This interview with Seth Putnam appeared in issue #8
Dost thou find it pretty gay that have not received thy CD yet? Yeah. I’m pretty upset about it. I’ll scream at Earache today. Next week I’ll be there. I gotta give ‘em this new CD of love songs that’s coming out in, like June. There’s 6 songs with acoustic guitars. Actually, it’s 5 love songs and I politically-correct environmental song.
I heard that the name of the new album was supposed to be called “You are Gay” and that the front of the album was supposed to contain a mirror. Yeah. That’s one of the things that we were considering doing. But I figured that Earache’s too stingy to spring for a mirrored cover. So that’s why we didn’t do it. With an album like “You’re Gay” – whoever buys it – that’s their face on the cover.
Didst thou know that the word “gullible” is not in the dictionary? Really?
Yes. I didn’t know that.
Hast thou ever seen visions in a person’s anal vapors? No. Not really.
Oh, it is that type of interview, is it? I don’t give a fuck, dude.
I shall have to give Blood Duster a call. In any case, I heard that thou called Chris Barnes “gay,” and then punched him in the face, and then his roadies beat thee up. The non-exaggerated true story is, they were playing, and me and my guitarist were heckling them the whole show. And then after he got off stage I said, “Ha ha. You got kicked out of Cannibal Corpse” and he, like, walked over and tried to grab me. It was like being grabbed by a 3-year-old. I was like, “What? You want to fight me or something?” He’s like, “Yeah.” “Anyway, let’s go outside.” My back was turned in front of him as we were walking toward the door so I can beat him up outside. Then I got jumped by like 5 of the roadies and band members. And then I got thrown out of the club by the bouncers.
Not everyone who aspires be an asshole succeeds. Even before A.C. started, I was a pretty well-known asshole around here, especially tormenting bands when they were playing, and getting into fights with Possessed when they came, and wearing John Travolta suits when Wargasm played and break dance during the whole show and stuff like that. They’d be totally mad and wouldn’t want to finish playing. I just made it more of an international level kind of thing, being a dick to everyone across the planet.
There is a problem between thee and the English band “Solstice.” I’ve never actually heard them or heard of them until you brought it up. I know it’s some stupid thing the old publicist at Earache was trying to get.. something gay like… he’s a publicist at Relapse now. I don’t know the exact details. But he was making up this stupid metal thing. I don’t even know what the fuck he was talking about. It’s some “publicist” thing. So what are you saying, Solstice is all mad at me or something like that? It’s not like I care, but what did that publicist say to them?
They are mad because thou stole the idea for a Manowar cover. Yeah, ‘cause THEY’RE the first persons that probably ever thought of doing that because they’re totally unique and original and all that stuff. So I’m sure they’re the first people ever to think of doing a Manowar cover. Yeah. I was, like, spying outside their house. I had, like, a van with all their house tapped.
Dost thou think that it is gay to think that? Yes. Exactly. I never heard them. But I know that they’re gay anyway with a name as stupid as that. Do they spell it like “S-o-u-l” or something like that?
No. They spell it with a silent”G-a-y.” (laughs) Yeah, that’s what I thought.
But supposedly they will pay to fly thee over to England just to destroy thee. How much gayness is in thy anus? A plethora.
Let us turn our attention to dick-heads. I did notice that thou dost enjoy use of the word “gay.” I don’t know if it’s like that where you are from, but around here it’s the typical Massachusetts common word,” calling everything “gay.”
So are there are a lot of gay people in Massachusetts? Not really. No. But calling everything gay is very common around here.
By that reasoning, there are a lot of gay people in Massachusetts. There’s a gay section. It’s on the gay part of the map, with flowers.
But if everything is called gay, by that reasoning, everyone where you live is gay. Yeah
Will there ever be a song called, “I am Gay? Maybe if I ever become gay, yeah. If I get a job as an interior decorator or something like that. We’re already working on our “I’m Old” album to put out when we’re, like, 70 or something like that because by then we probably wouldn’t be able to do this stuff anymore. So if we record it now and put it out then as a “comeback” album…
Hast thou ever been dicked over Finberg? I remember he was kissing my ass one time. We played Allentown in, like, ‘94 and he’s like “I want to be your booking agent really bad.” He’s giving me the whole sales pitch. And then when he saw us wrecking the place and hitting people, he wasn’t too much interested anymore.
I thought it was because thou referred to him as “Mr. Whipple’s grandson.” No… He is, though, isn’t be?
Didst thou ever see him squeeze Charman? I’ve heard a lot of funny stuff about him. He got mad at someone who was calling him a “fat Jew” or something like that. I think Tom Pasquale said something like that.
Is Tom a fat Jew as well? He’s, like, a big fat Jew.
Just to complete thy sentiments of Finberg and Pasquale, dost thou think that their enmity is just because they are from different tribes of Israel that are warring factions? Yeah. I think that in the old times Finberg walked out of Pasquale’s grandfather’s bakery stealing some bagels. There’s been problems ever since.
Really? You know how it goes with feuds and everything…
What is it about thee that makes gangs of people fight thee at one time? I don’t know. I haven’t gotten in a fight with “one” person in like a million years. Every time I get into fights it’s with 6 people or so.
Dost thou think that it is gay to be Jewish? Yeah.
l was afraid that though wouldst back down from that question. Dost thou not know that it is politically incorrect to say things like that? It’s definitely pretty mustache-growing to be Jewish.
Dost thou also think that it is gay to be Middle-Eastern in any way? Oh yeah. They all have mustaches, so…
The Geraldo mustache? Yeah. That’s a definite sign of a gay person immediately. When you see a mustache you might as well have a pink triangle on your forehead.
Who dost thou think is gay in the underground and at the same time pretending not to be gay? Chris Barnes, anyone who wears corpsepaint, and any band in the last 12 years.
