Grimoire in a while, you raging jew! When people ask me how much racist I am I’m not gonna back down.

I enjoy the fact that you magically seem to find the worst thing to say.
I don’t know if I told you in person, but I think Grimoire is the only magazine worth reading since Kick Ass in the early ‘80’s. Every other fanzine is gay. Everyone cares about things. Anyone who cares about anything is fucking gay faggot. You know I’m married now?

You’re married?
I’ve been married for almost a year.

Do you treat her like shit?
She thinks about 99.9% about the same way that I do.

Really? So she believes that she should pay your way?
She’s a total fuckin’ cunt. She like hates everyone.

Do you use her credit card to finance your tours?
No because she doesn’t have one.

Is she as fat as you are?
She is basically a female version of me. Actually she’s not fat. This is a nonfat female version of me.

I heard that there’s this girl Kim G.who wanted to get all the tattoos that you have, or a tattoo of you, or something like that.
She got my name tattooed.

What did you do to her that made her so enamored of you?
Nothing.

Did she want to play keyboards for Anal Cunt?
I was going through this really bad period where I tried to fuck over girls really bad. We still get along on the phone and stuff like that. But she’s like totally in love with me. She got her name tattooed on my arm… on her arm.

She had her arm tattooed on her name?
No, she had her… my name tattooed on our arm. It’s so gay-looking. It’s the A.C. logo, it says “Seth” and a microphone with a mike cord coming off it. It’s really terrible-looking.

Now why would a racist like you go out with a gook?
Because I hated her.

Oh I get it.
Basically I was coming off this really long term relationship. I was going out with someone I really liked. And basically I just tried to like fuck over every girl on the planet because I was anti-woman.

Did she steal any of your equipment?
No. It’s like a regular guy thing… I tried to put my sensitive side… no, I went out with a girl for a couple of years and I was really pissed. I got all these girls to love me and then I just fucked them over.

Did she smell down there?
No, not really?

You don’t fulfill your husbandry duties?
My wife or the other girl?

The other girl.
She didn’t really smell bad. Actually Kim G. gives really good blowjobs, for any guys who…

I heard that you carried around a Lysol spray can and you always used to spray her groin just to publicly humiliate her.
That’s a good idea. I wish I did. I didn’t do it though. I haven’t seen her in like four years.

Your reputation precedes you. I guess that was just an Internet rumor. Any other rumors.
There’s so many I don’t even know about.

There was a guy in a wheelchair who came up to one of your shows, and his history is, he had leukemia…
(Seth starts laughing)

He beat it… but when he has a spinal tap it paralyzed him.
That’s funny.

He knows everything there is to know about Anal Cunt. I actually wanted him to do this interview, but I didn’t think it would have the same shock value.
You’re asking really boring questions, by the way. Especially with the new subject matter I expected… one thing I wanted to credit you on was the best interview you ever did was that Italian black metal band and asked what the difference is between a jewish nose… I was showing my wife this and like, this is the only good magazine. She thought it was the funniest thing ever because we hate jews. You can print that.

Well anyway, this guy in a wheelchair was talking to you. You were cool with him, he was cool with you. Then you got up on stage and made fun of him for being a cripple. You actually pointed him out and everything.
He’s a cripple. What am I gonna say? Oh, it’s really cool the way your pants fit. What else am I gonna say about him? Like, it’s great the way you can talk? You know? He’s a fuckin’ crip. You know that cover that we do of Elton John? I’m Still Standing? It’s goin’ out to that kid in the wheelchair. We’ve done that a million times for people who are crippled.

Did you get beaten up at that show?
No?

Did you beat anyone up at that show?
What show?

That show.
Yeah, I had a fight with my drummer. I don’t even remember. I was so fuckin’ demolished. I had no fuckin’ idea what happened.

I first learned that your violence is not a character thing… it’s not fake like a pro wrestler. I remember we were at a bar. We arm wrestled. I beat you.
I couldn’t even speak. I was so fuckin’ out of it.

But the thing is, I beat you and then you punched me in the stomach full force. So I guess that’s not an act.
Dude, if I wasn’t like totally drunk I’d beat you.

Have you ever thought about going to therapy for your alcohol problem?
Why? Like, there’s no reason. I have a whole life of boredom. I’d rather have a whole life of being a fuck up than like going to AA meetings 7 days a week. Why bother? It’s gay. I’d rather like be arrested every day and be an asshole. I can take care of myself.

You left a path of destruction. One of the guys from Grief is toothless because of you.
That was funny. Actually the funny thing is, before that happened I was very good friends with him. he had… like his teeth were all fucked up and he was like, “I can’t even eat corn on the cobb. My teeth are all fucked up. I wish that I got fake teeth.” And then when I knocked out his teeth he started crying about it. What the fuck? What a pussy. He had the worst teeth. A guy from England couldn’t have had worst teeth than that guy.

Speaking of which, I think Lee Barret sold his record label because of his alcohol problem.
Who’s that?

The guy from Extreme Noise Terror who was on tour with you.
That guy is gay, man.

Is he highly gay or just a little bit gay?
He’s a run of the mill gay. How can anyone have an alcohol problem? Dude, I’ve been like a completely savage alcoholic for like ten thousand years and it doesn’t mean anything. It’s… like I’ve done every drug on the planet for months at a time.

You’re a garbage pail.
What’s that mean?

You do every drug there is.
Obviously. Do you have any? Do you know where I can get some coke right now?

No, but I know where you can get some insulin, though.
Man shut up.

Ever do that?
No.

Everyone kind of hates you. But then there are people who really hate you. I want to know about those people.
Tell me who really hates me.

I want you to tell me.
Tell me.

Guess.
Stop being gay. Tell me who really hates me.

No.
Alright. Tell me who hates me. Stop being a jewish gay.

You know what I think would be great? If you me and some other assholes did a new fanzine.
Why don’t we do it then? I used to write for fanzines in the early ‘80’s. Why don’t we start our own fanzine then?

I was at a horror convention and King Fowley was there. First he made fun of me and wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise, telling me how much my mag sucks and I’m a sellout and stuff like that and he was threatening to kick my ass and blah blah blah. But then he said that he should write for me because the people who write for me are lame. To prove it he started yelling in the hotel lobby, “I’m a nigger killer. I kill niggers!”
No he didn’t. He’s just a poser.

He did it.
No, he wouldn’t do that.

He did. I was there. Then I left to get him a Grimoire t-shirt because he’s cool.
How come I don’t have one?

What’s your size? XXXXL?
Is it black or white?

Black.
Ok… XL. Yeah right. You’re all blah blah blah. You never send me anything you fucking jew.

He’s a jew?
No… you.

Me?
Bagel Bub. Bagel Giant.

Well anyway, I went out, and when I came back and I guess some people confronted him about it and before I knew it, police led him away. I was just wondering what you thought of that.
About what?

About King Fowley being led away for threatening all the lives of black people in the hotel.
I wish he’d killed the black people.

What do you think of him on an asshole appreciation level?
All my encounters with King Fowley… he’s been really cool. I have nothing bad to say about him. I think his band sucks. But every time I’ve met him he’s been really cool.

