This interview with Tena was conducted by metal monster for issue #19


Is this the fat guy?
Yeah, of course.

You’re a big fat slob, and I think it’s great that there are still bands like Triumphator.

Didn’t you go by the name Deathfucker?

Now you go by the girlish Tena?

You do realize that Tena is a girl’s name?

Do you consider yourself the Dom Deluise of black metal?

Do you consider yourself the Dom Deluise of black metal?
I don’t know who he is.

He is a famous fat American comedic actor.
Well, I don’t know who he is.

You bear an uncanny likeness to him.

According to christian law there is to be nothing in excess, gluttony is a sin. So I guess you are being true “evil” black metal by being a total fat ass.
Tena: yeah sure, but how do you stay slim in a wheelchair?

Is it hard to find a bullet belt in a 47-inch waist size?

Is it hard to find a bullet belt for a 47-inch waist?
No, we have to buy two.

Seeing you in your corpse paint reminds me of a little chubby kid who faked an illness to stay home from school and amused himself by playing with mommies make up kit while she was out buying comic books and ice cream for her spoiled little Twinkie thief. Is the visual aspect of your band important to you?
Of course it is important. Why shouldn’t we use corpse paint?

A lot of the older bands have stop using it. They feel it has been done to death and they don’t use it anymore.
But not using corpse paint is dumb also.

I can see you are not addicted to Dexatrim.
I am addicted to Percocet.

I heard that you used to play guitar but as you gained more and more weight your fingers became too pudgy to accurately hit the guitar strings so you were forced to switch to bass because you needed an instrument with a wider fret board to accommodate your fat fingers. Is that true?
A least I don’t jerk off to pictures of Fenriz.

Do you have any comments on Fenriz?
I hate people who jerk off to pictures of him.

Have you ever…
I hate you.

I hate you too.

You have big floppy man tits.
Of course

Were you fat as a child?
I am not fat

Your not!?
No. I am big boned

Do you date fat chicks?

Is the girl in your pictures your girlfriend?
Mmm hmmm

Is she blind?

Don’t you think kool aid stains on the sides of your mouth render the visual effects of corpse paint silly?
What is this kool aid?

Did you know that Seth Putnam was a Jew?
Yeah. I guess he was. So what?

Does the black metal scene discriminate against the obese?
Against me?

I understand how hard it is being morbidly fat in the extreme music scene. The editor of the Grimoire is a big fat ass. He gained a lot of weight in the last year.
(laughs) I guess Bill Zebub is big boned also.


This interview with Daniel appeared in issue #16

(Editor’s note – Daniel starts off the interview by insulting me) First of all, I guess you don’t know anything about metal.

You’ve read the Grimoire, then?
Yeah, I had to. I was at the office (ed – No Fashion office in Sweden) and they told me to read it so I wouldn’t get offended. There’s some nice chick on the front cover, so that’s OK.

Not everyone in the band is Swedish, correct?
Yeah, correct.

Is one of the band members named “Tonto?”
How do you figure? (laughs) Actually, his nickname is Smurf Tonto. He’s actually from Greenland, but he’s doing his best to play the flute, so that’s OK.

Greenland… that’s the place with the native people. You wouldn’t call them Indians.

They are very famous for staring down their opponents. See how cool I am? I know everything.
Sure you do.

It seems that Grave was a big influence.
The death scene back in ‘92 was Grave, Entombed, Dismember, and stuff like that… and we had the same influences. We weren’t that influenced by Grave, but we had the same influences as they had. That’s the sound we have.

So why was Grave signed at that time, and not Lobotomy?
Because they were from Gotland, a little island outside Sweden, and the record companies thought that was a lot more cooler. We were from Stockholm. We weren’t awesome enough to release an album, but they were because they were from a tiny little island.

It seems that a band’s biography is a selling point these days. I guess that always has been the case. I noticed that you have no trouble with the English language so I am going to be speaking to thee in an older tongue.
Thou shalt suffer.. OK.

On a scale of 1-10, how gay is Insania?
(laughs) Ten! No doubt about it!

I could hardly believe what was on that CD when I put it in the stereo. I had my stereo tested for A.I.D.S.
You should put a condom on your CD player.

Is there really a demand for that style of music?
German kids.

I wonder how thou feeleth about bands like that.
They were torn from the womb too early to have the normal breastfeeding, I guess. They just want to get some money. I play good ol’ death metal because I’m a man. but I guess these are wimps or fags or whatever.

What about the alternative scene that composes bullshit music that is nowhere near as demanding as death metal like Brutality, yet they look down on metal?
I know exactly what you mean. I had trouble getting jobs just because I had long hair. I actually cut my hair two years ago just to try how it was. It was definitely much more easier to get a job then. We have our own race, the metal people, I guess.

Except we don’t have an annoying organization like the N.A.A.C.P helping us. There are no token long-hairs in the work force.
Yeah, but you had Frank Zappa and Dee Snyder helping out when Tipper Gore was after all the heavy metal albums.

I don’t think those two people should be used in the same sentence. There’s a vast difference in intellect between Zappa and Snyder.
But they had long hair. Frank Zappa was a god, and Dee Snyder was… I don’t know…

A dumb metalhead.
So are you!

The P.M.R.C. didn’t hurt metal at all. A parental advisory sticker is a sign that the album is probably very cool.
Yeah, but the problem was these artists started to emerge that just opted to have that sticker. They just started to focus on their provocative style, Like Marilyn Manson and shit like that. It started to be a fashion band instead of thinking about producing good music. I think that both helped, but it destroyed a lot of the metal mentality.

The same can be said about black metal.
Alice Cooper and Gene Simmons were there long before them.

Getting back to alternative people looking down on metal… 80’s metal helped to perpetuate the stereotype of dumb metalhead. I think that the condescending attitude is also present in bands like Insania. Those musicians look down on death metal musicians.
One thing that is true is that a lot of these so-called power metal bands are old death metal musicians who want to make a buck. At least two members of Hammerfall are old death metal musicians.

Would you change style for money?
Yeah, sure!

That haircut from two years ago is a character flaw, so changing musical loyalty would not be a surprise.
No, it was just me trying to get a job. But I failed, so I’m now back with long hair.

There is an error in the No Fashion press sheet for Lobotomy.
Yeah, we’re influenced by Blind Guardian and Helloween.

Lobotomy is described as “being in the vein of Helloween and Blind Guardian”. I think that is the equivalent of saying that the band is gay.
Yeah, exactly. Actually, I went up to the office and told them that. I don’t know how it occurred, but the promotion guy mixed us… our album was released at the same time as the Insania album. Hopefully it will say that the Insania album is influenced by Morbid Angel and Autopsy and Repulsion.

No, actually it says the same thing on the Insania press sheet. Art thou going to sue No Fashion Records?
Yeah, I hope so. When people hear the album, they won’t hear the typical Helloween influences. Instead they will hear…

A Grave rip-off.

Earache is based in England. The American office of Earache has to translate the British press releases from the faggy way that the English express themselves.
Oh really?