Wilt thou have a 20-page insert booklet describing how to avoid gayness in the underground? No. I’m too lazy, I’d rather just write stupid songs about it. I don’t even give a shit about the underground. So I won’t waste my time.
That is easy for thee to say now that thou art a rock star. It’s not like, “Be friends with everyone in the underground. Please like us.” We were never like that. It wasn’t like we were trying to be underground. We just had no choice. The stuff that we’re doing – we can’t get signed to Capital Records.
What dost thou think of Diggy? He’s never seemed to pay much attention to us. He’s been signing a lot of gay bands lately. His label’s just gone totally limp-wristed. He just has no idea what he’s doing anymore.
Didst thou ever write a song called, “Dig is Gay?” We did some song about him before…
But he did not “dig” it? (Fake laugher). Everyone knows it. If we had songs like, “Homos are Gay” everyone knows that. So why bother?
Thou liketh to challenge with the word “gay.” Yeth. I like to make people aware of stuff that’s gay that they might not know is gay.
So each A.C. album is a path to enlightenment. We’re just, like, messengers of enlightenment.
Dost thy pastor know that thou writeth the lyrics that thou dost? No. He’s dead.
Didst thou attend the funeral? No.
Didst thou ever officially break away, or art thou officially a church-going boy? I was, like, forced to go to Catholic school when I was younger.
Wert thou ever punished in a very unusual way by a man? Well, a nun smashed my head against a blackboard. So I punched her in the face… when I was in 4th grade. And she was, like, horrified.
So thou wert a terrifying child? Yes. I was way worse than I am now.
Was the battle with that nun thy last one-on-one fight? Yeah. Pretty much. Actually, the group thing started in, like, 6th grade. I was chased by everyone in my class once. It was pretty fun.
Did it involve the word “gay”?
No. I punched one of the girls in the class in the face. The whole school was chasing me.
Thou dost not care if the person is male or female. No. They complain about equal rights.
I have no more topics.
Oh yeah, how come you have that stupid disclaimer on your fuckin’ thing, like, that’s the only thing, like, that’s the only thing that I got bummed out about. You make fun of everything and then you have that gay (he war- bles in mock wimpiness of me).
That was pretty gay of me, was it not? That’s the only mustache tendency I found in the fanzine. I think you should stand behind everything. We don’t have disclaimers.
Hast thou ever been sued? Yeah, I punched some girl in the face at one of our shows. I got thrown in jail and had to pay $1,200 in restitution.
Why didst thou punch her in the face? It could have been anyone. I was just drunk. Someone pushed me and I turned around and swung, with a mike in my hand. It turned out to be this woman with a huge bump on her face.
Was it a fat pig? Yeah.
Hast thou ever been with a fat girl? Well, you know that I drink a lot, right?
Yes. Well there you go.
Didst thou throw some modern art into it thy CD to make people give clueless interpretations of thy intentions? I have an art opening at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.
Not too many people know that thou leadth a double life, that thou art actually quite respected in the artistic community. Yeah, like, Andy Warhol personally gave me a beret once, and a cigarette holder, because he’s very respectful of my art.
And didst thou not accidentally burn the beret with a cigarette that is smoked exclusively in gay clubs? (with a lisp) I wath thmoking a thigarette at dith bar, and thum philly wath lighting my thigarette, and it juth went up. And I got a bit of my hair and my nailth methed up. It’s just too avante garde for words. I can’t even explain it.
What is the relationship with thee and Relapse? Um… well… What do you mean?
Thou knowst what I mean. Um… How do I know them, or somethin?
I was just trying to railroad thee. The only way I can badmouth them is by saying that just about every band on the label sucks. But, um, I get along with the guys at Relapse and stuff.
Even the Jewish guys? Oh, there’s no Hebe’s at that label.
I heard that there are. Really? Who?
Either Mat or Bill. Really? I don’t like ‘em anymore!
Didst thou get along with them until just now? Yeah. I mean, I used to like them ‘til now. Now that I found out that they’re fuckin’ Jews, forget it!
Well, I have run out of questions that thou could give one-word answers to. I’m boring. You know? What can you expect?
Move over, I have to interview Cradle of Filth. What will you be having, quiche, or something?
Interview with Seth Putnam conducted by Bill Zebub for issue #10 of “The Grimoire of Exalted Deeds” magazine
This interview was conducted during a time when metal people were not brainwashed by the fascist politically correct agenda. Metalheads were not afraid to say what they wanted to say, whether it was honest communication, or words that were meant to irritate. Seth Putnam was a master of angering people. It has never been confirmed if he was saying and doing things for shock, or if he actually meant what he said. As with all interviews, bear in mind that the chat is with an entertainer who knows that he is being recorded for the purpose of being read by the public. This was not a private conversation, although there are moments that can be considered to be abn aside here and there. But at the time of this interview, Bill Zebub published every word that was said, even in some cases when people said “Don’t print this.”
Hopefully you will enjoy this legendary interview. If you become angry, then it is because you chose to become angry. Or your brainwashing has resulted in a reaction without thinking. Please switch to a more stupid entertainment scene like rap or hardcore.
What’s the matter? You don’t sound happy to talk to me.
I’m just totally drunk. Did you get the new album?
Yeah, I was mad that there was no song about the Grimoire in here.
I only write negative stuff, and the Grimoire is one of the few magazines that I like.
On stage, didst thou ever have the crowd perform a group Zieg Heil to thee?
Wert thou in an SS uniform?
I wish I was.
I wish I was.
So how did that go over?
We’ve done songs by racist bands live a million times and it has always been well received by the crowd. Are you familiar with the band Vaginal Jesus?
I’ll send you a copy. Actually they’ve been around since like 1988. They make Screwdriver sound like the most unracist band ever. We do Vaginal Jesus covers a lot. You know how oi bands are racist bands… sort of like cover up things… Vaginal Jesus is completely blatant like , I hate niggers, or I hate Jews. So we do those covers a lot. People know that we’re friends with Vaginal Jesus, and when we do those songs everyone is totally psyched.