Do you think that if we did a fanzine he’d be our equivalent in asshole level?
I don’t know. I meet him like once every six years. I think if me and you do a fuckin’ fanzine it would be, like, the worst! It would be beyond awful.

I wanted to do one a while ago with all the assholes I knew.
I hope I was involved in the assholes being picked for the project.

I don’t think I knew you back then. I knew of you. There was this guy Mike Campbell from Sepulchral Voice. He had a cartoon of Bobo the fag-bashing clown. Well, the asshole idea was for us all to be anonymous because we are pretty ballsy normally. just imagine what we would be like if we didn’t have to face people.
No. If I call someone a nigger or a jew or a faggot I want to have my name behind it.

Yeah, you’re not afraid of having an entire club come after you. When was the last time that happened?
Never. Every time I like challenge someone no one wants to do anything.

Can you name any popular dude who has a really big problem with you?
Not that I know of. But I hope Chris Barnes does, and then I want to fight him immediately. It’s an open invitation. Actually, that song “Chris Barnes is a Pussy” on the record is an open invitation for him to fight me any time he wants to.

The funny thing is, Metal Blade… when they had a really gay publicist… a supergay publicist called me to interview Six Feet Under because they paid of ran ad. Then I got a call on the day of the interview and the homo said that Chris Barnes refused to do the interview.
He’s a fuckin’ gay fag. That’s why.

Is it because he has dreadlocks?
It’s because he’s a gay homosexual faggot, and he’s also gay.

Is there any truth to the rumor that Eric Clapton is suing you?
We wrote a song originally called… what the fuck was it called. (Very long pause in which Seth kept screaming “fuck”) Basically it was about Eric Clapton’s kid committing suicide because he sucks. It’s something about that. It’s about his kid committing suicide because Eric Clapton is the worst song writer on the planet. I can’t remember the actual song title because I’m really drunk. Shit! What the fuck was it called? Eric Clapton… blah blah blah.

I was wondering if Eric Clapton actually threatened the label or is Dig a pussy?
It’s just the label worried that they would get sued. If he found out, Eric Clapton’s lawyers would cripple Earache so bad.

Like that guy who was at your show?
See, with “Easy E Got AIDS From Freddy Mercury” they’re worried about whoever owns the rights to them.

I don’t even know what that is. Easy E… is that a workout machine?
It’s some nigger from NWA. All the songs they thought they’d get in trouble for… they shortened the names.

Have you ever wondered how far the mercury rises in Freddy Mercury’s thermometer?
(Sarcastically) That’s funny.

Eric Clapton couldn’t possibly find out. What do you usually sell? Like 6,000 copies? Or is it more because it’s mandatory for every jew to have a copy?
I think the name of the song is “Eric Clapton’s Kid Committed Suicide Because His Father Sucks.” What was the question?

Getting back to you hiding your jewish identity…
I’m not a fuckin’ jew. I hate jews, and you can quote that.

Don’t jews try to mongrelize everybody. Aren’t you trying to mongrelize with the other fat dirtbags in death metal?
I’m not gonna deny being a fat slob. But I hate jews, and I have nothing to do with being jewish?

Isn’t that what jews said when German soldiers went into their houses and asked, “Are you a jew?”
That’s hilarious. I’m glad that happened. Did you hear the stories about me stealing stuff from concentration camps? I was at two concentration camps and I stole…

Were you trying to save a little bit of your ancestors?
Shut up you fuckin’ faggot! I stole some ash from the oven.

Was it your uncle’s ashes?
No! I’m not a fuckin’ hebe!

Are you sure?
No! You can quote me. I’m not a fuckin’ jew!

Do you have the hebe jebees?
Why do you think I’m a fuckin’ jew?

Everyone’s telling me that you are. I’m just trying to be nice.
Whoever says that I want to fight them.

It was that cripple. His name is Rob. He’s going to review your album.
I’m going to step on his face.

What is your most jewish feature, if you were a jew, though? Like, physically?
I don’t think I have one.

Isn’t there a manual on how to discover jews?
How about this… don’t you think that Mortiis looks like a jewish Vulcan?

Well, Mr. Spock… that actor.. what was his name?
 Leonard Lemoy.

Yeah… he’s jewish. As a matter of fact that live long and prosper thing is a jewish thing… that’s a jewish hand sign.
So are you a fuckin’ jew?

Me? Why? Did you hear that I was?
Yeah.
No.
I’m not a fuckin’ jew either so shut the fuck up.

Unless someone forced a conversion on me. Hey, did you know that there’s a nigger Vulcan now?
I thought that Star Trek is so gay that I never really watch it. I think my wife’s friend’s father was outside my house and saying, “Voyager? What the fuck is this? There’s a fuckin’ nigger and a woman.. I’m getting tired of this! It’s so unrealistic!”

They’re trying to show that in this century niggers are not equal in intelligence to mankind, but like in the 25th century or wherever Star Trek is in gayland…
They’ll be all smart by then.

Yeah, they’re like Vulcans… you know… like superior.
Who cares?

Is there ever going to be a song called “Being Jewish is Gay”? Or would that offend your family?
Have you read the lyrics to “Being Ignorant is Awesome?”

No.
Why don’t you read them? Do you have them?

Alright. Track 33. Let’s see what they have to say… “I like to laugh at retards. I like to laugh at cripples. I like to make fun of gays. I like to beat women. I like assuming black people stole something. I like assuming jews jerk off to photos of banks. I like assuming Chinese people can’t drive.” Wow! That’s pretty good!
It’s pretty obvious you didn’t brush up.

Yeah. I try not to know anything about the new album when I interview somebody.
Yeah, I was really hoping for all these curtive comments about racism. I was ready to back up my racism.

Isn’t there a song about Dig that Earache totally censored the lyrics of?
Body By Auswitz? It’s basically about a fat guy who can’t lose weight so he goes to a concentration camp. It looked like Dig.. a big fat balding fat fucking pig. You hoard calories like Dig hoards cash. He can’t have something so brutally honest about him on his own album. That’s the only gay thing he’s… I say stuff in some other song… like some woman-beating lyrics, and they were censored.

Isn’t it true that the only reason Anal Cunt is on Earache because jews stick together, and Dig, the grandfather jew, wanted you to have some sort of foot hold on music to mongrelize?
It has nothing to do with kikes.

No?
Not that I know of. Dig is a raging jew. I don’t know. It has nothing to do with that.

Did you ever pinch a girl’s ass?
Dude, why don’t you ask me like another boring question?

I was just wondering if you ever pinched a girl’s ass.
Probably. Yeah.

Did you think it was a penny?
You’re like totally boring. Your fanzine is going way down the hill, I expected way better questions than this.

What do you think of stereotypical jews? Have you ever encountered one?
Obviously! They’re fucking, like, jews! I hate them and I don’t like anything about them. What the fuck? What are you trying to write about?

I just want to know.
Give me like the description.

If someone beat you up in such a humiliating manner where like the guy slammed you into the ground and you were on your stomach the whole time.. on the ground face-first as he’s pummeling your body and you were in a chokehold when bouncers broke it up, would you tell everyone afterward, even though there’s 20 witnesses, that you were the one who came out on top?
No.