Yes. I think that No Fashion needs an anti-gayness translator, because on their selling points for the album, thy description is “Swedish death metal in a direct, fascinating, and honest way.”
Well you should tell that to Ahriman in Dark Funeral because he’s the one who is making them.

Lord Ahriman is the god.
No, he’s the fag.

He is the one who contributes to the Grimoire.
Yeah, but he is the one that wrote that.

I will hear nothing negative about Lord Ahriman! He is a benefactor of the Grimoire!
Yeah, he is a nice guy, but… you know.

Me not speaking badly of him is the equivalent of you getting a bad haircut.
Enough about Ahriman, ok?

Has anyone from Grave ever heard Lobotomy?
We actually had Jergen, the lead singer, sing back-up on our last album. It was released in ‘97.

Did he write all of the riffs?
No. He actually gave us a tape of midi samples and we just picked them from there. He produced it instead. We had these riffs and he said, “That sounds pretty much like our sixth album.” We made it from there.

What is the likelihood of anyone from Grave telling metal journalists that Lobotomy is ripping off their songwriting?
That would be great. We would sell a lot, then Grave exists no more. These members are in Entombed and stuff like that now.

Which is the equivalent of getting a gay haircut. Is it true that Rikard from Deranged attacked thee with a sharpened drumstick?
That was a long time ago, man. I don’t want to talk about it. We were actually competing blast beats to each other. He won because I’m the lazy fucker. I’m more into doom. I actually punched him and then he started to offend me because he said he was better than me.

How dost thou feel about labels like Headfucker in Italy that have turned their backs on all trends and decided to release only brutal death metal?
To the point where it sounds like a vacuum cleaner?

I’m telling them you said that!
Ok, do that.

Have you heard Cephalic Carnage?


Hmmm.. maybe if you did, they would be suing you for ripping them off the way Grave should.
These bands are ripping us off.

Thou art not impressed with vocals that are more of the grindcore nature?
Well the thing is, you can hear what Glen Benton is saying on the Deicide albums, correct? Is that hardcore vocals?

I would not say those are hardcore vocals.
No. You can hear what our singer, Max, is singing. Are those hardcore vocals? No. I think it’s great when you can hear what the singer is saying. It’s not great to hear that hardcore style. We’re not D.R.I.

You are not interested in bands in which the words cannot be deciphered.
I like Obituary… the old albums. To be honest with you, I buy a lot of metal albums, but when it comes to these brutal-to-the-death albums, I think they sound just the same. It’s enough with the first album from Immolation. Then the rest sounds just the same. It’s just copycats out there. These albums are good, but I don’t need the copy.

“Copycat…” how that word must be so alien to your tongue… Grave-boy.

So did Lobotomy start as a Grave cover band?
No. We started as a Dismember cover band. But then we heard about Grave and we started doing Grave covers. We were thinking about calling our band Coffin, but there was some hip hop band called that.

You should have stuck with the name Coffin. You should have had wheels on the bottom of a coffin that you rode on stage with. I heard that one band tried to perform something like that, but they weren’t very careful with the set-up, and the singer who rode in on the coffin with wheels was bumped by the guitar player, and the coffin zoomed off stage. Because of the great height it fell from, it had a lot of momentum that carried the coffin out of a club and down a street. It somehow entered a pharmacy and was racing through an aisle of medicine. The pharmacist asked if there was anything he could do to help, and the singer replied, “Yes, do you have anything that will stop this coffin?”
That’s very funny.

My friends want to pay me to go to a comedy club during open mike night just so they can watch the crowd boo me off the stage.
That was a good one.

I heard that Wounded Love Records in Italy wanted to sign Lobotomy, but that no one in the band would offer prolonged homosexual favors.
Yes. They offered us a butt-shaped picture disc, and that was the thing that we wanted. But then, the facial stunts we couldn’t agree with
because our bass player is married.

What is a love handle in the Swedish language? What part of the body does that refer to?
Actually, I don’t know what a love handle is. Do you mean a significant part of the body?

I am just confirming things. I know that in Japan, north and south have differences in language, as well as do east and west. So I think that in Sweden there might be different dialects.
Yes. There definitely is. We have the southern and northern dialects. There is a Stockholm dialect as well. We can compare it to the States. We have rednecks down in the south as well.

The guy Janne from…

Hypocrite… I didn’t know he was in Abba as well. I knew he was in Hypocrisy, but I didn’t know he was in Abba. I should have asked him questions about that. Abba actually invented corpsepaint, didn’t they?

Yeah, the girls wore it. It was blue corpsepaint, though.
Yeah, Abba co-founded black metal.

Yeah, it’s something that’s rarely discussed in interviews because of the code of secrecy. They do not want to reveal the actual forefathers. You’re very brave. You and I both have a death sentence now, I guess. Well anyway, Janne was telling me about love handles. Is there a high concentration of homosexuals in that area?
I guess they are from Stockholm. And I am from Stockholm. That’s the capitol of Sweden. We have these bars..

I heard that the band members of Necrophobic date each other and bring each other to these bars.
You’re damn right. We definitely don’t hate each other, but I can go on talking shit about them if you want that.

They are not called Necrophobic. They are called Heterophobic.

I know that they did not like black people in Stockholm. They don’t like the immigration of black people into Sweden because they take advantage of the welfare system. They said that it is unlawful to sing the Swedish national anthem in school because it would offend the black people.
No, that was just some scared principal who told the kids to shut up. I mean, I wouldn’t be offended if I was in Africa and they sang their national anthem. Why should I?

If I were in Africa, I would be an American African.
Wearing those baggy clothes, right?

Dost thou think that Necrophobic should actually be called Niggerphobic?
Yeah. Why not?

So tell me more about Negrophobic.
They used to be picking on us all the time. But I haven’t heard them lately. I think they kind of bent over for the black metal style. They used to play death metal, and suddenly their second album was black metal.

I agree 100%
It’s cool to bend over.

It’s the equivalent of getting a haircut. In a photograph, two of the members of Necrophobic looked like girls. Do they look like girls in real life?
Yeah, the singer is using make-up.

Gothic style?

See, I think Sweden could benefit from queerbashing. Can’t Sweden summon the rednecks from the south to go to these bars?
To be honest with you, I am not homophobic really. But when I go to bars, and I look from behind and want to squeeze something and I find out it’s a guy, that’s not that funny. I get pretty angry, actually.

I see something wrong here. You are the sort of person who would grab a girl you don’t know, in a tender location?
Sure. Anything to get beat up.

But in all seriousness, would you? Or were you just being metal when you were talking?
No, I wouldn’t.

How do you hold your cigarette? That can tell a lot about you.
Well I use my fist and I hold it with my whole hand.

Is there a bottle that the band always carries around?
Containing what?

I heard that there’s a bottle that’s very special to the band. If I take that bottle away from you, would you rather have that bottle in front of me, or a frontal lobotomy?
I can’t say no more to that, actually. That stand-up stuff, you know…

I am not actually known for printing the correct band photos in interviews.
So I have noticed. There are some different members.