People say in the same breath that when they see thee Zieg Heil…
While thou art trying to make people Zieg Heil…
Can you talk in normal English? Can you talk in American? You can write it later in like gay pompous English.
No, I’ll do you a favor since I do it to Swedish assholes because they can’t understand me either. While you’re making people Zieg heil you…
We don’t make them do it. They just do it by themselves.
Are you sure?
Yeah. I don’t force anyone to do it. But when people do it I’m psyched. I don’t stop them from doing it. I’ll do it as an example and people will keep doing it, but I’m not against other people doing it and I’ve never frowned on other people doing it. Actually I encourage it and try to get them to do it some more.
There’s a cute cartoon of Hitler with a punk near him with a thumbs up, showing that he’s cool, and Hitler looks really proud that a young punk enjoys him.
On our new CD?
Yeah. People don’t understand this because they say to me, “Why does Seth make fun of Jews when he is one himself?”
I’m not a Jew. I’m half English and half Irish.
But they say that Putnam is highly Jewish.
Actually Seth is kind of a Jewish name. Putnam is kind of an old English name.
Funny you have an old English name but you can’t understand Olde English.
Because why would I care about that when it has nothing to do with that anymore?
Are you positive you’re not just trying to hide your Jewish identity?
No! I’m not a fuckin’ Jew!
Because that’s what Jews do, you know.
No. I’m not a fuckin’ Jew pretending that I’m Italian or something like that. I look like an Irish person.
Well you drink like an Irish person. You’re fulfilling that stereotype.
Basically I’m.. If you really want to know my ethnic background… I’m a quarter Irish and a Quarter English. My father’s side of the Family was English and they came here in 1630. And my mother’s side of the family… There was a potato famine.
Are they Irish Jews?
No. We all hate Jews. My mother hates Jews. My father hates Jews. Well actually my father’s job is deporting people actually. I’m not even trying to be funny.
Do people cry when he tells them “Get out?”
He tells me all these hilarious stories like people pretending they can’t speak English and he goes, “Oh, I’m going to deport you” and they all of a sudden know how to speak English. Me and my father don’t get along that well, not because of those reasons but… But I think that it’s totally cool that he deports people and he volunteered to be in Vietnam and everyone was avoiding the draft. He reenlisted like three times because he’s all into killing people.
I’m glad that I’m interviewing you because, out of all the bands I’ve interviewed, no one has ever produced as much mail as an Anal Cunt interview.
You promised me you’d send me magazines and you haven’t, you fuckin’ Jew. What does it cost? Like fifty cents? You kike! I haven’t gotten a new Grimoire in a while, you raging Jew! When people ask me how much racist I am, I’m not gonna back down.
I enjoy the fact that you magically seem to find the worst thing to say.
I don’t know if I told you in person, but I think Grimoire is the only magazine worth reading since Kick Ass in the early ‘80’s. Every other fanzine is gay. Everyone cares about things. Anyone who cares about anything is fucking gay faggot. You know I’m married now?
I’ve been married for almost a year.
Do you treat her like shit?
She thinks about 99.9% about the same way that I do.
Really? So she believes that she should pay your way?
She’s a total fuckin’ cunt. She, like, hates everyone.
Do you use her credit card to finance your tours?
No because she doesn’t have one.
Is she as fat as you are?
She is basically a female version of me. Actually she’s not fat. This is a nonfat female version of me.
I heard that there’s this girl Kim Goss who wanted to get all the tattoos that you have, or a tattoo of you, or something like that.
She got my name tattooed.
What did you do to her that made her so enamored of you?
Did she want to play keyboards for Anal Cunt?
I was going through this really bad period where I tried to fuck over girls really bad. We still get along on the phone and stuff like that. But she’s like totally in love with me. She got her name tattooed on my arm… on her arm.
She had her arm tattooed on her name?
No, she had her… my name tattooed on our arm. It’s so gay-looking. It’s the A.C. logo, it says “Seth” and a microphone with a mike cord coming off it. It’s really terrible-looking.
Now why would a racist like you go out with a gook?
Because I hated her.
Oh I get it.
Basically I was coming off this really long term relationship. I was going out with someone I really liked. And basically I just tried to like fuck over every girl on the planet because I was anti-woman.
Did she steal any of your equipment?
No. It’s like a regular guy thing… I tried to put my sensitive side… No, I went out with a girl for a couple of years and I was really pissed. I got all these girls to love me and then I just fucked them over.
Did she smell down there?
No, not really?
You don’t fulfill your husbandry duties?
My wife or the other girl?
The other girl.
She didn’t really smell bad. Actually Kim Goss gives really good blowjobs, for any guys who…
I heard that you carried around a Lysol spray can and you always used to spray her groin just to publicly humiliate her.
That’s a good idea. I wish I did. I didn’t do it though. I haven’t seen her in like four years.
Your reputation precedes you. I guess that was just an Internet rumor. Any other rumors.
There’s so many I don’t even know about.
There was a guy in a wheelchair who came up to one of your shows, and his history is, he had leukemia…
(Seth starts laughing)
He beat it… but when he has a spinal tap it paralyzed him.
He knows everything there is to know about Anal Cunt. I actually wanted him to do this interview, but I didn’t think it would have the same shock value.
You’re asking really boring questions, by the way. Especially with the new subject matter I expected… one thing I wanted to credit you on was the best interview you ever did was that Italian black metal band and asked what the difference is between a Jewish nose… I was showing my wife this and like, this is the only good magazine. She thought it was the funniest thing ever because we hate Jews. You can print that.
Well anyway, this guy in a wheelchair was talking to you. You were cool with him, he was cool with you. Then you got up on stage and made fun of him for being a cripple. You actually pointed him out and everything.