I guess you’re not a stereotypical jew. Is it easy to tell if a person is a jew by a flaw n their genes that makes them cross-eyed?
I know that a couple of them are fish-eyed. The eyes are totally bulging out. But I’m not really sure about the cross-eyed thing.

Do you think that a stereotypical jew is somebody who worked for relativity Records and then when they decided not to carry metal anymore and threw 10,000 cd’s in the dumpster…
Dude, you are asking me the most boring questions! You ask the most PC-ish questions, like “what if a guy maybe bought a bagel once with three mazza balls in his hands?” Dude, I’m like totally willing to be extremely racist and answer every question. I was like totally psyched for this interview until fuckin you’re acting like everyone else. I was totally ready to do a good interview and now you’re a totally faggot gay. You’re not interviewing some fuckin’ gay. You’re interviewing the worst person possible who’ll agree with anything you can think of. (pause) Do you have any drugs, by the way?

Me?
Yeah. Like, do you know how to get any?

Well you’re in the drug capital right now.
Do you know a place to get any, like right now?

Ask John Paris.
No, they don’t know anything.

Oh no, that’s sex change drugs. I’m sorry. How about Jorge? He’s like down.
No. Maybe ask Tom Pasquale.

Yeah. He’s a garbage pail too.
You don’t know a place to get any, do you?

Other than Pasquale? No. He’s like a dealer.
Alright. Let’s get this interview over. Stop asking gay questions. I’m still pissed, dude. I expected finally a good interview and you’re acting like fuckin’ a…

We’re getting there. I’m just feeling you out.
You’re asking questions for like a first grade magazine. I’m pissed.

I like when you have that gay voice. And I like when you do the falsetto thing, like in Gloves of Metal. Are you going to do more of that? I’m totally pretending that you’re actually an artist. Are you going to more of that?
It depends on how the songs go and if I think they need to have them in them. It depends what songs.

What do you think of bi-racial relationships?
Which ones?

I’m sorry. You had one with Kim Goss. How about with the dark folk.
I never had one of those.

Why not?
I hate niggers.

To the point where you won’t even smell one?
No. You can print that.

Yeah?
That will be big thing… niggers. When’s the last time you talked to Kim G. anyway?

I never talked to her.
Alright. Where did you hear that from?

I can’t reveal the dirt hounds.
Shut up you fag! i told you I hat niggers and let you print that in your magazine. That is like the most incriminating thing you’ve ever had in your magazine and you won’t give me an answer?

You’re the star. I’m just the interviewer.
Oh shut up you fag.

I don’t mean anything to the world.
Yes you do. Everyone’s waiting for you to fuckin’ get the worst out of everyone. Finally, I gave you a quote that no one’s ever given you. You can at least tell me who told you who that gook cunt…

No! If I reveal the dirt hounds then they’ll stop barking!
Ok. I won’t give you any more answers then. This is a fuckin’ gay interview.

I didn’t hear this from anybody, but… actually I did. The parental advisory stickers… I heard that you wanted to change them to “parental adversary”.
I had nothing to do with it.

Do you know who Reverend Al Sharpton is?
Yeah, some big fat nigger.

Doesn’t he look like Oprah?
I’m already familiar with what he looks like.

Let’s talk about some of your song titles because they in themselves are incredible… much more incredible than any question I can think of. Tell me what was going on when you wrote “I Became a Counselor So That I Could Tell Rape Victims They Asked For It”.
Because women are stupid cunts and I hate them and we thought it would be funny. We just played a show in like Syracuse and we did “Women: Nature’s Punching Bag” and they got all upset. So we wanted to do a song that was worse than that. We wrote that on the way home.

How about “I Sent Concentration Camp Footage To America’s Funniest Home Videos”?
We thought that was funny. I wish I did.

Why do you love the band Rancid so much? I don’t even know who they are.
Dude, we have an anti-Rancid song.

No you don’t. You glorify Rancid. I think the song glorifies them.
No it doesn’t. If you read the lyrics, it makes fun of them.

Ok, let’s read the lyrics. “Ska is gay. Reggae is gay. You’re fucking gay, and you’re not punk. You say you hate corporations but you were on NBC. London’s calling and it’s calling you gay.” So why are you judging who’s punk and who’s not punk? Are you a punk?
No, I don’t care about punk. I just don’t like Rancid.

“I Pushed Your Wife in Front of a Subway.”
That’s like a funny fantasy kind of a song.

“Extreme Noise Terror Are Afraid of Us” Is that because of Lee Barret?
No, it’s because we were supposed to go on tour with them and, once they found out we’re on the tour, they had us kicked off. They wouldn’t give us any explanation why they didn’t want us on the tour. We were supposed to tour Europe with them like two years ago. It was like, TNT, us, and EyeHateMonkey.

Is that like an anti-black band?
No… Iron Monkey… that total rip off of EyeHateGod. Once they found out we were on the tour, because I made fun of them so much, they didn’t want us on the tour so we got kicked off. They’re so popular that they used their popular-muscles I guess. So that was our reaction song to us getting kicked off the tour.

“I Sent a Thank You Card To the Guy Who Raped You.”
That’s just an idea that I thought was funny.

“I Lit Your Baby On Fire”.
Another idea I thought that was funny.

“I Intentionally Ran Over Your Dog”. “Women: Nature’s Punching Bag.”
We all hate women.

You hate women? Are you a male gogo dancer?
No.

“I snuck a Retard Into A Sperm Bank”.
What about it?

Wouldn’t it be funny if you snuck a retard into a sperm whale?
Yeah, it would be funny.

“I Ate Your Horse”.
That song sucks.

“Hitler Was A Sensitive Man”.
It’s a true story. Read the lyrics.

You’ve compelled me to read the lyrics. “He went to art school when he was younger.”
True.

“He wanted to be a painter. Hitler was a vegetarian. He was also a non smoker.” So what are you trying to say here about politically correct people?
I wrote a song about Hitler that’s all true so they can’t get mad at us. I wrote a song to piss everyone off, and they can’t get pissed off because everything wee wrote about is all true.

“He hired gay and handicapped officers. He was concerned about overpopulation. If Hitler were alive today he’d listen to The Cure, The Smiths, and Depeche Mode.” Dude, that is brilliant. You ever think about doing stand up comedy?
Yes. I thought about it for like 20 years.

You have to do it.
Read the lyrics. That’s my stand up comedy.

Dude, you have to do Anal Cunt Unplugged on MTV.
Those lyrics are basically stand up comedy.

“You Robbed A Sperm Bank Because You’re a Cum-Guzzling Fag”. Do you think that a fag could tell the difference between normal sperm and retard sperm?
They’re gay. They don’t know.

“I Made Your Kid Get AIDS SO You Could Watch It Die”. The lyrics have to be read. “A few years ago I snuck Freddy Mercury into your room. I gave him anesthesia so he wouldn’t remember getting raped. You spent your life savings putting your kid through college. Then he died of AIDS so you wasted your money for nothing. You thought your son was on a diet so you didn’t worry much. At the funeral I told you what happened and I laughed at you. I didn’t think you suffered enough so I shot your wife in front of you.” This is the issue that will end the Grimoire.
You sound like really held back. You’re not your usual self.