But if I publish your photo, I will have to do some image correction. Two of the members have very gay hair styles. Are they part time in a Metallica cover band?

One of those guys has a tribal tattoo on the forearm. That wouldn’t be you, would it?
It is. But that picture was taken a year ago.

Did you have it removed with laser surgery?
No, I put Saint Vitus on the other arm.

OK, because in America it is extremely gay to have a tribal tattoo. It’s like a sign. Before tribal tattoos, you used to wonder who the fag was. But this is instant I.D.
I know I look pretty faggy. People told me I look like some glam rocker. I don’t know how to explain it.

You should have asked the Eskimo in the band to give you an authentic tribal tattoo, using sharpened wood. I am sure he would have helped you if he was a true primitive. Isn’t it funny how Greenland is icy and Iceland is green?
Yeah, it is.

I somehow wound up at a frat party once, and I can’t count the times people came up to me to tell me that they used to have long hair until they had to go to court. There seems to be some need of people with gay haircuts to try to become accepted into the long-hair coolness society by concocting tales of former manes. I go to court all the time but I never cut my hair. When someone tells me about a court-related haircut, I think that the person is a jackass.
To me, I don’t care how long your hair is.

No, I am applying the same thing to you.
Fuck you!

I don’t know if you were anticipating that I would get to your hairdo.
It’s fluffy and wonderful.

So you are sure that your hair grew since that picture?
Sure, it was a year ago.

You wouldn’t be mad if I called up Ahriman and asked him how recent that photo is?
You can call him now.

Have you been interviewed in some other magazines?

Have they talked about your hairstyle?
Yeah, that’s a common theme.

Are you sure the hairdo is not just a strategy to appeal to every kind of music lover? The race-traitors will love the Eskimo in your band. The Nazi’s will love the Arian in the band. Fags will like that one queer. And alternative people will like the Metallica look that you have… with the tribal tattoo to complete it. I am beginning to think that Lobotomy is a corporate invention now. I think that when you know that you are going to do a metal interview, you should pretend to have gotten a haircut because you needed a job. But if you are interviewed by a fag mag, you probably brag about your barber.
We are on the label No Fashion because we have no fashion. Just a bunch of mixed up fuck heads.

I guess your drummer is happy that it is no longer legal to capture Eskimos and take their hands off as souvenirs.
There’s one thing that I haven’t told you. To tell you the truth, I think our label sucks, promotional-wise. We haven’t done any tours. Our album has not been that great promoted. We haven’t got any ads. We haven’t got any free t-shirts. I have complained a lot to them. Sales-wise, it’s important for us to stay in shape. if we don’t sell any records, we can’t continue. We want to continue because we want to get offended by the Grimoire.

Even though it is unlawful to maim an Eskimo, the prejudice still exists in Sweden. No Fashion is a traditional Swedish label. So maybe if you got rid of the Eskimo, you would find that the label support increases.
Actually, he’s from Chile.

You liar! You lied to me!
Of course! He moved here when he was 12 years old.

Did his parents move to Sweden to take advantage of the welfare system?
No, to get away from the dictator.

Holocaust Cannibal gets Re-edited


This interview with singer/bassist Johan Haller appeared in issue #16

I don’t have a band photo of Hypocrite, so I have to ask… is anyone in the band gay-looking?
Ah yes… all of us is really good-looking for boys.

Any short-haired members?
Yeah. One of us is really short-haired. We put him in the middle of the photo.

What happened?
I don’t know, really. He lost all of his hair.. preparing to be a big dick. It worked out really fine.

Is “Johan” the Swedish way of saying “Peter”?

You don’t have Abyss Studios?
No, that’s Hypocrisy, not Hypocrite. Hypocrite is another Swedish band.

Peter, from Hypocrisy, was not available for interview, so I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind to pretend to be Peter.
Yeah, no problem for me. I can tell you anything you want to know about Hypocrisy as well.

Is it true that you had a girly little cat fight with Andy Laroque about t who is the better producer?
Yes, of course. We always have these small minor fights. But, as everybody knows, he’s a real fuck-up when it comes to producing. So the Abyss Studios is ten times better.

Has the band Hypocrite recorded in Abyss Studios?
No, they recorded in another studio called “Das Boot”, and Fred from Dismember is also now trying to be a producer. So they went there and fucked me up.

Entombed decided to play gay music. Dismember sounded like them when they were death metal, and continued sounding like them after the gayness transformation. What is this web of gayness over there?
Ah, you know, Swedes are big gays… all of us. We’re very into that right now. During the weekends we go out and fight with the gays. But during normal weekdays, we are the gays. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday we are the big killers of gays. Monday through Wednesday… Thursday is day off… but Monday through Wednesday we are all the time fucking each other in the ass.

It is like the Oriental concept of yin and yang, except in Sweden it’s yin and wang.
(laughs) Yeah, I couldn’t say it better.

You still have to pretend to be in Hypocrisy, for this next question.

I would like to talk about the new self-titled album… Hypocrisy…. Why are the vocals like Rod Stewart?
It was the best thing that we can come up with, and I tried to sound exactly like the Rod himself, because he always gets the pretty girls… so I was wondering if I can get some small boys.

Wasn’t Rod Stewart homosexual?
I don’t know, really. I hope. I want to meet him, though.

All right, Peter. If The Final Chapter was left as the last Hypocrisy album, it would have been a glorious ending.
Yeah, it would have been, but we get lots of big checks from the label. I was wondering if we open up a shop only for gays when we receive the money for the new one. Why not? It’s a good opportunity to open up my biggest dream in the world.

If The Final Chapter would have been the last album, it would have been the band’s choice to end. But this new album, which is total garbage, has killed the band.
Yeah, but could you find a better way than to destroy with a bad album? We get rid of the record deal, and everything is very good. Nobody wants to touch us anymore.

OK, you can become Bjorne again… sort of like a Bjorne-again christian… or are you a born-against christian?
No. I bury christianity into me. I love, like, god. Jesus is my best friend. You know.

Are you attracted to Jesus?
Yeah, very… long hair, and he drinks lots of wine.

Are you the kind of person who blames homosexual tendencies on drug effects… like Ecstasy?
Yeah, it’s exactly gay thing. All the drugs are especially for gays.

They enhance the gay experience?
Yeah. When you take something like Ecstasy, you become a really big gay because you want to fuck everything that moves… only in the ass, of course.

Who is the idiot who told Dan Swano that he could sing?
Maybe Black Mark.

Have you heard Dan Swano when he’s trying to sing with clean vocals?
No. I don’t want to. Maybe I have done it before when he has solo project. But just looking at the covers makes me sick. So fuck that.

Is Dan Swano a big celebrity over there in Sweden?
Maybe in the gay business. He’s the gayest guy around. He’s the gayest guy on earth, maybe.

Dan Swano butchered the Mercyful Fate song Melissa on a tribute album by Still Dead Productions.
Yeah, Mercyful Fate will play here on Friday. And he have these love handles on his…. how do you say it?