He’s a cripple. What am I gonna say? Oh, it’s really cool the way your pants fit. What else am I gonna say about him? Like, it’s great the way you can talk? You know? He’s a fuckin’ crip. You know that cover that we do of Elton John? I’m Still Standing? It’s goin’ out to that kid in the wheelchair. We’ve done that a million times for people who are crippled.
Did you get beaten up at that show?
Did you beat anyone up at that show?
Yeah, I had a fight with my drummer. I don’t even remember. I was so fuckin’ demolished. I had no fuckin’ idea what happened.
I remember we were at a bar. We arm wrestled. I beat you.
I couldn’t even speak. I was so fuckin’ out of it.
But the thing is, I beat you and then you punched me in the stomach full force. So I guess that’s not an act.
Dude, if I wasn’t like totally drunk I’d beat you.
Have you ever thought about going to therapy for your alcohol problem?
Why? Like, there’s no reason. I have a whole life of boredom. I’d rather have a whole life of being a fuck up than like going to AA meetings 7 days a week. Why bother? It’s gay. I’d rather, like, be arrested every day and be an asshole. I can take care of myself.
You left a path of destruction. One of the guys from Grief is toothless because of you.
That was funny. Actually the funny thing is, before that happened I was very good friends with him. He had… like his teeth were all fucked up and he was like, “I can’t even eat corn on the cobb. My teeth are all fucked up. I wish that I got fake teeth.” And then when I knocked out his teeth he started crying about it. What the fuck? What a pussy. He had the worst teeth. A guy from England couldn’t have had worst teeth than that guy.
Speaking of which, I think Lee Barret sold his record label because of his alcohol problem.
The guy from Extreme Noise Terror who was on tour with you.
That guy is gay, man.
Is he highly gay or just a little bit gay?
He’s a run of the mill gay. How can anyone have an alcohol problem? Dude, I’ve been like a completely savage alcoholic for like ten thousand years and it doesn’t mean anything. It’s… like I’ve done every drug on the planet for months at a time.
You’re a garbage pail.
What’s that mean?
You do every drug there is.
Obviously. Do you have any? Do you know where I can get some coke right now?
No, but I know where you can get some insulin, though.
Man, shut up.
Ever do that?
Everyone kind of hates you. But then there are people who really hate you. I want to know about those people.
Tell me who really hates me.
I want you to tell me.
Stop being gay. Tell me who really hates me.
Alright… Tell me who hates me. Stop being a Jewish gay.
You know what I think would be great? If you, me, and some other assholes did a new fanzine.
Why don’t we do it then? I used to write for fanzines in the early ‘80’s. Why don’t we start our own fanzine then?
I was at a horror convention and King Fowley was there. First he made fun of me and wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise, telling me how much my mag sucks and I’m a sellout and stuff like that and he was threatening to kick my ass and blah blah blah. But then he said that he should write for me because the people who write for me are lame. To prove it he started yelling in the hotel lobby, “I’m a nigger killer. I kill niggers!”
No he didn’t. He’s just a poser.
He did it.
No, he wouldn’t do that.
He did. I was there. Then I left to get him a Grimoire t-shirt because he’s cool.
How come I don’t have one?
What’s your size? XXXXL?
Is it black or white?
Ok… XL. Yeah right. You’re all blah blah blah. You never send me anything, you fucking Jew.
He’s a Jew?
Bagel Bub. Bagel Giant.
Well anyway, I went out, and when I came back and I guess some people confronted him about it and before I knew it, police led him away. I was just wondering what you thought of that.
About King Fowley being led away for threatening all the lives of black people in the hotel.
I wish he’d killed the black people.
What do you think of him on an asshole-appreciation level?
All my encounters with King Fowley… he’s been really cool. I have nothing bad to say about him. I think his band sucks. But every time I’ve met him he’s been really cool.
Do you think that if we did a fanzine he’d be our equivalent in asshole level?
I don’t know. I meet him like once every six years. I think if me and you do a fuckin’ fanzine it would be, like, the worst! It would be beyond awful.
I wanted to do one a while ago with all the assholes I knew.
I hope I was involved in the assholes being picked for the project.
I don’t think I knew you back then. I knew of you. There was this guy Mike Campbell from Sepulchral Voice. He had a cartoon of Bobo the Fag-Bashing Clown. Well, the asshole idea was for us all to be anonymous because we are pretty ballsy normally. Imagine what we would be like if we didn’t have to face people.
No. If I call someone a nigger or a Jew or a faggot, I want to have my name behind it.
Yeah, you’re not afraid of having an entire club come after you. When was the last time that happened?
Never. Every time I like challenge someone no one wants to do anything.
Can you name any popular dude who has a really big problem with you?
Not that I know of. But I hope Chris Barnes does, and then I want to fight him immediately. It’s an open invitation. Actually, that song “Chris Barnes is a Pussy” on the record is an open invitation for him to fight me any time he wants to.
The funny thing is, Metal Blade… when they had a really gay publicist… oh wait. They never had that kind of status. Well anyway, a supergay publicist called me to interview Six Feet Under because they paid for an ad. Then I got a call on the day of the interview and the homo said that Chris Barnes refused to do the interview.
He’s a fuckin’ gay fag. That’s why.
Is it because he has dreadlocks?
It’s because he’s a gay homosexual faggot, and he’s also gay.
Is there any truth to the rumor that Eric Clapton is suing you?
We wrote a song originally called… what the fuck was it called. (Very long pause in which Seth kept screaming “fuck”) Basically it was about Eric Clapton’s kid committing suicide because he sucks. It’s something about that. It’s about his kid committing suicide because Eric Clapton is the worst song writer on the planet. I can’t remember the actual song title because I’m really drunk. Shit! What the fuck was it called? Eric Clapton… blah blah blah.