“Into the Oven”. Was that like Mercyful Fate’s “Into the Coven”?
No, that’s about Thanksgiving.

Do you think King Diamond’s cool?
I like three songs by him but I think his voice is gay and I hate Mercyful Fate. I like one song form the EP and two songs from the first album.

Are you going to do covers of them?
No.

“I Gave MAMBLA Pictures of Your Kid”. “The Only Reason Why Men Talk To You Is Because They Want To Get Laid You Stupid Fuckin’ Cunts”. “I Made Fun Of You Because Your Kid Just Died.” “Domestic Violence Is Really Really Really Funny”. “Dictators Are Cool”. Who’s David Buskin?
That’s a really popular songwriter.

Do you sing in falsetto or a gay voice on that song?
Normal voice.

“You’re Pregnant So I Kicked You In the Stomach”. “Tim is Gay”.
That’s our old drummer.

You have a problem with drummers, don’t you?
What can you do?

“I Sold Your Dog to a Chinese Restaurant”. “AC/BT” Is that about Brutal Truth?
We’re just making fun of them like really badly.

Do you think Rich from Brutal Truth is highly gay?
He’s not gay. He’s a shitty drummer.

Do you think you can beat him up?
I get along with him. But I think Scott lewis is a thousand times better.

Did you ever arm wrestle with him?
No. I want to wrestle you like totally sober some day. I’ll totally beat you.

Yeah? Will you punch me afterwards anyway because it’s like the normal thing to do?
Ah sure. Right now? Like, where are you?

No, I’m not in a physical position to do things with you right now.
What time is it anyway?

Like 5:38.
Oh fuck! I’m going to miss the bus!

How about your last song… “I Got an Office Job For the Sole Purpose of Sexually Harassing Women”.
What about it?

I don’t think you need an office job just to do that.
That’s just for a song, you know? I mean, all the bands you fuckin’ write about… all like famously gay death metal things… they’re all like skinny 16-year-old kids singing about how they’re going to kill someone. they’re all a bunch of pussies anyway. Who’s gonna write about something they’re actually gonna do?

What kind of music do you listen to?
The only thing I really like is like pre ‘84-’85 hardcore and death metal, and pop music. bands like Hellhammer, Bathory, Sodom, Venom, and Village People, Culture Club and shit like that.

How long are you staying in New York?
Like an hour or two.

Wow. That’s so cute.
Aw. You wanna hang out for an hour or something? Do you have any drugs?

You want me to give you Tom Pasquale’s phone number?
I already have it. He hasn’t called me back.

That’s unusual. He’s usually calling everybody like 50 times in a minute. It’s like he has the Harassment Speed Dial.
Everyone hates him. No one wants to deal with him. This is the one time I actually tried to call him.

When He calls you and babbles for an hour…
(Imitating tom) “So anyway I was breathing oxygen today….”

How do you control the phone call with him?
I’ve avoided talking to him for like 2-3 years. He used to be really bad… (Imitating him again) “So I was putting really nice pants on today…. blah blah blah.”

Did he ever go to Norway and throw your name around just so he could hang out with bands?
Why would he?

I heard that Norwegians really respect Anal Cunt.
Seriously?

Yeah.
Where did you hear that?

You know not to ask that question.
You’re making shit up.

I guess he was throwing someone else’s name around, like Raychele.
I don’t care. I actually hope everyone hates us.

He might be another person to have in our asshole club, but he’s too…
Too industry insider, and if he’s friends with someone he won’t bag on them.

As opposed to you who enjoys badmouthing everything possible.
I’ll badmouth my best friend, dude. That guy’s a gay fag jew.

Did you and Tom ever share a hotel room?
No. He stayed at my house before.

He stayed at your house? Did he talk to your parents?
No. I don’t live with my parents.

Why not?
Because I’m not, like, ten.

You’re breaking the stereotype of a person of your particular personality. Everyone thought you lived at home.
I lived on my own for ten years.

Why? Did you call your mother a whore or something and she threw you out?
No. Because I have a job.

You didn’t kick her in the stomach when she was pregnant with your little sister?
I might have called her a cunt. I’m like 31. I’m not gonna live with my parents.
Did you write a song about her?
No, but I called everyone else a jew and a cunt.

If you were a jew, would you reveal it?
Yeah. I’m not a fuckin’ jew.

 

NOTE:  There was more to this interview that might be included in the future.  The printed magazine has it all.  If you do not have it, suffice it to say that Bill Zebub was successful in making Seth Putnam angry – so angry that he hung up the phone.

A bit of insider knowledge here – Earache Records had Seth come to the NY office to conduct phone interviews.  They intentionally bought him a bottle of whiskey to bring out the worst in him.

Bill Zebub was unable to determine if Seth really was angry, but at a later date, a fan of the Grimoire bought a stack of the magazine to a show.  Seth threw a bar stool at his head and demanded that he tell his master to come 

When Bill Zebub heard this, he called Seth to ask what the problem was.  Seth complained that Bill Zebub kept telling everyone that Seth Putnam is Jewish. Bill explained that it was bis writer, Rob Noxious, who thought that it would be funny to make that a question in all of his interviews (DId you know that Seth Putnam is gay?).

Seth told Bill that he thought that Rob Noxious was an alias.  Bill explained that there is no need for a fake name, and that Rob Noxious is the cripple who was referenced in the interview, who is a die=hard fan of Anal Cunt. Rob thought that Seth would find that funny.

After Seth heard this, he simply said, “Ok, everything is cool then.”

Anal Cunt
Anal Cunt

Malevolent Creation

Interview with Phil Fasciana conducted by Bill Zebub for Issue #16 of the Grimoire of Exalted Deeds magazine.

Before you read this interview, you must understand that this was conducted during a time when metal people were metal.  The fagginess of the younger metalheads who were brainwashed in school has completely stripped them of anything even remotely resembling the metal attitude, so these gaylords are triggered by words, reacting in fear and faggy outrage.  

Intelligent and well-socialized people focus on the real context of the conversation.  

In case you are a fake metalhead, be warned that the following interview was made in the real metal attitude.  It’s a conversation between two metal personalities who were having a lot of fun.  please don’t let your brainwashing misinterpret this conversation.  And if you’re faggy, please don’t ever listen to metal.  Don’t bastardize this last bastion of truth.  

 

I hope thy sense of humor is with thee today.

You know Tim from Revenant?

 

Aye.

He lives down here now… and he told me to say, “What’s up?” to ya.’ He’s in my other band called Hateplow. You gotta wait til you hear this shit, dude. Pavement just signed us too.

 

Ask him to show thee my movie. He is in it. He told me about how much friendlier the women are in Florida, toward long-hairs anyway.

He’s having a good time.

 

The girls here call him “Tiny rim.’ But we shall not delve further.

(laughs)

 

When thy former vocalist was expelled was it done in a cruel way? I heard that thou art friends again.

Oh yeah. We’re friends and shit. At first it was a little fuckin’ screwy. But, I mean, we had to do it then. The kid was a fuckin’ mess. He wasn’t into it. His voice was fuckin’ shot. It woulda sucked ’cause I didn’t want to put out another album that sounded like Stillborn. Man! Was his voice shot! He had his mind on other things, and it wasn’t music.

