This interview with Sharlee D’Angelo was conducted by Jennifer Ligierie for issue #17. Jennifer was introduced to me by her boyfriend at a show. He asked if she could be a Grimoire Girl. I told the two of them that the answer is yes, but she still has to submit the usual way (sending a roll of film that I develop. In the print-version days of the Grimoire, the high end digital cameras were not even 5 megapixels, but even if they were a million, I insisted on a roll of film that I developed, to reduce any chance of fakery. For example, a mad guy could send in pics of his ex-girlfriend. That would backfire, of course, because at least 40,000 people would see an attractive girl scantily clad and worship her. I also had to make sure that she was metal).
Jennifer called a lot, and we hung out, but there were no pictures sent. One night, she broke the friendship barrier and kissed me, and we fooled around for some time. I just kept it at the making out level because she had a boyfriend.
Due to my having made out with her, I considered it a conflict of interests to award her the Grimoire Girl status. Instead, I had her interview bands.
I had her and Sharlee take some joke pictures, and in one, they were each eating a waffle that connected their faces. That idea came from seeing a commercial for a Disney movie in which two dogs eat spaghetti, and they accidentally slurp the same noodle, which brought their faces together for a kiss. Jen and Sharlee chomped the waffle that joined their faces, and suddenly Jen and Sharlee kissed. Well, I guess I knew what her boyfriend would feel like when she told him about her and me, ha ha. Sharlee was blameless. After the initial contact, he opened his eyes in shock. He was not to blame.
Jen and I became an item after she informed her boyfriend of my immense sexiness. OK, maybe that is not what she told him. But the fling didn’t last. That is why she finally became the Grimoire Girl. When she submitted her pictures, it was no longer a conflict of interest. We stayed friends until her death. She was in a few of my movies, including Assmonster, Dirtbags, The Crucifier, and The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made/Horror Odyssey.
(Muffy Stuffoleese/Jen) Are you straight?
(Sharlee) Ah… sometimes my nose is a little crooked, but the rest of me is pretty straight, yes.
The world wants to know if the breasts of the girl who poses as a nun in your ads are real.
Yeah, they’re real… I mean, they exist.
Are they silicon?
They think, therefore they
How have Americans reacted to your penis? Were women shocked by your foreskin? And how big is it?
Well, the foreskin itself is pretty huge. I mean, sometimes you get
filled by a mass of flesh. It’s a bit frightening at points… especially the foreskin… they just don’t know how to deal with it. They haven’t seen it before. It’s just like, “Why is this guy wearing a polo shirt?” That’s what they say. But other than that,it’s been OK.
Do you warn women beforehand?
No. I want it to be a surprise. If they really love me, they can deal with it. (There is a momentary pause in which Jen looks him over, her expression unreadable)
Can I see your penis? Bill never lets me see his, and I’m really curious what an uncircumcised penis looks like.
Well, the thing is, you do not want to see Bill’s.
I heard it’s pretty small.
It’s pretty obvious it’s very small. It might not be as small as you
think, but it’s not huge or anything. Well,you can see my penis, but not now.
Do you have gel in your hair?
No, I do not. Unlike Mr. Zebub, I wash my hair sometimes, and it’s not as nice and frizzy as his hair is. Doesn’t it hurt when he deep-fries his hair?
Is Witchery the #1 priority for Necropolis Records?
Negro Police? Yeah, because they don’t have any other band on Negro Police Records, or Castro Police Records as it’s known by now.
It would be pretty gay to imitate the vocals of a person who’s a flaming homosexual, wouldn’t it?
Uh… it could be, but it could also be, like, a lot of fun to do that, as happens with some bands.
Why does your singer sound like Udo sometimes? The guy is a fag and a half.
Well, the thing is, our singer never wore camouflage clothing. He painted his face black and white, so it’s not camouflage colors. But
that’s really what he wants… the camouflage colors.
Do traditional black metal bands get mad at the feminine way that Witchery wears corpsepaint?