No. On the face… how do you say? Like, gay handles… you know, when you can hold on to the mustache…

In America, the love handles are on the hips.
eah, but over here it’s when you can hold onto the hair on the cheek, for pushing backward and forward on the face.

Swedish women don’t have too much facial hair. But there’s a lot of immigration from third world countries into Sweden. Do you think that might change the hairlessness?
Yeah, from Poland especially. We give them money and we can do them all night long.

I had no idea.
You should come here.

I don’t want to. I think I interviewed too many black metal bands. I don’t think I will survive over there. The Swedish band Deranged played in Poland, and they said that the women were very friendly.
Friendly? Of course they were. If they get laid, maybe they can take them to Sweden for free. Of course they were friendly.

More friendly than Swedish women?
Yeah, because a Swedish woman probably understands what you say.

Is blonde hair in Sweden as common as Americans are led to believe?
Yeah, it’s very common. But the polar bears you can also forget about. That is totally bullshit. We don’t have any polar bears at all.

Would you agree that Dan Swano and Peter from Hypocrisy would make a very cute couple?
No. No way. They are no the same. They wouldn’t be so good together.

You don’t think they would make a good album together?
Yeah, but it should be released on some techno label that only produce French gay techno. That would be nice. Then they can tour all the French, spreading the disease.

What is the pop music in Sweden like? Is it dance oriented, or is it commercial rock ‘n roll?
It depends what the releases are. The KISS album went #1 for like 6-7 weeks. But then we also have this band that’s like Back Street Boys. It’s all kinds, but mostly dance.

The reason I am asking about that is because I am curious why styles like Dan Swano’s solo work have come into existence. It seems that they reflect some sort of trend somewhere.
Yeah, they try to do something to earn some money. To earn any money on Edge of Sanity is really impossible. So he tries to do his best on some normal kind of shit.

I think that there are small places that aren’t in contact with the outside world that never seem to break away from the 80’s. So I was trying to discover the #1 area of the world where this gay kind of metal still thrives.
He lives in a town called Oreero. But this 80’s kind of metal, like Hammerfall… that’s from Gothenburg.

Hammerfall… one of the people in the band has a long leather coat, and the sleeves were cut off and replaced by bracelets that are connected by little chains, and it looks like a woman’s nightgown. Does this person think he looks tough in that?
I guess he thinks he looks very cute.

There is a person who works at Nuclear Blast whose identity I must keep secret. He told me that he made a valiant effort to try to appreciate Hammerfall because the band is on his label, but the lyrics were just so unbelievably stupid that it ruined every attempt to enjoy the albums. What would make a Swedish band write such ridiculous words?
They really want these ridiculous lyrics. That’s the big problem. Everybody buys the fucking album. Big problem.

But they are keeping certain stereotypes alive, namely that of stupid metalhead. The lyrics of Hammerfall just prove that the stereotype is true.
Yeah, but the truth is, this type of music… ‘80s metal, was born in Germany… and have you ever seen one German band write good lyrics? No, never. So that’s probably why. They invented the power metal scene with bad lyrics.. sometimes good music, but, you know.

The English love to ignore a lot of letters in words too. Only a total fag would think that the letter “r” can sometimes be silent. No wonder New England is called “New England”. It has the same gay language tendencies. Didn’t England christianize Scandinavia?
I don’t know.

I think that Scandinavia should take revenge against the humiliation.
Yeah, but we take it out on other things, like sports, music… which they really fuck up, especially black metal.

There seems to be a misconception that Americans have about Sweden because of all the bands that are signed from Sweden. We are led to believe that there is a thriving metal community there.
Yeah, they go to buy the records, but they don’t go to see. In Denmark is the other way… everybody goes to see the show but they don’t buy the records. That’s why all the bands go to Christiania to play.

A very ironic name for a place that has metal.
That is a free state for smoking pot in Denmark.

Is it not ironic that America tries to tell the world that it is the most moral nation, yet the greatest advances in humanistic thinking occur in Europe? Does not Norway have that vacation from prison program?
Yeah. We had one right now… this vacation, he robbed a bank, shoot two policemans, and go to Costa Rica. Now he’s back in jail.

Well I’m not saying that humanism works. I am just saying that America pretends to be humanistic, but humanism is only found outside of this country.
They want to be the worldwide biggest cop. If anybody fights, they come into the country and say, “Hello, what’s this?”

I heard from some bands that there is resentment toward foreigners in Sweden.
Yes, in some parts we have skinheads and nazi’s. But it’s not that big.

Did you know that some of the stories of the bible have changed over time?

The Jews were going to stone a whore. But Jesus intervened and picked up a stone and offered it to the crowd, saying, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Everyone dropped their rocks. The bible story ends there, but the part that was censored out was that Jesus smiled wickedly to himself and said, “I am without sin” and he wailed the stone into the bitch’s face. The church decided that the additional information was too uninteresting to leave in the story. What do you know about crucifixion?
Really nothing. Just nail into the cross.

Did you know that dogs were not permitted in the crucifixion area?

It appears that dogs are unable to resist the lure of upright objects. To them, it is a sign of a bathroom. It causes quite a stench, which could be a problem. Crucifixion was a big tourist attraction. Dog urine odors could very well turn away business. Vendors sold little crucifixion dolls and other mementos. Does Hypocrite sell any odd merchandise?
Maybe we do some cats. I don’t know. Cats or butterflies. Butterflies would be nice, with a big “H” on the back.

I don’t have any more questions. To be honest with you, I don’t know what Hypocrite sounds like. I don’t know what happened to the album.
It sounds like In Flames and At The Gates. If you need any more interviews, just tell me, because as you probably know, I can do the interview for Hypocrisy. I can do the interview for In Flames. It doesn’t matter. Just give me a call. It is no problem


Cannibal Corpse

This interview with George Corpsegrinder was in issue #29

Why are you doing the interviews for the new album?
I’m not the only one doing the interviews for this new album.

But why are you doing interviews for this album? Don’t you think that’s wrong?
What do you mean?

Didn’t Glen Benton do the vocals?
On this album?

Yeah! What the hell?! Did he say that you can speak on his behalf?
He’s doing vocals on this album? That’s news to me!

What are your influences?

Dude, I’m kidding.
Hey man, you never know, coming from you!

Did anybody ask you that, by the way? I know you’ve been doing phoners all day with cliché’ people.
I almost couldn’t believe that you asked me that. It’s like, you should get a prize for being the millionth person to ask that question. But you never know with you.

Did you squash that war you had with Dark Funeral?
What war? I don’t have a war.

You’ve got to read up on the press. I’ve got evidence that they don’t like you.
What’s that?

You posed for some pictures with them.
No. (pause) I might have.

I took them! You were smiling so innocently, and they gave you the finger.
You probably just made it look like that. You doctored it up!

I swear I didn’t.
You know what their nickname is for me?

Stupid American?
No – it’s gaygrinder. Ahriman calls me that.

What does the singer call you – you know, the guy who looks like a fat alcoholic housewife?
They all call me Gaygrinder.

I can’t believe that you went around in the press and called him the fat Bo Derek.
Me? I didn’t say that.