 

In regard to the techno re-mixes, did anyone ever ask thee, “What kind of fag art thou?’

No. Not really, man. All I’ve been hearing is good things about it. People usually just hate my band anyway. They’re like, “Well, that I can handle. But the vocals on the other shit is just too much! I can’t take it!’ There’s a couple of my friends that laughed at first. That kind of music is popular. I had nothing to do with it. The guy that re-mixed them just did it on his own. We had no say in anything. We just said, “Sure man. Re-mix it. Then let us hear. If it sounds gay, then fuck it.” We thought it was pretty cool, man. If people don’t like it, fuck ’em!

 

Dost thou listen to Stryper?

Yeah, right! Do you?

 

I do not. But Dan Swano is convinced that everyone In death metal should just be brave and admit to listening t Stryper.

I can be honest with you. I don’t have any of their albums. (laughs) Wait… Do you want to hear the truth?

 

Yes.

I’ll be honest. I did see them live once. I swear to God, dude. When I was fuckin very young, man, and I still lived in Buffalo, man, I ended up going. They were playing with Loudness or something. And I went with my two friends, and dude, to make matters worse, I’m sitting by the back bar just drinking a fuckin’ Coke, man, and fuckin’ they’re whippin’ Bibles out into the audience, and sure as shit, I stick my hand up and caught one!

 

No!

I swear, dude! It was one of those little Bibles, you know, the size of your hand. My one friend, he’s all into them and shit, I gave It to him. He’s like, ‘It’s a sign!’ (laughs) I was like, “It’s all right, dude. I gonna go to hell anyway.

 

I cannot believe that Dan Swano was correct.

(laughs) He was right! None of my friends were really into them or anything. I did see ‘em live. I can’t even believe it. Now that you said that, I remembered it.

 

Dost thou have a story to tell about Jay and a fat girl?

Jay and a fat girl?

 

I heard that thou art fond of talking about lay’s fat girl stories.

The thing is, I can’t say anything like that because. . . there’s been a lot of fat girls. But I just don’t want this to get back to… he’s pretty serious with some girl right now.

 

Is she tremendous?

Tremendous? Well, it’s his girlfriend, and I don’t think I should be saying anything about anything right now like that. Believe me, me and you in person. . . we can talk. I can tell you some shit, man, that you will never believe. I can even show you pictures of things. I just can’t be doin’ that right now.

 

Dost thou consider fat girls to be one of the plagues of being a musician?

No, man. A fat girl is just more of woman to love. But I don’t really prefer fat girls.

 

Hast thou ever told any of the member of the band, “This is my new Girlfriend. She’s a little big. ‘

Of course, man. It depends on how much we’ve been partying. There’s always been lot of fat chicks known to be on the bus, or wherever we’re at.

 

Dost thou consider thy nose structure to contribute to unusual booger sizes?

Yeah. Probably. . . those little ether boogers. You can ask Tim about that.

 

Let us address thy love of golf.

Oh yeah! I just fuckin’ went yesterday and I went this mornin.’ But, yeah man. I’m a golf freak, dude.

 

I have heard that many business deals are made on the golf course. Is that where thou negotiated thy contract with Pavement Records?

I wish. No. Not those kinda deals. I have some other wheeling and dealing going on on the golf course. But not record contracts.

 

Dost thou elicit strange looks? Thou art hardly the sort of golfer I would see on the cover of Golf Digest.

I don’t know, man. I got a lot of shady-lookin’ friends that go with me. So, I probably look kinda a little more respectable than them. I mean, ya’ gotta wear the golf shirt – the collared shirt. It covers up a lotta my tattoos. I’m just so used to golfin’ all the time that I don’t think anything like that. I mean, I hope I do freak people out. I like when people get a fuckin’ shocker.

 

How didst thou become a golfer?

I used to live almost on a golf course when I lived in New York. I really don’t even know how it all happened.

 

Dost thou hire a caddy?

No. No. No. No. Nope. No caddy. I go golfln.’ It’s just me and my buddies. Smoke some joints, get into the cart. There’s a million courses here, dude. Everybody golfs, man.

 

Art thou part of a country club?

Yeah. I am.

 

Dost thou have a friend named “Muffy?’

No, no Muffy.

 

I would expect that a man in a band has plenty of muffies at his disposal.

laughs)

 

Were any of thy peers struck by lightning?

Nope. I hit a fuckin’ dude in the head, though, with a ball. I hit a few people, actually. I’m deadly, especially after a few beers. I took out a whole guy once. I thought I killed him.

 

Didst thou laugh when it happened?

Oh dude, I was dyin’ laughing.

 

How old was he?

Oh he was old, dude. He was half-dead anyways when I hit him, and I nailed him, He was driving in a cart and I still hit him. We heard it go peh-ping!

 

Didst thou ever suffer the cruelty of a golfball?

I got pegged right in the chest, man. It didn’t feel too good. It was a lady that did it too. She was teeing off, and she fuckin’ shanked it!

 

Did any band ever really piss thee off

I’ve read some interviews where bands are talkin’ shit about us. Everybody will talk shit. But they’ll never say it to your face. They live on the other side of the world. Gorefest was talking shit about us. This was when their first album was out. They were braggin’ about how brutal they were, and they’re sayin’ that we’re a thrash band and this and that… there’s no brutality about us and this and that. Listen to them now. They’re fuckin rock ‘n roll!

 

Hast thou ever pissed a band off?

I might’ve. I don’t know.

 

Thou art not aware of any current hostility?

Why? Are you?

 

Dost thou remember having a band invite thee into Utah, where thou hast blown them off after having arrived?

Yeah.

 

This is thy life. . . for the grand prize, what is the name of the band?

I can’t remember the name of the band. I know what it was. They wanted us to play at some fuckin’ party, or I think it was. I just seen the equipment and I was like, “I ain’t playin’ through that! No fuckin’ way!”

 

Didst thou ever have a rock star attitude?

No. The only thing that I can think of is that it – might have been a bad day or something like that for our whole band, because usually everybody in my whole fuckin’ band is really fuckin’ cool. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t be in the band. All the guys in my band always hang out and party with everybody. I don’t know. Sometimes shit don’t go right. Once you’re in a bad mood, you’re in a bad mood. There’s nothing you can do about it. I’m sorry. Not every day is a good day.

 

Maybe I shall arrange for the two of thee to have dinner at the expense of the Grimoire.

Alright. Cool! That part of the States, Utah, is fuckin’ desolate! I could never live there, man!

 

Thou art not a nature-lover?

I’m into nature. But I’m into lookin’ at good nature. I didn’t see anything I liked there.

 

Canst thou not delve into thy inner mysteries on those mountaintops?

Nope. All they’re good for is stashing fuckin’ bodies.

 

Mortal, that is the only controversy, beside the fellow with the unusual penis size who is a member of thy other band.

Wait ’til you hear that fuckin’ tape, man! You’ll freak, dude! It is as brutal as fuckin’ shit! It is heavy. I think it’s a release for September.

 

No other controversy, bad boy?

We got problems, it’s even bad down here, man… people fuckin’ carvin’ into our warehouse walls, “Die Nazi!’ You’ve heard that song, ‘They Breed,’ right?