Traditional black metal bands are very feminine, in my opinion at least. They’re from Norway. Norway is a feminine country. Just listen to the melody of the language( Sharlee sounds like Dizzy Galespi’s trumpet to illustrate the gayness of the Norwegian language). That’s so gay. No, but seriously… we never heard anything like that. We are welcoming anything that they have to say.
Are you embarrassed about the musical mistakes on the EP of cover songs? A gay magazine suggested that you were.
No I am not! We’re all perfect. Everybody should know that.
Witchery is completely perfect. There are no flaws anywhere.
But apparently there was an interview in a magazine, the editor of who looks like a gay tennis player, wherein Jensen apologized for musical errors.
Which he should not have done. He must’ve been out of his mind or something. To apologize to someone who looks like that… (Sharlee makes a pfft sound in disgust)… I mean, would you do that?
Will Witchery be doing a track on the King Diamond tribute coming out on Necropolis?
We might do that, actually, although we won’t be doing it as Witchery. We are calling ourselves The Flaming Andy LaCocks. I don’t know what song we’ll do, but we’ll see. If we find something with pink in the title. We just might do it, just as a salute to our record company boss.
(Jen laughs ) Bill fell off his chair. (Jen composes herself) How was your tour with Dismember?
It couldn’t be better. It was, like, four other fat guys from Stockholm.
Do you think that your lyrics and song titles are gay and cheesy?
No. See, it’s not cheesy. I mean, they’re, like, gay and dark… completely like down in the dungeon, if you know what dungeon I’m talking about.
Maybe. Do you perform hip movements on stage?
Absolutely. All the time. I’m a little preoccupied with playing, so sometimes I just miss doing it. If I do it, I do it right. But otherwise, always.
Any funny stories from this particular tour?
Yeah, we played at Birch Hill, and I met this guy who was wearing these god-awful shoes. It’s like, he thinks it’s hip. His hair is deep fried. He probably went down to the Village and
bought this really cool bracelet that’s, like,orange.
How old do you think he is? Like 52?
He’s probably around 38. But he
tries to be 23. The thing is, his sideburns… the handles… what can you do with that?
I don’t want to know. Did Grimoire Girl #9 pay a surprise visit to your hotel?
Not my hotel. Who’s #9?
Yes! She did! She scared the shit out of me. I was sitting down with my guitar player, just on the bed talking, and he mentioned Felicia called about 15 minutes ago. He says, “Speak of the devil.” I turned around and there she is, standing there all dark-looking and lovely.
Do you think she’s gorgeous?
(Bill Zebub) Do you think Jen is gorgeous?
(Bill Zebub) Jen, show him your tits.
(Jen launches a furious
attack) You fuckin’ prick!!!
Get a hold of yourself, Bill! You don’t say things like that! She’s a
(Jen, after she beats the shit out of Bill Zebub and makes everyone in the dressing room laugh) Are you in any other bands, or have you stopped trying to be everyone’s bass player?
(Sharlee answers while Bill keeps repeating “That didn’t hurt”) I’ve stopped that for now. I think I’ve had just about enough of bands that suck for a while. No, really, I’m basically concentrating on three bands at the moment, which is still a little bit too much.
(Jen asks while two security guards come into the room to see what all the noise was about, and they ask why the guy with the frizzy hair is holding a bloody tissue to his nose) Bass wasn’t your chosen instrument, was it? I heard that you originally played it because no one wanted to learn bass in Sweden.
Bass is obviously a loser instrument, and everybody wants to be a guitar player. Those who are left behind have to play bass. Since I couldn’t play fast enough on the lead guitar back when Yngay Malmstein was a god, I just had to settle for bass. I enjoyed it in a way, and then I had to tell myself that bass is the only instrument for a real man. So basically I am a loser and here I
(Bill Zebub) When you talk to people for the first time, what country do they think you are from, you damn Polak?
They think Switzerland, or they say Sweden, the land of clocks
You’re definitely straight?
As I’ve said before, some parts of my body might be slightly crooked. Otherwise, I’m