Yeah you did, when he got those gay braids in his hair like Bo Derek, and the flowers. You said that the only way he would be a “10” is if the scale is from 10 to 2 billion.
Look man, I’m not taking none of this seriously. You know I didn’t say that.

I made it up, actually. But I was serious about them calling me Gaygrinder. You’re gonna interview them again, right?

No. They’re washed up.
Washed up?

Does the world really need another mediocre black metal album?
Dark Funeral rules!

Rules what? You don’t even like black metal! What are you talking about?
I love Dark Funeral!

You love them as people. You’ve got to draw the line, George.
Of what?

See, I like your personality, and I also like Cannibal Corpse. If I didn’t like Cannibal Corpse, I would tell you. You have to be a man.
No, no, no – I like Dark Funeral!

I saw the way Pat manhandled you. You’re just afraid of big tall metal people.
I am not! I’ll kick all their asses!

Are you afraid of me?
I am. Can you hear me shaking? But seriously, dude, this is the truth – if you ever talk to Lord Ahriman, ask him about the song he’s writing about me.

Get out of here!
I’m serious.

Michael Jackson must be kicking himself in the head because he had surgery to make himself look white so that he could sell albums, but these days you have to look black. Are you planning to get your nose flattened?
My nose is already big, but it’s not flat. It points out.

Do you have a black ass?
I have a big booty.

Have you been practicing?
Practicing what?

Mary Had a Little Lamb. Do you know it by now?
I was ready to do it at the L’Amours show, but you didn’t show up!

There’s always a problem. I swear! This is the curse of the lamb! Every time that you actually sing it, either the tape magically stops recording, the batteries die, or something even more bizarre happens! I’ll get you on tape one of these days!
Come to any show on this tour. I’ll do it.

Will you wear a costume?
What kind of costume?

The blessed virgin?

I guess she would be the Mary, since she had a lamb, and they are mindless followers. If you could go back in time to when Mary was pregnant with Jesus, how would you talk her into getting an abortion?
Well, as his head came out, I would push it back in.

For the second coming out of the closet of Jesus, what would his new boyfriend be like?
One of those queer eye for a…

One of the Dark Funeral guys?
No! It’s that show, Queer Eye for a Straight Guy! You know what I’m talking about!

I had no idea that Dark Funeral has a television show.
It’s some show!

Some show? You seem to know quite a lot about it.
Ah! I’m gonna get hung for this!

Actually, “queerbashed” is the punishment for being gay. Hanging is for black people. Fags just get queerbashed, they don’t get hung.
I’m not queer!

Then why do you watch that show?
I don’t! My wife watches it!

Your wife is a guy?
No! My wife watches the show!

You’re still married, huh?

Even after your tour activities?
What tour activities?

Weren’t you going to put out a video of Cannibal Corpse groupies?
No, but there’s nothing wrong with tits.

I would never put tits in a video, personally.
Yeah, like you don’t have any tits in your movies! I’ve seen them!

So what’s the secret of the long-term relationship? How do you keep your sex life alive? Do you pretend she’s somebody else?

When you are having sex, do you ever call out Ahriman’s name?
No. (Indecipherable)

Do you ever use the Oyster as an aphrodisiac?
Don’t fuck with the Oyster!

Have you ever performed anal?
With Ahriman?

No, with the female wife.

I’m just curious because you’re a role model. So what’s the most bizarre sexual position you ever performed with your female wife?
Missionary. It’s totally different now that I did all that other stuff.

What was the reason why you punched Warrel Dane in the face? I heard that Nevermore couldn’t play that night!
We just saw those guys.

Really? Did he forgive you?
I didn’t see him.

So getting back to how your parents escaped the concentration camp, you have a song about the Nuremberg trials on the new album.
Which song?

Blunt Force Castration.
That’s not about that.

I read in David Duke’s book, “My Awakening” that the Nazi war criminals, if the term “war criminal” really makes any sense, especially since the Allies committed atrocities too… anyway, I heard the Nazi’s were forced to confess, and many of them had their testicles smashed beyond repair. I just think that it’s bold to side with a guy like David Duke. Most metalheads just want to keep their white supremacy ideas a secret. You are the first to come out of the closet.
Come on! I don’t have anything to do with any of that shit!

Are you really mad at Sharlee D’Angelo and Peter Steele because they are considered to be more handsome than you?
Look at me! I rock!

Yeah, but you’re married. Girls don’t like that, or are you after the naughty house-wrecking girls?

Have you ever had a stalker?

Did you have to get a restraining order against Chris Barnes?

Is he like a girl who got dumped and wants to know all about the new girl? Does he play that same game with you? Does he want to know what you have that he doesn’t have?
Who knows what he wants?

Maybe he wants to be black. He’s almost there with those dreadlocks. Are you going to do any Cannibal Corpse covers?
(Indecipherable, but I remember him specifying the kind of songs that Cannibal Corpse would NEVER cover)

Will you perform Mary Had a Little Lamb when you play in Brooklyn, just for me?
Absolutely not! I wanted to tell you, people have been asking me about that!

See? Are you aware of my influence?
Yeah! When I first did it, I didn’t think much of it, but then people started asking me to do it.

Would you do it if the front row chants it?
The rest of the guys don’t know it.

Would you do it when you hear that I am dead, as a tribute to me?
I would drink a beer and piss in your name.

Chris Barnes

This interview with Chris Barnes appeared in issue #4

Wasn’t Alan West criticized for coming up with weak riffs?
I don’t listen to what people think, man. I think that he writes all the best Obituary riffs, first off. I listen to the music first. I don’t listen to peoples’ opinions because it just taints your whole vision of things. I just like his sound. and have always been a fan of the songs he writes. He reminds me of one of my favorites that write in the vein of Judas Priest where it’s verse/chorus, verse/chorus. It’s stuff that I had never been able to write to, but this is just really a neat thing to do for me.

Art thou happy with he drums?
Very! Very happy! I think Greg kicks the beats out fuckin’ excellent. Seeing all this come together in the way that it does was very cool for me. Can’t be any better than this, especially because all out attitudes are along the same lines.

Terry was part of the whole “Chuck” conspiracy. James Murphy told me that when he was in Death, Chuck told him the band wasn’t allowed to wear certain t-shirts on stage. In interviews, they weren’t allowed to say that they liked certain bands that Chuck blacklisted. Was Terry just following orders, or was he an eager participant?
I have not even asked him, but from my whole experience, maybe Chuck’s just a very difficult person to fuckin’ work with.

After hanging out with Terry, dost thou not perceive a certain attitude?
Not with Terry. I don’t see how this guy could every have a bad thing to say about anyone, man/ He is the most mellowest.. the most laid-back person. I personally know from hanging out with Chuck, he’s far from being laid-back. He’s always got something to worry about.

When thou were writing lyrics, wert thou trying to stay away from the Cannibal Corpse tendencies?
No. Not really trying to. I know that these songs bring out a different feeling. Just listening to the music first, as I always do, I just kind of react from the vibe I get. Maybe some of the stories I had thought up in the past – they weren’t appropriate for Cannibal Corpse.