 

Perhaps.

The last line of the song says, “Always wanting, always taking what was never yours. Someday you will feet the hate, you fuckin’ niggers!”

 

(laughter) It surprises me that thou are labelled a Nazi.

A lot of people panicked. They sent discs back to Pavement with a swastika in the circle slashed. There’s an ad on the Internet that says we’re Nazis. It’s a fuckin’ joke. I mean, I don’t think we can be Nazis. I’ve got a Polak, a Jew… we’re pretty multi- racial. But just to clear that up, we’re not racist.

 

So, why the word “Nigger?’

Well, the song is about scumbags. I call everybody nigger. You know what I mean? When my friends call me, they’re like, “Hey nigger!’ The word’s funny.

 

So when thy mommy wakes thee up in the morning, dost thou say, “Hello nigger?-“

No. I don’t live with my mom.

 

That is not what I heard, nigger.

It’s just a fuckin’ word. I don’t get offended when people call me “cracker.” Niggers call each other niggers. I’ve had black people come up to me on tour and say that’s the best fuckin’ song on the album! The word “nigger,’ when you look in the dictionary, it doesn’t say “a black person.”

 

Dost thou not feel that it could be upsetting for a Caucasian to use that word?

Not really. It’s only a fuckin’ word. Ya’ gotta be able to get over something like that. It’s not that fuckin’ bad. I could sit there and call my guitar player ‘fuckin’ Jew’ all day long. He’ll fuckin’ laugh at me and start calling me names. It doesn’t affect me. I know black people that I hang out with… I call them “nigger.” They know I’m only being sarcastic. Some people freak out on it. Other people couldn’t give a rat’s ass about it.

 

I will bet that it is the white race that has freaked about it.

That’s mostly who’s been freakin’ out!

 

Why? How can someone be offended for another race? Is not false righteousness the highest evil?

Maybe they wanna be black. I don’t know. It’s weird for people to fuckin’ say that. We did this album in a pretty black part of town. When we did it, man, we could look out the window and see crack dealers. We’re like, “‘Open the door for a minute.’ We opened the door and ‘just cranked it up! It Was fuckin nuts!

 

Phil Faciana
Phil Faciana

The Corona LAntern – Consuming the Tmepest

This album dwells in the mid-paced tempo or slightly below.  The vocals are more on the raspy side, carrying much of the weight of the songs because the riffs serve more as accompaniments, or it could be that there is an illusion that there is no sense of movement,  The band might intentionally have created a sense oi being mired in place, awaiting the end while giving voice to dying thoughts.    There is occasional dissonance, so I favor this explanation.  

There are occasional departures from this flavor, but in the entire dull spectrum I find it hard to sink into any of the songs.  Perhaps the album should be heard in a certain mood – there have been songs that did nothing to me in one frame of mind but the secrets were revealed when I heard the music at the right time.  I have yet to find this moment of resonance with this album, but you might fare better than I.

 

CONTACT: thecoronalantern@gmail.com

The Corona Lantern
The Corona Lantern

Immortal Suffering – Asylum (Ossuary Industries)

This brutal album features chugging riffs that I love because they give a feeling of hellish progress, the perfect music for marching into battle.  There are other styles here too, but I cite this because IMMORTAL SUFFERING are masters of this style.  

“Asylum” bears a production value that is true to the style of death metal.  It’s especially favorable after there us a rest in percussion and a drum hit cracks in like a sudden bolt of lightning.   It’s absolutely sinister.  

This album should be an important part of your death metal diet.  The band has been around since the early days, carving their place.  Give this album a try if you have not discovered the band yet.  

immortalsuffering
immortalsuffering

The Cover of Grimoire #9 is now a T-shirt

When The Grimoire of Exalted Deeds #9 was published, the front cover received so much admiration that teh art was re-printed in many more issues, eventually getting full-glossy pages to capture every stroke.

This design is finally available in a full color t-shirt (the shirt itself is black),  Click HERE to order.  (URL is https://bill-zebub-shirts.myshopify.com/products/jesus-the-easter-bunny-shirt)

The artist is Jim Walls,  IN the history of the Grimorie of Exalted Deeds, Bill Zebub described his ideas to Jim Walls, and Jim Walls got to work.  All previous art was done in pencil, but this design was in colored pencil.  This is also the final design that Jim Walls drew for the magazine.

Wear the shirt with pride.  Get it while supplies last.  Sizes from SMALL to 4XL.

Jesus the Easter Bunny
This is the cover to THE GRIMOIRE OF EXALTED DEEDS Issue #9

Cannibal Corpse

Interview with George Fisher conducted by Bill Zebub for issue #25

 

It’s a pleasure to see you, George.

Likewise.

 

Which shampoo do you use?

Which shampoo… shit! I don’t the exact make of it because my wife bought it. It’s some fuckin’ salon kind of bullshit. She does fuckin’ nails and facials and all that stuff, and she works in a salon where they do hair and shit. But it ain’t that Biolage. It’s pretty good. It smells good.

 

A lot of people want to emulate you, and I think a good start is a hair product.

I used to use some stuff that Alex uses, but I don’t remember what it was called. I used to use Biolage. How’s that? Use Biolage, and be brutal.

 

Do you blow-dry, or do you let it dry naturally?

Just let it dry.

 

Is that important?

No, because I ain’t sitting under a fuckin’ hair dryer for 20 minutes. I just rather blow-dry my ass hairs.

 

Have you ever cheated on your wife?

No. Honestly, no.

 

Are you sure?

Yes, 100%

 

You are the stud muffin of death metal.

I am? But I don’t get any.

 

Has your wife ever cheated on you?

Not to my knowledge? She better not, or I’ll fuck her with a knife! (this was spoken jokingly).

 

What would be better, if the guy she cheated on you was a friend, or a stranger?

Maybe a friend, because then I’d know at least probably what he has or what he doesn’t have.

 

Would that make you violent?

It depends. I don’t know what it depends on, but it would depend. I don’t know what to tell ya. If come home and see her shlorking down some big black dick, you know what I mean, I’m going to be pretty pissed off. But I don’t have any guns, so I’ll just have to hack someone with a big sword.

 

Do you have a sword?

Six of them.

 

Really?

Yes, I am true evil.

 

Does that compensate for something else?

No. (laughs) Actually I have seven swords.   If you wanna know then. A short sword and six long swords.  (pause) Average male American giant nine-incher.

 

Do women force themselves on you even though they know that you are married?

I wish! No, no they don’t force themselves on me. Come one! Look at me! I’m buff!

 

That must be why they call you “Buff George”.

Unless it was some fuckin’ big Bertha going (in a deep voice), “Come on! I want some now, Grinder!” I would be in trouble if that was the case.

 

Are you embarrassed to be on tour with such soft bands as The Haunted and Dimmu Borgir?

They’re not soft. That’s fuckin’ mean.

 

You’re so diplomatic! Come on!

No! I’m not!

 

You like the swirling keyboards, then?

Yeah, I listen to Emperor a lot. They got keyboards. There’s nothing wrong with that.

 

You knew I was coming!

No! You don’t like The Haunted? In all honesty, I just heard the new Dimmu Borgir last night. Jack bought it.