I was wondering if Eric Clapton actually threatened the label or is Dig a pussy?
It’s just the label worried that they would get sued. If he found out, Eric Clapton’s lawyers would cripple Earache so bad.
Like that guy who was at your show?
See, with “Easy E Got AIDS From Freddy Mercury” they’re worried about whoever owns the rights to them.
I don’t even know what that is. Easy E… Is that a workout machine?
It’s some nigger from NWA. All the songs they thought they’d get in trouble for… They shortened the names.
Have you ever wondered how far the mercury rises in Freddy Mercury’s thermometer?
(Sarcastically) That’s funny.
Eric Clapton couldn’t possibly find out. What do you usually sell? Like 6,000 copies? Or is it more because it’s mandatory for every Jew to have a copy?
I think the name of the song is “Eric Clapton’s Kid Committed Suicide Because His Father Sucks.” What was the question?
Getting back to you hiding your Jewish identity…
I’m not a fuckin’ Jew. I hate Jews, and you can quote that.
Don’t Jews try to mongrelize everybody. Aren’t you trying to mongrelize with the other fat dirtbags in death metal?
I’m not gonna deny being a fat slob. But I hate Jews, and I have nothing to do with being Jewish?
Isn’t that what Jews said when German soldiers went into their houses and asked, “Are you a Jew?”
That’s hilarious. I’m glad that happened. Did you hear the stories about me stealing stuff from concentration camps? I was at two concentration camps and I stole…
Were you trying to save a little bit of your ancestors?
Shut up you fuckin’ faggot! I stole some ash from the oven.
Was it your uncle’s ashes?
No! I’m not a fuckin’ hebe!
Are you sure?
No! You can quote me. I’m not a fuckin’ Jew!
Do you have the hebe jebees?
Why do you think I’m a fuckin’ Jew?
Everyone’s telling me that you are. I’m just trying to be nice.
Whoever says that I want to fight them.
It was that cripple. His name is Rob. He’s going to review your album.
I’m going to step on his face.
What is your most Jewish feature, if you were a Jew, though? Like, physically? I don’t think I have one.
Isn’t there a manual on how to discover Jews?
How about this… don’t you think that Mortiis looks like a Jewish Vulcan?
Well, Mr. Spock… that actor.. what was his name?
Donald Trump or some… ah… Leonard Lemoy.
Yeah… he’s Jewish. As a matter of fact that live long and prosper thing is a Jewish thing… that’s a Jewish hand sign.
So are you a fuckin’ Jew?
Me? Why? Did you hear that I was?
I’m not a fuckin’ Jew either so shut the fuck up.
Unless someone forced a conversion on me. Hey, did you know that there’s a nigger Klingon now?
I thought that Star Trek is so gay that I never really watch it. I think my wife’s friend’s father was outside my house and saying, “Voyager? What the fuck is this? There’s a fuckin’ nigger and a woman.. I’m getting tired of this! It’s so unrealistic!”
They’re trying to show that in this century niggers are not equal in intelligence to mankind, but like in the 25th century or wherever Star Trek is in gayland…
They’ll be all smart by then.
Yeah, they’re like Vulcans… you know… like superior.
Is there ever going to be a song called “Being Jewish is Gay?” Or would that offend your family?
Have you read the lyrics to “Being Ignorant is Awesome?”
Why don’t you read them? Do you have them?
Alright. Track 33. Let’s see what they have to say… “I like to laugh at retards. I like to laugh at cripples. I like to make fun of gays. I like to beat women. I like assuming black people stole something. I like assuming Jews jerk off to photos of banks. I like assuming Chinese people can’t drive.” Wow! That’s pretty good!
It’s pretty obvious you didn’t brush up.
Yeah. I try not to know anything about the new album when I interview somebody.
Yeah, I was really hoping for all these curtive comments about racism. I was ready to back up my racism.
Isn’t there a song about Dig that Earache totally censored the lyrics of?
Body By Auschwitz? It’s basically about a fat guy who can’t lose weight so he goes to a concentration camp. It looked like Dig.. a big fat balding fat fucking pig. You hoard calories like Dig hoards cash. He can’t have something so brutally honest about him on his own album. That’s the only gay thing he’s… I say stuff in some other song… like some woman-beating lyrics, and they were censored.
Isn’t it true that the only reason Anal Cunt is on Earache because Jews stick together, and Dig, the grandfather Jew, wanted you to have some sort of foot hold on music to mongrelize?
It has nothing to do with kikes.
Not that I know of. Dig is a raging Jew. I don’t know. It has nothing to do with that.
Did you ever pinch a girl’s ass?
Dude, why don’t you ask me like another boring question?
I was just wondering if you ever pinched a girl’s ass.
Did you think it was a penny?
You’re, like, totally boring. Your fanzine is going way down the hill, I expected way better questions than this.
What do you think of stereotypical Jews? Have you ever encountered one?
Obviously! They’re fucking, like, Jews! I hate them and I don’t like anything about them. What the fuck? What are you trying to write about?
I just want to know.
Give me, like, the description.
If someone beat you up in such a humiliating manner where, like, the guy slammed you into the ground and you were on your stomach the whole time.. on the ground face-first as he’s pummeling your body and you were in a choke-hold when bouncers broke it up, would you tell everyone afterward, even though there’s 20 witnesses, that you were the one who came out on top?
I guess you’re not a stereotypical Jew. Is it easy to tell if a person is a Jew by a flaw n their genes that makes them cross-eyed?
I know that a couple of them are fish-eyed. The eyes are totally bulging out. But I’m not really sure about the cross-eyed thing.