What comprises they musical diet?
Lots and lots of Lynard Skynard.

So thou art a hick.
No. I ain’t a hick. I’ve always liked Skynard even when I was a Yankee. I’m a fuckin’ reborn southern boy. I can relate to a lot of fuckin’ rock bands’ lyrics. I just get a personal feeling when I listen to his words. His voice is fuckin’ amazing. I wish I could accomplish as much as he could in that short amount of time, and be remembered like that band is remembered.

Dost thou think that a lot of people who have seen Ace Ventura know who thou art, or do they think that the band is just a group of hired actors?
I think that maybe they might think that, like lot of mainstream older people. It’s happened a few hundred times where I’ve been in a store and someone says, “Oh, you’re in a band?” These people just have no idea that death metal even exists. I might as well throw in the Ace Ventura question. “Do you remember that part? That’s me.” It’s a surprise to people that this is an actual band.

Was it a big goof for thee?
Yeah! It was totally cool. It was nerve-racking because I was traveling with a half ounce of the best pot, down my pants, and a dog came walking up about ten feet next to me in an airport – a fuckin’ police dog! So I almost didn’t make it down there because I was shaking, man. The dog didn’t come up and sniff at me. I would’ve been in fuckin’ jail. I try not to do that anymore.

Dogs sniff groins anyway, so it would not have been unusual.
That’s my ploy, but I don’t think it’ll work. I’m getting a little paranoid in my old age.

If thou ever wert a dinosaur for a children’s’ show named “Barnesy” what color wouldst thou be?
Puke green.


This interview with Samoth appeared in issue #12

Thy band refers to itself as intelligent black metal. I hope that it is not too cliche for me to ask thee to explain this term.
It is an attack on people, black metal or not, who either look upon black metal as something pathetic, or black metal people who often tend to make the genre look pathetic. We want to distance ourselves from the pseudo-evil, non-musical, and non-artistic side of black metal. We demand a certain standard and insight.

The Laveyans say that Satan has been the best friend the christians ever had because he has kept them in business. Cannot the church burnings also be the best advertisement that the christians ever had?
Yes! It can! It’s obvious that christians feel they have to keep strong together after such tragic events.. Anyway, the church burning was, in my point of view, more of a statement rather than a real attempt to destroy christianity. I mean, it takes more than burning a few churches to get rid of the whole belief system.

In the past, black metal bands were ridiculing commercial death metal, but now, I hear black metal bands are cannibalizing their scene, directing criticism upon their own kind. What is thy assessment of the scene that thou hast helped to create? Dost thou think that a wrong message was sent by the forefathers when they insulted commercial death metal without making the distinction that true death metal was in no way life metal?
I think people got bored with the death metal trend, and that led to black metal getting back again with full extremity. A lot of those death metal bands got away from the real death metal concept, and certain people in the black metal scene made it an image to mock such bands, and by doing so, also making black metal more extreme. Anyway, black metal has now gotten just as popular as death metal, and has kind of topped itself with a lot of moronic bands offering nothing but bad music quality and, in many ways, an infantile attitude. I think that’s why a lot of people are getting influenced by death metal again. I think metalheads rather should stay together rather than spending unnecessary energy on putting sticks in each other’s wheels.

The extreme pride in Norse heritage inspired similar loyalties across continents. In America, a land without culture, confused people became attracted to Odinism even though they have no Scandinavian blood. Dost thou see this as weakness?
It should be natural for Scandinavian people to honor their past history, because it’s our heritage, but I feel it’s rather ridiculous when bands, let’s say, from Italy, write lyrics in ancient Norse, especially when they have such a rich cultural history themselves. Well, I guess some American people can actually link their blood to the Scandinavian heritage, as their past family might have emigrated from the north… anyway, we see a lot of stupid people claiming to be this or that, and it makes no sense.

It was rumored that Emperor could not play the Metalfest because a certain felonious church-burner was not granted a visa. I know that the reaction to thee at the Metalfest would be one of worship.
I am still not granted any visa, simply because I did not apply for one. Nothing has been straightened out, actually. We’re taking the risk of being refused to get in. The people who booked us are aware of that. Worst case scenario is that Emperor will not play because some fucker at the airport causes trouble. Yeah, it seems everybody is waiting for Emperor to arrive in the States. We feel, of course, a little pressure, because people have such great expectation. When people have great expectations, it’s easy to be disappointed. It is impossible to deliver the same atmosphere as on the CD in a live situation. We also hope for a good audience who shows that they like the music. Emperor are not in favor of the I’m-too-evil-to-headbang attitude.

Obviously, thy albums are produced with particular preferences. I am wondering why the guitar is so low in the mix, and why the instruments seem too tightly compressed. There is a feeling that there is no space between notes.
Are you referring to the Anthems album? I do not agree with you. The guitars are not that low in the mix. I do not think the Anthems production is perfect… neither are Nightside. You learn as you live. Next time we’ll definitely try to get a clearer sound with more fine balance between all instruments.

Is it true that spandex is worn on stage?
No. That was one of Kerrang’s attempts to mock us after our live appearance in London. Ihsahn had black tights on. They might have been cheesy-looking, but it was not pink spandex, as the fucker wrote.

As Divine Grace

This interview with Jukka appeared in issue #12

It is a pleasure to come across masters of poetry. Couldst thou explain why thy CD insert shows only one printed line for each song? I know that the heavenly operatic vocals are easily deciphered if the ear is open. “You faded away like a line drawn on the water.”
The idea for that was that the CD cover art looks better with those lines than whole lyrics, and also, we had two different types of writers. Hanna Kalske, our vocalist, and Jan Mekitanta, our bass player. We decided to put only those lines that put things in balance. We have got more info from fans, and now it’s possible to get them (ed. – lyrics) from the Internet

The vocals are a highlight, but there is a more powerful tool that makes thee craft immense catchiness. It is the lead guitar. It is a combination of a savory tone, choice of notes, and picking style that works magic on the listener. Couldst thou tell more of the ingredients, such as how the sound was processed? It seems very close to chorus and flanging, but not quite.
Hey, I made about fifty interviews, and you are the first one to ask me about guitars! Perhaps the main thing that made the lead guitars sounding like they sound was that we used much time to arrange suitable guitar parts on each guitar. We used about twelve different guitars. Those very processed guitar sounds are made by using analog type machine called “vocoder” that I have from the ‘70s. It’s Roland, and absolutely great! With vocoder, you mix two sounds, like vocals and guitar, and get sound like guitar could talk. You control your guitar sound by singing. About keyboards – I used fifteen pieces that contain the old stuff, like Honher clarinet from the ‘70s, electric piano from DDR, two analog synths… Korg Polysix and Jen SX1000, sampler, and et cetera.

Thy songs are darkly atmospheric and rather exquisitely detailed. When I listen to thy masterpieces, I cannot help but to wonder how this beauty was created. Where does it all begin? How painfully is the music composed? It has soul-crushing build-ups and resolutions.
The process of creating over sixty minutes of music took the band nearly three years. The present sound is a blend of metal roots and various other forms of music that have influenced the members through the years. The aim is to write timeless music. The songwriting period is always very painful.

When putting the band together, was there an advertisement for a vocalist, or was Hanna known? Her voice is quite perfect for the music.
The truth about that is that Hannah was the girlfriend of Ari’s friend, and the guy came up to us and told us that there is one girl that is fucking great singer, so we asked her to come and try to sing to tape, and that was it! I agree with you 100% that Hannah is the best kind of singer for our music.

When I first heard that thy band had a female singer, I expected a higher register, but I did not let this prejudice me. I set the CD aside until I was in the proper mood, and then I listened without any prophesy. A similar magic overcame me with Straus when I heard “Biem Schlafengehen” which started flat, but it lulled me into a state in which I became defenseless against the crescendo. The lure of thy band is that there is no dominant talent that overshadows the other instruments. Each musician is contributing something to intensify the sorrowful beauty.
You know, here in Finland, everybody have some kind of base element of thinking things melancholic. It’s perhaps because of our long dark winter.

jesus, the Daughter of god
jesus, the Daughter of god

Grimoire of ExALTED dEEDS #8

Bill Zebub has discovered an extra issue #8 and has posted it on Ebay. CLICK HERE

This was the first newsprint issue that contained color. Of course, color in newsprint isn’t as vibrant or sharp as on glossy paper, but the color glossy covers wouldn’t appear until issue #12, which incidentally, was the official program for the Milwaukee Metalfest (Jack Koshick was cool enough to keep the mag in its normal format – he only wanted the centerfold to list the band times) That was the first issue to print 40,000 copies.

Issue #8 had its own claims to history, but that is for you to learn, or to own.

Anal CUnt

This interview with Seth Putnam appeared in issue #8

Dost thou find it pretty gay that have not received thy CD yet?
Yeah. I’m pretty upset about it. I’ll scream at Earache today. Next week I’ll be there. I gotta give ‘em this new CD of love songs that’s coming out in, like June. There’s 6 songs with acoustic guitars. Actually, it’s 5 love songs and I politically-correct environmental song.

I heard that the name of the new album was supposed to be called “You are Gay” and that the front of the album was supposed to contain a mirror.
Yeah. That’s one of the things that we were considering doing. But I figured that Earache’s too stingy to spring for a mirrored cover. So that’s why we didn’t do it. With an album like “You’re Gay” – whoever buys it – that’s their face on the cover.

Didst thou know that the word “gullible” is not in the dictionary?

I didn’t know that.

Hast thou ever seen visions in a person’s anal vapors?
No. Not really.

Oh, it is that type of interview, is it?
I don’t give a fuck, dude.

I shall have to give Blood Duster a call. In any case, I heard that thou called Chris Barnes “gay,” and then punched him in the face, and then his roadies beat thee up.
The non-exaggerated true story is, they were playing, and me and my guitarist were heckling them the whole show. And then after he got off stage I said, “Ha ha. You got kicked out of Cannibal Corpse” and he, like, walked over and tried to grab me. It was like being grabbed by a 3-year-old. I was like, “What? You want to fight me or something?” He’s like, “Yeah.” “Anyway, let’s go outside.” My back was turned in front of him as we were walking toward the door so I can beat him up outside. Then I got jumped by like 5 of the roadies and band members. And then I got thrown out of the club by the bouncers.

Not everyone who aspires be an asshole succeeds.
Even before A.C. started, I was a pretty well-known asshole around here, especially tormenting bands when they were playing, and getting into fights with Possessed when they came, and wearing John Travolta suits when Wargasm played and break dance during the whole show and stuff like that. They’d be totally mad and wouldn’t want to finish playing. I just made it more of an international level kind of thing, being a dick to everyone across the planet.

There is a problem between thee and the English band “Solstice.”
I’ve never actually heard them or heard of them until you brought it up. I know it’s some stupid thing the old publicist at Earache was trying to get.. something gay like… he’s a publicist at Relapse now. I don’t know the exact details. But he was making up this stupid metal thing. I don’t even know what the fuck he was talking about. It’s some “publicist” thing. So what are you saying, Solstice is all mad at me or something like that? It’s not like I care, but what did that publicist say to them?

They are mad because thou stole the idea for a Manowar cover.
Yeah, ‘cause THEY’RE the first persons that probably ever thought of doing that because they’re totally unique and original and all that stuff. So I’m sure they’re the first people ever to think of doing a Manowar cover. Yeah. I was, like, spying outside their house. I had, like, a van with all their house tapped.

Dost thou think that it is gay to think that?
Yes. Exactly. I never heard them. But I know that they’re gay anyway with a name as stupid as that. Do they spell it like “S-o-u-l” or something like that?

No. They spell it with a silent”G-a-y.”
(laughs) Yeah, that’s what I thought.

But supposedly they will pay to fly thee over to England just to destroy thee. How much gayness is in thy anus?
A plethora.

Let us turn our attention to dick-heads. I did notice that thou dost enjoy use of the word “gay.”
I don’t know if it’s like that where you are from, but around here it’s the typical Massachusetts common word,” calling everything “gay.”

So are there are a lot of gay people in Massachusetts?
Not really. No. But calling everything gay is very common around here.

By that reasoning, there are a lot of gay people in Massachusetts.
There’s a gay section. It’s on the gay part of the map, with flowers.

But if everything is called gay, by that reasoning, everyone where you live is gay.

Will there ever be a song called, “I am Gay?
Maybe if I ever become gay, yeah. If I get a job as an interior decorator or something like that. We’re already working on our “I’m Old” album to put out when we’re, like, 70 or something like that because by then we probably wouldn’t be able to do this stuff anymore. So if we record it now and put it out then as a “comeback” album…

Hast thou ever been dicked over Finberg?
remember he was kissing my ass one time. We played Allentown in, like, ‘94 and he’s like “I want to be your booking agent really bad.” He’s giving me the whole sales pitch. And then when he saw us wrecking the place and hitting people, he wasn’t too much interested anymore.

I thought it was because thou referred to him as “Mr. Whipple’s grandson.”
No… He is, though, isn’t be?

Didst thou ever see him squeeze Charman?
I’ve heard a lot of funny stuff about him. He got mad at someone who was calling him a “fat Jew” or something like that. I think Tom Pasquale said something like that.

Is Tom a fat Jew as well?
He’s, like, a big fat Jew.

Just to complete thy sentiments of Finberg and Pasquale, dost thou think that their enmity is just because they are from different tribes of Israel that are warring factions?
Yeah. I think that in the old times Finberg walked out of Pasquale’s grandfather’s bakery stealing some bagels. There’s been problems ever since.

You know how it goes with feuds and everything…

What is it about thee that makes gangs of people fight thee at one time?
I don’t know. I haven’t gotten in a fight with “one” person in like a million years. Every time I get into fights it’s with 6 people or so.

Dost thou think that it is gay to be Jewish?

l was afraid that though wouldst back down from that question. Dost thou not know that it is politically incorrect to say things like that?
It’s definitely pretty mustache-growing to be Jewish.

Dost thou also think that it is gay to be Middle-Eastern in any way?
Oh yeah. They all have mustaches, so…

The Geraldo mustache?
Yeah. That’s a definite sign of a gay person immediately. When you see a mustache you might as well have a pink triangle on your forehead.

Who dost thou think is gay in the underground and at the same time pretending not to be gay?
Chris Barnes, anyone who wears corpsepaint, and any band in the last 12 years.

Wilt thou have a 20-page insert booklet describing how to avoid gayness in the underground?
No. I’m too lazy, I’d rather just write stupid songs about it. I don’t even give a shit about the underground. So I won’t waste my time.

That is easy for thee to say now that thou art a rock star.
It’s not like, “Be friends with everyone in the underground. Please like us.” We were never like that. It wasn’t like we were trying to be underground. We just had no choice. The stuff that we’re doing – we can’t get signed to Capital Records.

What dost thou think of Diggy?
He’s never seemed to pay much attention to us. He’s been signing a lot of gay bands lately. His label’s just gone totally limp-wristed. He just has no idea what he’s doing anymore.

Didst thou ever write a song called, “Dig is Gay?”
We did some song about him before…

But he did not “dig” it?
(Fake laugher). Everyone knows it. If we had songs like, “Homos are Gay” everyone knows that. So why bother?

Thou liketh to challenge with the word “gay.”
Yeth. I like to make people aware of stuff that’s gay that they might not know is gay.

So each A.C. album is a path to enlightenment.
We’re just, like, messengers of enlightenment.

Dost thy pastor know that thou writeth the lyrics that thou dost?
No. He’s dead.

Didst thou attend the funeral?

Didst thou ever officially break away, or art thou officially a church-going boy?
I was, like, forced to go to Catholic school when I was younger.

Wert thou ever punished in a very unusual way by a man?
Well, a nun smashed my head against a blackboard. So I punched her in the face… when I was in 4th grade. And she was, like, horrified.

So thou wert a terrifying child?
Yes. I was way worse than I am now.

Was the battle with that nun thy last one-on-one fight?
Yeah. Pretty much. Actually, the group thing started in, like, 6th grade. I was chased by everyone in my class once. It was pretty fun.

Did it involve the word “gay”?

No. I punched one of the girls in the class in the face. The whole school was chasing me.

Thou dost not care if the person is male or female.
No. They complain about equal rights.

I have no more topics.

Oh yeah, how come you have that stupid disclaimer on your fuckin’ thing, like, that’s the only thing, like, that’s the only thing that I got bummed out about. You make fun of everything and then you have that gay (he war-
bles in mock wimpiness of me).

That was pretty gay of me, was it not?
That’s the only mustache tendency I found in the fanzine. I think you should stand behind everything. We don’t have disclaimers.

Hast thou ever been sued?
Yeah, I punched some girl in the face at one of our shows. I got thrown in jail and had to pay $1,200 in restitution.

Why didst thou punch her in the face?
It could have been anyone. I was just drunk. Someone pushed me and I turned around and swung, with a mike in my hand. It turned out to be this woman with a huge bump on her face.

Was it a fat pig?

Hast thou ever been with a fat girl?
Well, you know that I drink a lot, right?

Well there you go.

Didst thou throw some modern art into it thy CD to make people give clueless interpretations of thy intentions?
I have an art opening at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.

Not too many people know that thou leadth a double life, that thou art actually quite respected in the artistic community.
Yeah, like, Andy Warhol personally gave me a beret once, and a cigarette holder, because he’s very respectful of my art.

And didst thou not accidentally burn the beret with a cigarette that is smoked exclusively in gay clubs?
(with a lisp) I wath thmoking a thigarette at dith bar, and thum philly wath lighting my thigarette, and it juth went up. And I got a bit of my hair and my nailth methed up. It’s just too avante garde for words. I can’t even explain it.

What is the relationship with thee and Relapse?
Um… well… What do you mean?

Thou knowst what I mean.
Um… How do I know them, or somethin?

I was just trying to railroad thee.
The only way I can badmouth them is by saying that just about every band on the label sucks. But, um, I get along with the guys at Relapse and stuff.

Even the Jewish guys?
Oh, there’s no Hebe’s at that label.

I heard that there are.
Really? Who?

Either Mat or Bill.
Really? I don’t like ‘em anymore!

Didst thou get along with them until just now?
Yeah. I mean, I used to like them ‘til now. Now that I found out that they’re fuckin’ Jews, forget it!

Well, I have run out of questions that thou could give one-word answers to.
I’m boring. You know? What can you expect?

Move over, I have to interview Cradle of Filth.
What will you be having, quiche, or something?


This interview with Aphazel appeared in issue #10. Raychelle Tiege, who was a publicist at several labels, told me that when she went to Norway, she rang the doorbell at Aphazel’s house, and he answered the door. She was shocked that he had short hair. When he realized who she was, he closed the door, put on a wig, and then answered the door again. You can ask her about those details.

Hast thou been called a Cradle of Filth rip-off?
Yeah. Mostly in Europe.

The table on thy album cover might have the same symbolism for over-indulgence as used by Cradle of Filth.
We really didn’t have Cradle of Filth in mind when we took the photo. When I look at it now, it looks kind of similar.

The vocals of the female also mirror those of Cradle of Filth.
That, I can’t really comment on too much. I, myself, am not really a big fan of Cradle of Filth.

Thou art the one who has short hair and wore a wig out of shame.
I don’t care if people… if that’s the worst thing that they can say about the band, then that’s cool.

There was a singer, Kim, on thy last album.
Yeah. We kicked her out of the band.

Someone alleges that wherever she sleeps, she leaves with more that she had.
I am not surprised to hear that. She’s really… what’s the word… conceited. She stole money from Metal Blade, and she stole money from us. I’ve heard that she’s stealing from everybody. I lent her money for a keyboard. She didn’t pay back the whole amount.

I heard that she was thrown out because she had an affair with Hellhammer from Mayhem while she was dating John McEntee from Incantation.
It was way before she even started to go over to Norway, I think.

Did she show any member of Ancient a bit of loving?

She didn’t get the job that way?
No. I met her at a festival in Tennessee.

Wert thou wearing a wig at the time?

There is, on the back of thy CD booklet something that looks suspiciously like a King Diamond symbol.
Yeah. That’s exactly the same one that King Diamond uses.

Dost thou make snowmen?

Does Kalaphus write songs about snowfall in the Amazon rain forest?
Not that I’m aware of.

When Euronymous was killed, what was Ancient doing at the time?
We were getting ready to release the first album.

Wouldst thou agree that there are a lot of bands riding that trend?
Oh yeah. There’s more and more black metal bands all the time because they see that as an easy way to get recognition.

If thou were Superman, would originality be thy kryptonite?
What’s kryptonite?

Thou never heard of Superman?
Yeah, but we want to do something original, and I think we pretty much have done it on the album in a lot of ways.

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