 

Was it in a gay bar?

Look, let me just give you one word of advice. Don’t fuck with the oyster. That would be fucking with the oyster if you would even insinuate that the oyster visited a gay bar. That could be grounds for instant death. If Jack, indeed, is the Oyster, or the Oyster is jack, he has powers beyond Satan, beyond god, beyond fuckin’ Bill Zebub too.

 

Speaking of god, have you ever heard that Jesus was black?

I’m sure I have. But who cares?

 

Was that why you were mad, thinking that a black man could be humping your wife when you’re on tour?

No, I was just saying that. It has nothing to do with fuckin’ black, white… if she’s shlorking down a dick, I’m pissed off, unless it’s mine, of course.

 

Have you noticed that black people usually distort a language? They just totally bastardize it, no matter what language it is, like French and Creole.

Oh, like death metal ebonics?

 

Ebonics in English, yes, that’s an example. Without sounding negative about it, let’s call it Black English. Can we agree on that?

Um. I don’t know. What was the question?

 

Where I’m going with this is, I think I can prove that Jesus was black, based on black behavior toward language.

You can?

 

Jesus was asked how to pray. Do you remember what he said? He said, get down with me brother… he said, “Our father who are in heaven.” That’s very improper English, and only a black person would talk like that.

Wasn’t it art?

 

Well, art is Olde English for” are”.

I don’t know Olde English. I barely know English English.

 

But wouldn’t you say that’s good evidence for Jesus being black?

I guess, that’s ok, if you’re doing an investigation. If I was a juror, I would take that into consideration.

 

Now that you are relaxed, do you think that it’s possible for you to sing “Mary had A Little Lamb”?

No. Why did I know that this was gonna come up? This is going to become this continuing saga. You’re always like, please! And I’m just not gonna do it.

 

I’m not going to argue with you about it. I’m just going to ask.

Maybe after.

 

The reason I ask is, you’re like that cartoon frog… he only sings to his owner.

(singing) Hello my baby, hello my darlin’.

 

The first time you sang, my tape ran out. The second time, my battery died, and you sang it afterwards all night. But you’re determined not to do it on tape.

You just have to give me the top hat and throw me on the street.

 

I know that as soon as I leave the bus, you’re going to be singing.

I just saw the cartoon before we went on tour. I was like, I’d fucking kill this fuckin’ frog! Just kill it! You ain’t gonna make no fuckin’ money off of it! It’s a little punk!

 

Do you ever get asked to play requests when you perform?

People yell out songs.

 

Do people ever yell out, “Mary Had A Little Lamb?”

No, not yet. But I’ve talked to a few people around this area. They asked me about it. What’s with this Mary Had A Little Lamb?

 

Will you sing it tonight, when you perform?

No, most definitely not. The other guys don’t know it.

 

Well, just say it’s time for a vocal solo. Have you ever met up with Warrel Dane after he read all the bad stuff you said about him?

I didn’t say that much… I didn’t say… what did I say bad about him?

 

That you don’t want to sing like him.

Well that’s not bad. I can’t sing like him.

 

Alright, you’re backing down now.

No I’m not! No! You tell me exactly what I said.

 

I don’t remember what you said. I don’t want to get in the middle of your war with Nevermore.

I’m not in a war with Nevermore! I didn’t say anything bad about Warrel Dane!

 

Then why did you steal his guitar player?

He was already fuckin’ out of Nevermore! He had already done tours with Monstrosity, so there! (pause) We can take whoever we want.

 

Last time we talked, we were cut off as we discussed your parents escaping the concentration camp.

I’m not German. I’m fuckin’ Filipino. (pause) They were trying to escape, but, you know… it happens.

 

Do you work out?

(laughs) Can’t you tell? I work out 12-ounce curls every night.

 

After you got married, you let your body go?

I had already been letting it go anyway. Getting married didn’t change anything. Actually, just before I came on tour, I’ve been kicking in an exercise bike. No lie!

 

Do you wear spandex when you do that?

No… naked! And I put on King Diamond’s Them and just fuckin’ (makes guitar sounds)

 

Monstrosity doesn’t seem to be doing too well after you left. Do you pay them any sort of alimony?

No. I just saw them yesterday. They pulled up. Before they even got there, some kids were askin’ me that there was a big rumor that I was singin’ a song with ’em. And Lee was like, “Yeah, we’re gonna ask you to sing a song!” I didn’t even know they were playin’ and I was on the bus, and I come out and they’re playin’ Angel of Death, so I missed ’em. No, I’m not paying them alimony, and last night I missed them, and that sucked.

 

Have you ever asked Dimmu Borgir or The Haunted for any vocal tips. You try to vary your vocals, and I was wondering if you ever decided to incorporate unmanly high-pitched screaming, maybe they could give you some tips.

(George attempts to sing gay, and succeeds)

 

Is your latest album your best-selling one?

No.

 

Is that going to make Metal Blade kick you off?

I hope not. No way! It’s doin’ alright, I guess. It’s just not the best-selling one. Maybe we wimped out or something.

 

Did someone tap you on the shoulder to tell you that that option maybe isn’t looking so good?

Maybe I need to be doing more (makes a high pitched gay sound). I think The Bleeding sold the most. Obviously the Ace Ventura movie had a lot to do with that.

 

Black metal bands have admitted to me that black metal is dead in Europe. Was there ever a danger that Cannibal Corpse would incorporate gay black metal elements?

No. We’re a death metal band. You know? I like a lot of black metal bands. I like Marduk, Dark Funeral… stuff like that. But we’re not gonna do anything like that. We’re death metal. Pat listens to a little bit. Maybe jack. But nobody else listens to it really that much. I’m the black metal guy in the band.

 

Do you remember the first Cannibal Corpse record you sang on? Did you get your hands on the underground tape of songs that Chris Barnes sang on?

I had heard it. There’s a tape that has more songs on it than what’s going around. Some people haven’t heard Defiled By Vermin, and that’s actually on one of the tapes.

 

Would anybody sue me if I put that out on CD?

I don’t care. You know the reason it came out? You know who let it get out?

 

Chris Barnes.

Thank you. This isn’t a rip on him. But that’s how it got out. If you put it on CD, I wouldn’t care. I know people in Europe have already seen copies of it pressed on CD.

 

The reason I asked is because, the guy who used to run the Canadian magazine, The Sepulchral Voice, uh, someone gave him a tape to make into a CD before the album came out, but unfortunately his house burned down, and he never shared that tape with me, and I hate him.

Oh, you want to hear it?

 

Can I play it on my radio show?

We don’t care. We know there’s copies of it out already.

 

So why don’t you hook me up with an immaculate copy?

I don’t have one.

 

I think you know some people in the band who might have one.

You know them too.

 

Yeah, but they don’t like me the way you do. You’ve got that way of talking people into things. I don’t have that. I don’t have what you have. So just look into that. Let it simmer. You’ve got my address and everything.

Just give me a little on the side. Oh man, Metal Bade is kicking us off tomorrow, or whenever this comes out.

 

That’s ok. You need to be on a metal label anyway.

Hey! Come on! Metal Blade is total metal.

 

How gay is that guy, EJ?

EJ’s alright.

 

Faggy?