Do you think that a stereotypical Jew is somebody who worked for Relativity Records and then when they decided not to carry metal anymore and threw 10,000 Cd’s in the dumpster…
Dude, you are asking me the most boring questions! You ask the most PC-ish questions, like “What if a guy maybe bought a bagel once with three mazza balls in his hands?” Dude, I’m like totally willing to be extremely racist and answer every question. I was like totally psyched for this interview until fuckin you’re acting like everyone else. I was totally ready to do a good interview and now you’re a totally faggot gay. You’re not interviewing some fuckin’ gay. You’re interviewing the worst person possible who’ll agree with anything you can think of. Do you have any drugs, by the way?
Yeah. Like, do you know how to get any?
Well you’re in the drug capital right now.
Do you know a place to get any, like right now?
Ask John Paris.
No, they don’t know anything.
Oh no, that’s sex change drugs. I’m sorry. How about Jorge? He’s, like, down.
No. Maybe ask Tom Pasquale.
Yeah. He’s a garbage pail too.
You don’t know a place to get any, do you?
Other than Pasquale? No. He’s like a dealer.
Alright. Let’s get this interview over. Stop asking gay questions. I’m still pissed, dude. I expected, finally, a good interview and you’re acting like fuckin’ a…
We’re getting there. I’m just feeling you out.
You’re asking questions for like a first grade magazine. I’m pissed.
I like when you have that gay voice. And I like when you do the falsetto thing, like in Gloves of Metal. Are you going to do more of that? I’m totally pretending that you’re actually an artist. Are you going to more of that?
It depends on how the songs go and if I think they need to have them in them. It depends what songs.
What do you think of bi-racial relationships?
I’m sorry. You had one with Kim Goss. How about with the dark folk.
I never had one of those.
I hate niggers.
To the point where you won’t even smell one?
No. You can print that.
That will be big thing… niggers. When’s the last time you talked to Kim Goss anyway?
I never talked to her.
Alright. Where did you hear that from?
I can’t reveal the dirt hounds.
Shut up you fag! I told you I hate niggers and let you print that in your magazine. That is like the most incriminating thing you’ve ever had in your magazine and you won’t give me an answer?
You’re the star. I’m just the interviewer.
Oh shut up you fag.
I don’t mean anything to the world.
Yes you do. Everyone’s waiting for you to fuckin’ get the worst out of everyone. Finally, I gave you a quote that no one’s ever given you. You can at least tell me who told you who that gook cunt…
No! If I reveal the dirt hounds then they’ll stop barking!
Ok. I won’t give you any more answers then. This is a fuckin’ gay interview.
I didn’t hear this from anybody, but… actually I did. The parental advisory stickers… I heard that you wanted to change them to “parental adversary.”
I had nothing to do with it.
Do you know who Reverend Al Sharpton is?
Yeah, some big fat nigger.
Doesn’t he look like Oprah?
I’m already familiar with what he looks like.
Let’s talk about some of your song titles because they in themselves are incredible… much more incredible than any question I can think of. Tell me what was going on when you wrote “I Became a Counselor So That I Could Tell Rape Victims They Asked For It?”
Because women are stupid cunts and I hate them and we thought it would be funny. We just played a show in like Syracuse and we did “Women: Nature’s Punching Bag” and they got all upset. So we wanted to do a song that was worse than that. We wrote that on the way home.
How about “I Sent Concentration Camp Footage To America’s Funniest Home Videos?”
We thought that was funny. I wish I did.
Why do you love the band Rancid so much? I don’t even know who they are.
Dude, we have an anti-Rancid song.
No you don’t. You glorify Rancid. I think the song glorifies them.
No it doesn’t. If you read the lyrics, it makes fun of them.
Ok, let’s read the lyrics. “Ska is gay. Reggae is gay. You’re fucking gay, and you’re not punk. You say you hate corporations but you were on NBC. London’s calling and it’s calling you gay.” So why are you judging who’s punk and who’s not punk? Are you a punk?
No, I don’t care about punk. I just don’t like Rancid.
“I Pushed Your Wife in Front of a Subway.”
That’s like a funny fantasy kind of a song.
“Extreme Noise Terror Are Afraid of Us” Is that because of Lee Barret?
No, it’s because we were supposed to go on tour with them and, once they found out we’re on the tour, they had us kicked off. They wouldn’t give us any explanation why they didn’t want us on the tour. We were supposed to tour Europe with them like two years ago. It was like, TNT, us, and EyeHateMonkey.
Is that like an anti-black band?
No… Iron Monkey… that total rip off of EyeHateGod. Once they found out we were on the tour, because I made fun of them so much, they didn’t want us on the tour so we got kicked off. They’re so popular that they used their popular-muscles I guess. So that was our reaction song to us getting kicked off the tour.
“I Sent a Thank You Card To the Guy Who Raped You.”
That’s just an idea that I thought was funny.
“I Lit Your Baby On Fire”.
Another idea I thought that was funny.
“I Intentionally Ran Over Your Dog”. “Women: Nature’s Punching Bag.”
We all hate women.
You hate women? Are you a male gogo dancer?
“I snuck a Retard Into A Sperm Bank”.
What about it?
Wouldn’t it be funny if you snuck a retard into a sperm whale?
Yeah, it would be funny.
“I Ate Your Horse.”
That song sucks.
“Hitler Was A Sensitive Man.”
It’s a true story. Read the lyrics.
You’ve compelled me to read the lyrics. “He went to art school when he was younger.”
“He wanted to be a painter. Hitler was a vegetarian. He was also a non smoker.” So what are you trying to say here about politically correct people?
I wrote a song about Hitler that’s all true so they can’t get mad at us. I wrote a song to piss everyone off, and they can’t get pissed off because everything we wrote about is all true.
“He hired gay and handicapped officers. He was concerned about overpopulation. If Hitler were alive today he’d listen to The Cure, The Smiths, and Depeche Mode.” Dude, that is brilliant. You ever think about doing stand up comedy?
Yes. I thought about it for like 20 years.
You have to do it.
Read the lyrics. That’s my stand up comedy.
Dude, you have to do Anal Cunt Unplugged on MTV.
Those lyrics are basically stand up comedy.
“You Robbed A Sperm Bank Because You’re a Cum-Guzzling Fag.” Do you think that a fag could tell the difference between normal sperm and retard sperm?
They’re gay. They don’t know.
“I Made Your Kid Get AIDS SO You Could Watch It Die”. The lyrics have to be read. “A few years ago I snuck Freddy Mercury into your room. I gave him anesthesia so he wouldn’t remember getting raped. You spent your life savings putting your kid through college. Then he died of AIDS so you wasted your money for nothing. You thought your son was on a diet so you didn’t worry much. At the funeral I told you what happened and I laughed at you. I didn’t think you suffered enough so I shot your wife in front of you.” This is the issue that will end the Grimoire.
You sound like really held back. You’re not your usual self.
“Into the Oven.” Was that like Mercyful Fate’s “Into the Coven?”
No, that’s about Thanksgiving.
Do you think King Diamond’s cool?
I like three songs by him but I think his voice is gay and I hate Mercyful Fate. I like one song form the EP and two songs from the first album.
Are you going to do covers of them?
“I Gave MAMBLA Pictures of Your Kid.” “The Only Reason Why Men Talk To You Is Because They Want To Get Laid You Stupid Fuckin’ Cunts.” “I Made Fun Of You Because Your Kid Just Died.” “Domestic Violence Is Really Really Really Funny”. “Dictators Are Cool.” Who’s David Buskin?
That’s a really popular songwriter.
Do you sing in falsetto or a gay voice on that song?
“You’re Pregnant So I Kicked You In the Stomach.” “Tim is Gay.”
That’s our old drummer.
You have a problem with drummers, don’t you?
What can you do?
“I Sold Your Dog to a Chinese Restaurant.” “AC/BT” Is that about Brutal Truth?
We’re just making fun of them like really badly.
Do you think Rich from Brutal Truth is highly gay?
He’s not gay. He’s a shitty drummer.
Do you think you can beat him up?
I get along with him. But I think Scott Lewis is a thousand times better.
Did you ever arm wrestle with him?
No. I want to wrestle you like totally sober some day. I’ll totally beat you.
Yeah? Will you punch me afterwards anyway because it’s like the normal thing to do?
Ah sure. Right now? Like, where are you?
No, I’m not in a physical position to do things with you right now.
What time is it anyway?
Oh fuck! I’m going to miss the bus!
How about your last song… “I Got an Office Job For the Sole Purpose of Sexually Harassing Women?”
What about it?
I don’t think you need an office job just to do that.
That’s just for a song, you know? I mean, all the bands you fuckin’ write about… all like famously gay death metal things… they’re all like skinny 16-year-old kids singing about how they’re going to kill someone. They’re all a bunch of pussies anyway. Who’s gonna write about something they’re actually gonna do?
What kind of music do you listen to?
The only thing I really like is like pre ‘84-’85 hardcore and death metal, and pop music. Bands like Hellhammer, Bathory, Sodom, Venom, and Village People, Culture Club and shit like that.
How long are you staying in New York?
Like an hour or two.
Wow. That’s so cute.
Aw. You wanna hang out for an hour or something? Do you have any drugs?
You want me to give you Tom Pasquale’s phone number?
I already have it. He hasn’t called me back.
That’s unusual. He’s usually calling everybody like 50 times in a minute. It’s like he has the Harassment Speed Dial.
Everyone hates him. No one wants to deal with him. This is the one time I actually tried to call him.
When he calls you and babbles for an hour…
(Imitating tom) “So anyway I was breathing oxygen today….”
How do you control the phone call with him?
I’ve avoided talking to him for like 2-3 years. He used to be really bad… (Imitating him again) “So I was putting really nice pants on today…. blah blah blah.”
Did he ever go to Norway and throw your name around just so he could hang out with bands?
Why would he?
I heard that Norwegians really respect Anal Cunt.
Where did you hear that?
You know not to ask that question.
You’re making shit up.
I guess he was throwing someone else’s name around, like Raychele.
I don’t care. I actually hope everyone hates us.
He might be another person to have in our asshole club, but he’s too…
Too industry insider, and he if he’s friends with someone he won’t bag on them.
As opposed to you who enjoys badmouthing everything possible.
I’ll badmouth my best friend, dude. That guy’s a gay fag Jew.
Did you and Tom ever share a hotel room?
No. He stayed at my house before.
He stayed at your house? Did he talk to your parents?
No. I don’t live with my parents.
Because I’m not, like, ten.
You’re breaking the stereotype of a person of your particular personality. Everyone thought you lived at home.
I lived on my own for ten years.
Why? Did you call your mother a whore or something and she threw you out?
No. Because I have a job.
You didn’t kick her in the stomach when she was pregnant with your little sister?
I might have called her a cunt. I’m like 31. I’m not gonna live with my parents.
Did you pick her up by the asshole and cunt, like a bowling ball?
Did you write a song about her?
No, but I called everyone else a Jew and a cunt.
If you were a Jew, would you reveal it?
Yeah. I’m not a fuckin’ Jew.
But if it was somehow proven that you were, would that be the end of Anal Cunt?
It would never be proven because it’s totally untrue.
Even under torture you would maintain that lie?
I’d rather be tortured than admit to being a Jew.
(I hear a call-waiting beep). Hold on. (I click over). Master Zebub speaking.
(I didn’t succeed, and Seth pretends to be someone else in a gay voice). Hi. I’m Jewish.
I’d rather be tortured for life than admit to being a Jew.
Can you recite anything from the Talmud for me?
You know. The book in your father’s house.
You know what I’m talking about.
“How To Kill Jews?” That fuckin’ book? What are you calling me a fuckin’ Jew for? You wanna be punched in the head or something? You want me to come to your house with an axe?
No. My mother would tell you to get out.
You’re older than me.
You think so?
Like 32 or something?
I remember you’re, like, my age, but about a year older, or something like that.
I better change my birthday.
I know you have some weird name like Apladuduh… some weird Hungarian name.
This interview is about you. We have to talk about you.
Oh, OK. So how old are you, Bill, William supposedly.
Do you think that the fact that you haven’t been targeted by any of these PC groups is because you’re not popular enough?
If I get targeted, I don’t care. I’d tell them… Well, what would we get targeted for?
Let’s see… What have we talked about the last hour?
Nobody knows who we are. We’re nobodies. We sell, like, ten copies of each CD.
Did anyone in the office tell you that you were in a jukebox?
We’ve been in jukeboxes in various bars. No big deal. You’re asking all these boring questions. It’s, like, so un-Grimoire. I was expecting a challenge, and I get, like, a boring Jewish opera.
I can’t. I was only told yesterday that I would be interviewing you today. There’s nothing that you are sensitive about other than me knowing that you are really a Jew.
I’m not a fuckin’ hebe.
(The phone beeps again). Hold on. (I click over) Grimoire.
(Seth talks in a gay voice) Hi. I’m a Jew.
Fag! Someone’s calling. Hold on. (I click) Grimoire.
(Seth talks in a Scottish accent). Hi. I want a bagel. Oi!
(I click again). Grimoire.
(Seth talks again). Do you have any locks?
Dude, are you making my phone beep?
See? You’re a Jew. Every time you answer it, you try to avoid it. I should write a new fanzine, taking you out. You’re too fuckin’ afraid to ask me questions like you ask everyone else questions.
You’re not afraid of anything other than people knowing what your heritage is.
I’m not afraid of anything. I’m not a fuckin’ Jew!
Just admit it.
Why would I admit something I’m not?
You’re afraid that your whole image would shatter.
It’s so un-you, dude. You used to ask fuckin’ cool questions, and asking questions that doesn’t exist is so fuckin’ boring. You’re fanzine’s over, dude. It’s so beat. I was so looking forward to this interview. You’re asking the most stupidest questions. You’re asking (imitates me in a gay voice) So, are you 12 years old? So tell me why you’re not 12. It’s fuckin’ stupid. You are over.
Yeah? So you and Fowley give the prophesy that I’m done?
According to the questions that I’ve been getting, yeah, it’s fuckin’ over. You usually ask good questions, man. My favorite thing was when you were asking that Italian band all those Jew references. I was like, finally, someone’s asking good questions. So you ask me stupid questions. (pause) What time is it?
I’m missing my bus. Normally, I wouldn’t mind, but I’m missing a bus because you’re asking me stupid questions. You gotta ask me a good question or I’ll punch you in the head the next time I see you.
I asked at least a couple of good questions.
No you didn’t.
Yes I did. Now can I be on your next album?
Because you write about people you think are gay.
We’re totally beyond that now. We write about Hitler and Nazis and killing Jews and stuff like that. We have a whole new scheme now, or whatever you wanna call it.
Are you able to grow facial hair?
Have you ever thought about growing a Hitler mustache?
I’ve done that before.
See? I must be psychic. Wasn’t that a good question?
It was boring. Like, who cares? I’ve done that a thousand times. It’s no big deal.
Did you draw the stupid cartoons in the album?
Your album is white!
Dude! What’s wrong with you? What the hell happened to you? You’re about as exciting as a 1915 comic or something. You’re totally fuckin’ over.
Everyone tells me things like that since I fell in love. Ever since I fell in love, I lost it.
(In a tender voice) Aww. You’re in love?
No. She has a fuckin’ kid. No bastard’s baby will inherit what’s mine (-ed. That is a quote from a King Diamond song).
I’m married, and I still hate everyone. What the fuck happened to you?
I am not in love, but that’s why people are assuming that I went soft.
Dude, how old are you, really?
I’m as old as you think that I am.
You’re so, like, unpassionate, and have, like, nothing exciting to say.
I’m content. I’ve got everything that I want. I’m not hungry anymore.
Maybe you should listen to “Stay Hungry” by Twisted Sister.
Are you going to send me photos, or are you gay?
Why? I don’t want to be in your fuckin’ magazine anymore. It’s fuckin’ gay. (He imitates me) So, what do you think about flowers? They bloom, you know. Your magazine is equivalent to Playgirl.
That’s a song title for the next album.
Dude, what happened to you? Are you just in a weird mood today? Or are you like this all the time now? I know people your age are like… How old are you, really?
No you’re not.
All right. I’m 26.
I know you’re, like, 32, or something like that.
I’m an enigma.
Dude, you’re old. See you later. It’s all gay. I have no respect for you anymore. (He hangs up the phone).
NOTE: There was more to this interview that might be included in the future. The printed magazine has it all. If you do not have it, suffice it to say that Bill Zebub was successful in making Seth Putnam angry – so angry that he hung up the phone.
A bit of insider knowledge here – Earache Records had Seth come to the NY office to conduct phone interviews. They intentionally bought him a bottle of whiskey to bring out the worst in him.
Bill Zebub was unable to determine if Seth really was angry, but at a later date, a fan of the Grimoire bought a stack of the magazine to a show. Seth threw a bar stool at his head and demanded that he tell his master to come
When Bill Zebub heard this, he called Seth to ask what the problem was. Seth complained that Bill Zebub kept telling everyone that Seth Putnam is Jewish. Bill explained that it was bis writer, Rob Noxious, who thought that it would be funny to make that a question in all of his interviews (DId you know that Seth Putnam is gay?).
Seth told Bill that he thought that Rob Noxious was an alias. Bill explained that there is no need for a fake name, and that Rob Noxious is the cripple who was referenced in the interview, who is a die=hard fan of Anal Cunt. Rob thought that Seth would find that funny.
After Seth heard this, he simply said, “Ok, everything is cool then.”