This interview with Seth Putnam appeared in issue #8

Dost thou find it pretty gay that have not received thy CD yet?
Yeah. I’m pretty upset about it. I’ll scream at Earache today. Next week I’ll be there. I gotta give ‘em this new CD of love songs that’s coming out in, like June. There’s 6 songs with acoustic guitars. Actually, it’s 5 love songs and I politically-correct environmental song.

I heard that the name of the new album was supposed to be called “You are Gay” and that the front of the album was supposed to contain a mirror.
Yeah. That’s one of the things that we were considering doing. But I figured that Earache’s too stingy to spring for a mirrored cover. So that’s why we didn’t do it. With an album like “You’re Gay” – whoever buys it – that’s their face on the cover.

Didst thou know that the word “gullible” is not in the dictionary?
Really?

Yes.
I didn’t know that.

Hast thou ever seen visions in a person’s anal vapors?
No. Not really.

Oh, it is that type of interview, is it?
I don’t give a fuck, dude.

I shall have to give Blood Duster a call. In any case, I heard that thou called Chris Barnes “gay,” and then punched him in the face, and then his roadies beat thee up.
The non-exaggerated true story is, they were playing, and me and my guitarist were heckling them the whole show. And then after he got off stage I said, “Ha ha. You got kicked out of Cannibal Corpse” and he, like, walked over and tried to grab me. It was like being grabbed by a 3-year-old. I was like, “What? You want to fight me or something?” He’s like, “Yeah.” “Anyway, let’s go outside.” My back was turned in front of him as we were walking toward the door so I can beat him up outside. Then I got jumped by like 5 of the roadies and band members. And then I got thrown out of the club by the bouncers.

Not everyone who aspires be an asshole succeeds.
Even before A.C. started, I was a pretty well-known asshole around here, especially tormenting bands when they were playing, and getting into fights with Possessed when they came, and wearing John Travolta suits when Wargasm played and break dance during the whole show and stuff like that. They’d be totally mad and wouldn’t want to finish playing. I just made it more of an international level kind of thing, being a dick to everyone across the planet.

There is a problem between thee and the English band “Solstice.”
I’ve never actually heard them or heard of them until you brought it up. I know it’s some stupid thing the old publicist at Earache was trying to get.. something gay like… he’s a publicist at Relapse now. I don’t know the exact details. But he was making up this stupid metal thing. I don’t even know what the fuck he was talking about. It’s some “publicist” thing. So what are you saying, Solstice is all mad at me or something like that? It’s not like I care, but what did that publicist say to them?

They are mad because thou stole the idea for a Manowar cover.
Yeah, ‘cause THEY’RE the first persons that probably ever thought of doing that because they’re totally unique and original and all that stuff. So I’m sure they’re the first people ever to think of doing a Manowar cover. Yeah. I was, like, spying outside their house. I had, like, a van with all their house tapped.

Dost thou think that it is gay to think that?
Yes. Exactly. I never heard them. But I know that they’re gay anyway with a name as stupid as that. Do they spell it like “S-o-u-l” or something like that?

No. They spell it with a silent”G-a-y.”
(laughs) Yeah, that’s what I thought.

But supposedly they will pay to fly thee over to England just to destroy thee. How much gayness is in thy anus?
A plethora.

Let us turn our attention to dick-heads. I did notice that thou dost enjoy use of the word “gay.”
I don’t know if it’s like that where you are from, but around here it’s the typical Massachusetts common word,” calling everything “gay.”

So are there are a lot of gay people in Massachusetts?
Not really. No. But calling everything gay is very common around here.

By that reasoning, there are a lot of gay people in Massachusetts.
There’s a gay section. It’s on the gay part of the map, with flowers.

But if everything is called gay, by that reasoning, everyone where you live is gay.
Yeah

Will there ever be a song called, “I am Gay?
Maybe if I ever become gay, yeah. If I get a job as an interior decorator or something like that. We’re already working on our “I’m Old” album to put out when we’re, like, 70 or something like that because by then we probably wouldn’t be able to do this stuff anymore. So if we record it now and put it out then as a “comeback” album…

Hast thou ever been dicked over Finberg?
I remember he was kissing my ass one time. We played Allentown in, like, ‘94 and he’s like “I want to be your booking agent really bad.” He’s giving me the whole sales pitch. And then when he saw us wrecking the place and hitting people, he wasn’t too much interested anymore.

I thought it was because thou referred to him as “Mr. Whipple’s grandson.”
No… He is, though, isn’t be?

Didst thou ever see him squeeze Charman?
I’ve heard a lot of funny stuff about him. He got mad at someone who was calling him a “fat Jew” or something like that. I think Tom Pasquale said something like that.

Is Tom a fat Jew as well?
He’s, like, a big fat Jew.

Just to complete thy sentiments of Finberg and Pasquale, dost thou think that their enmity is just because they are from different tribes of Israel that are warring factions?
Yeah. I think that in the old times Finberg walked out of Pasquale’s grandfather’s bakery stealing some bagels. There’s been problems ever since.

Really?
You know how it goes with feuds and everything…

What is it about thee that makes gangs of people fight thee at one time?
I don’t know. I haven’t gotten in a fight with “one” person in like a million years. Every time I get into fights it’s with 6 people or so.

Dost thou think that it is gay to be Jewish?
Yeah.

l was afraid that though wouldst back down from that question. Dost thou not know that it is politically incorrect to say things like that?
It’s definitely pretty mustache-growing to be Jewish.

Dost thou also think that it is gay to be Middle-Eastern in any way?
Oh yeah. They all have mustaches, so…

The Geraldo mustache?
Yeah. That’s a definite sign of a gay person immediately. When you see a mustache you might as well have a pink triangle on your forehead.

Who dost thou think is gay in the underground and at the same time pretending not to be gay?
Chris Barnes, anyone who wears corpsepaint, and any band in the last 12 years.

Wilt thou have a 20-page insert booklet describing how to avoid gayness in the underground?
No. I’m too lazy, I’d rather just write stupid songs about it. I don’t even give a shit about the underground. So I won’t waste my time.

That is easy for thee to say now that thou art a rock star.
It’s not like, “Be friends with everyone in the underground. Please like us.” We were never like that. It wasn’t like we were trying to be underground. We just had no choice. The stuff that we’re doing – we can’t get signed to Capital Records.

What dost thou think of Diggy?
He’s never seemed to pay much attention to us. He’s been signing a lot of gay bands lately. His label’s just gone totally limp-wristed. He just has no idea what he’s doing anymore.

Didst thou ever write a song called, “Dig is Gay?”
We did some song about him before…

But he did not “dig” it?
(Fake laugher). Everyone knows it. If we had songs like, “Homos are Gay” everyone knows that. So why bother?

Thou liketh to challenge with the word “gay.”
Yeth. I like to make people aware of stuff that’s gay that they might not know is gay.

So each A.C. album is a path to enlightenment.
We’re just, like, messengers of enlightenment.

Dost thy pastor know that thou writeth the lyrics that thou dost?
No. He’s dead.

Didst thou attend the funeral?
No.

Didst thou ever officially break away, or art thou officially a church-going boy?
I was, like, forced to go to Catholic school when I was younger.

Wert thou ever punished in a very unusual way by a man?
Well, a nun smashed my head against a blackboard. So I punched her in the face… when I was in 4th grade. And she was, like, horrified.

So thou wert a terrifying child?
Yes. I was way worse than I am now.

Was the battle with that nun thy last one-on-one fight?
Yeah. Pretty much. Actually, the group thing started in, like, 6th grade. I was chased by everyone in my class once. It was pretty fun.

Did it involve the word “gay”?

No. I punched one of the girls in the class in the face. The whole school was chasing me.

Thou dost not care if the person is male or female.
No. They complain about equal rights.

I have no more topics.

Oh yeah, how come you have that stupid disclaimer on your fuckin’ thing, like, that’s the only thing, like, that’s the only thing that I got bummed out about. You make fun of everything and then you have that gay (he war-
bles in mock wimpiness of me).

That was pretty gay of me, was it not?
That’s the only mustache tendency I found in the fanzine. I think you should stand behind everything. We don’t have disclaimers.

Hast thou ever been sued?
Yeah, I punched some girl in the face at one of our shows. I got thrown in jail and had to pay $1,200 in restitution.

Why didst thou punch her in the face?
It could have been anyone. I was just drunk. Someone pushed me and I turned around and swung, with a mike in my hand. It turned out to be this woman with a huge bump on her face.

Was it a fat pig?
Yeah.

Hast thou ever been with a fat girl?
Well, you know that I drink a lot, right?

Yes.
Well there you go.

Didst thou throw some modern art into it thy CD to make people give clueless interpretations of thy intentions?
I have an art opening at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.

Not too many people know that thou leadth a double life, that thou art actually quite respected in the artistic community.
Yeah, like, Andy Warhol personally gave me a beret once, and a cigarette holder, because he’s very respectful of my art.

And didst thou not accidentally burn the beret with a cigarette that is smoked exclusively in gay clubs?
(with a lisp) I wath thmoking a thigarette at dith bar, and thum philly wath lighting my thigarette, and it juth went up. And I got a bit of my hair and my nailth methed up. It’s just too avante garde for words. I can’t even explain it.

What is the relationship with thee and Relapse?
Um… well… What do you mean?

Thou knowst what I mean.
Um… How do I know them, or somethin?

I was just trying to railroad thee.
The only way I can badmouth them is by saying that just about every band on the label sucks. But, um, I get along with the guys at Relapse and stuff.

Even the Jewish guys?
Oh, there’s no Hebe’s at that label.

I heard that there are.
Really? Who?

Either Mat or Bill.
Really? I don’t like ‘em anymore!

Didst thou get along with them until just now?
Yeah. I mean, I used to like them ‘til now. Now that I found out that they’re fuckin’ Jews, forget it!

Well, I have run out of questions that thou could give one-word answers to.
I’m boring. You know? What can you expect?

Move over, I have to interview Cradle of Filth.
What will you be having, quiche, or something?