No!

 

Do you talk about his love of Motley Crue?

He loves Motley Crue? My wife loves Motley Crue.

 

Yeah, but your wife is a woman.

Thank you. (pause) He looks like Buddy Holly. You find that funny? It’s nothing bad.

 

So he looks the way he talks.

He looks sort of like Buddy Holly. Look, I don’t want to sit here and rip on him.

 

You can’t shut up about him. I just asked a question.

No! You’re just trying to distort everything.

 

Don’t be paranoid.

I’m not paranoid! What’s he gonna do? Beat me up?

 

Why are you so defensive? Are you saying he’s a gay wimp?

Listen, when I said that, I had assumed that you had met him. He’s going to be pissed at me when he reads this.

 

Who cares? What’s he going to do, have a hissy fit?

I know, I know.

 

You made him break a nail.

I thought that you had met him before.

 

No, I don’t hang out in gay bars.

Oh man!

 

Where does he hang out? Obviously not metal shows because he’d get queerbashed.

I don’t know. I’ve only met him a few times.

 

So he doesn’t go where rough men hang out?

(laughs)

 

What is he, a scout leader? Is that how he gets action?

Oh man!

 

Do you act catty when you’re in the same room with an attractive man?

What do you mean? Gay? No.

 

No. Catty.

I don’t know these kind of words. You’re too technical for me, man. Just tell me piss, shit, and fart.

 

Do you get jealous and all of a sudden have to flex your arms, as if to say that you are more handsome?

No, because I am.

 

You’re confident?

Yeah. I’m goddamn confident.

 

Have you ever come close to cheating on your wife?

Never. There have been girls, where I’m like, she’s fuckin’ hot! But nothing like when I was attempting to kiss or holding hands or sticking cock in, or anything like that. Not even close.

 

Did you ever tell your wife, “I wasn’t kissing her, she was kissing me!”

No.

 

Did she ever say that to you?

What, that she wasn’t kissing her? I wish! But not him!

 

What are three things that will never appear on a Cannibal Corpse album.

Bill Zebub, poofy hair, and stick twirls. Of course, you couldn’t tell if that was on there. Picture-wise, poofy hair. Thanks-list-wise, Bill Zebub. That fuckin’ super lame cheap beat. Ever hear that?

 

What is that called? Thrash?

Just a cheap beat. (bass/snare) At practice, you should see Paul do it. He does it super animated. You won’t ever hear the lame dorky cheap beat.

 

For legal reasons, you could not advertise at the Limelight because you are playing at the Birch Hill tonight. I heard that after you play the rest of the shows on this tour, you’re coming back to the area to play the Limelight, on a Monday night. Have you ever played there? It used to be a church, and they converted it to a club.

I’m almost certain we had.

 

That means that you brought death metal back to New York.

What’s the big deal of that?

 

It used to be shut down. From what I heard, the attitude towards drugs was that they could not be stopped, so in order to prevent it, certain dealers were there who acted like caring bartenders.. like, if you had enough, they wouldn’t sell you any more. And they sold you good stuff, not adulterated stuff that could hurt you. (note-  this is what I heard from a former employee. It is not presented here as fact). Supposedly they wore special necklaces that indicated they should not be busted, but other dealers were fair game for the police. There was really open drug use, and for some strange reason, the place was shut down.

Is that true, that they couldn’t advertise?

 

I was told that the Limelight show couldn’t be advertised because people wouldn’t go to the Birch Hill… they would wait for you to come back to the legendary Limelight.

Really? Well as far as I know, it’s on our web site.

 

I’m just glad. You’re the first death metal band to go through those doors since the big shutdown. And who better to open the doors of the Limelight? It was shut down by a Nazi, and your parents escaped the Nazi’s. I think it’s just beautiful the way you will overthrow the fourth reich of New York. What are some of your hobbies?

Playing video games, and fishing.

 

So you know about Metal Dave? He has a fishing column in the Grimoire.

You know who else is a big-time fishing person? Chris Bailey from Infernal Majesty.

 

Get out of town!

Yeah man! (starts reading the column) “I love my goldfish named “Leaky” It will have a birthday soon. If I sing Happy Birthday to it, will it hear me?” What’s that got to do with fishing?

 

So you’re a fisherman. You don’t keep fish. You’re not an aquarist.

Hey, I eat them motherfuckers.

 

So if you keep them in a tank, it’s only until they die in your frying pan.

I do have one of those fuckin’ beta fish. It’s fuckin’ cruel. Look, they have these little… it’s like a vase… and they got all this rocky shit… and then a plant would be in it. The roots grow, and then the fish will eat off the roots. They call them fighting fish. If you put two males together, they’ll go at it. You can get bigger cases for ’em. I got a small one. It was given to my wife. I was thinkin’, this is fuckin’ cruel. I haven’t got him a new tank yet, obviously, because I’m on tour. But that’s a different story besides fishing. When I’m fishing, I catch fish, and I eat them motherfuckers.

 

Isn’t it a little strange to keep fish in a vase? You can’t see them.

(Exasperated) OK. All right. Hardy har.

 

I’m trying to teach you to become a little more aware of what you’re communicating when you speak.

Yeah, because I’m talking like an idiot.

 

I’m trying to clear all the rumors for you, George. This is how rumors get started… saying things like, keeping fish in a vase, with plants. Here’s some roses and a goldfish. Here’s a flower, honey. Oh, I’ll put it in a vase with the fighting fish. We have a couple of questions from a girl who lives in Rhode island. Her name is Tammy. Has a man you never met before suddenly given you flowers? Oh no… that was my question. But go ‘head.

What?

 

Has a man you never met before suddenly given you flowers?

No, or I’d fuckin’ put him in a stunner.

 

Have you been hit on by a man?

Um… no, I don’t think so.

 

Tammy would like to know how long is your thingy?

Um, rolled up or…

 

I’m just asking the questions. I’m not interpreting them.

About as big as a baseball bat.

 

How many times a day do you jerk off?

Depends on how far into the tour we are. Two to three, let’s say.

 

Is a tour bus sort of like prison, as far as jerking off is concerned? Like, when you first go into prison, you don’t know if you should, and then, depending on what your cell mate is doing, his jerk off behavior… like, do you wait for other people in the band to start rolling first? Is this a bus of denial, where you just keep doing it and nobody seems to react to everyone else doing it?

I don’t know. I just bought a Hustler, so…

 

So what do you do? Do you say, “Hey guys! It’s a nice day! Why don’t you go for a walk?”

I think, pretty much, everybody just keeps that to their bunk. Stay in your bunk and wack, if you want.

 

What if you’re used to moaning in private. You can’t do that on the tour bus.

You just got to do the old… (clamps hand over mouth)

 

Is there anything you’d like to clear up from past interviews?

Don’t jerk off in public. Wait! Anything I want to clear up from past interviews?

 

ADDENDUM

(I met up with Cannibal Corpse again after I had done the Nevermore interview, and I told Pat about what Warrel said, and he responded thusly)

(Pat) I got kicked out of Nevermore because I wasn’t queer.

George Corpsegrinder Fisher
George Corpsegrinder Fisher

The #1 Death Metal Magazine in the World

%d bloggers like this: