This interview with Slymentra Hymen was in issue #16
Since thou art a goddess, shall I be on my knees while I ask thee questions?
But of course. All inferior beings must be on their knees at all times, and that does include you.
My knees, although they are in pain, will be healed by the succor of they beauty.
(Laughs) That is right.
Thou hast coined the phrase “Abandon all hope, ye who enter her.”
That’s right. That’s what’s written over the gates of Hell. Dante wrote about me years ago.
All great works, intentionally mistranslated. Could it be that if the story were revealed to be about thy gates, that the meaning of the tale would be lost?
(Laughs) That is correct.
Other life forms have evolved lures that captivate prey.
Pheromones taking over the male body, forcing them to do things that they are unwilling to participate in.
Was thy body always of that form, or hast thou created such exquisite curves in order to trap men?
That is very interesting. You are finally understanding my plot!
I would like to by thy first disciple.
(Laughs) Oh really? How young are you?
I cannot reveal my age.
Then you will have to go to the back of the line!
I have a youthful body, my goddess, but no one can tell the age from my face.
Do you have little boy muscles near the groin?
I have often heard the adjective “little.”
(Laughs) Well, it will be even littler around me because I will chop it off.
Dost thou not think that thy manner hurts the female humans of this planet?
I think there are lots of problems on both parties.
Thou art not the first alien in GWAR. I was led to believe that thou wert the first human was absorbed into GWAR as a unit, not as a race.
I’m not a human. I am from the planet Clitosphere (spelling?).
Forgive me for my lack of knowledge.
That’s OK. My great mother was punished by her masters. They stole her first child and banished me to this insignificant planet. They were going to force me to sleep with the Scumdogs to create yet a more powerful warrior ever seen in the galaxy. I wouldn’t give in, thus the Scumdogs were forced to sleep with the apes, and thus your race was born.
Thou hast been quoted saying that we breed like roaches.
That’s right. The poisons that they put into the food don’t even help. It takes fifty years to kill you off with cancer and things.
Why is thy form so close to human then. Forgive me, for no human has thy perfection.
(Laughs) Well, you know… (laughs) Let’s see. How can I answer this one? I am not as glib as you, as glib as thee.
It is thy magnificence that moves my tongue. I am usually an obtuse man. How couldst thou reconcile the fact that beauty such as thine harbors an evil intellect?
It is this planet that has made me this way. Before, when I lived on my planet, all I did was worship others as myself, and read literature, and study the great arts, but here, I’ve had to learn and understand the art of war.
Were there any masterpieces that have long since been robbed of any connection to thee?
Oh yes, of course. All the great masters have painted me. Have you seen the painting Olympia, by Manet?
I have not.
Well that’s me. Have you seen Nike, from the Greek era? That’s me. There have been great statues made of me when I take the form of the great snake goddess.
I have heard that thou has appeared in front of crowds as the snake goddess ans sang to very unusual rhythms.
That’s right. It was very cool to pull that off in front of a GWAR audience, as moronic as they may be.
Yes, I have often felt that thy grace is lost on those who see thee only as a woman.
Only as a tit or an ass. It depends on what level of consciousness they have. Some people you just cannot teach.
Anyone can be drunk on a bottle of wine, butt for someone to appreciate fine wine, all its components and textures, that is another man.
Thy fans are also of this diversity. Few know of the subtlety of Slymenstra.
You, my friend, have figured it out. you make me very happy.
Art thou merciful to such as I?
I never thought that any man would truly understand me.
My intention is to make thee known to all in thy true form, and not as common wine.
You will be my humble slave.
I will do all that you ask.
Thy voice is give a spotlight in the song “My Girly Ways.” Is it a privilege to sing an entire song thyself in GWAR?
It was a ten year struggle, but finally I was finally able to make it happen. I wrote all the lyrics myself, and the melodies. The way that it worked was, they sent me a tape out here in Hollywood – because I’m a big star – I live out here. I basically just showed up in a studio and I did it.
The operatic parts have caused my ribcage to resonate to thy voice. Wert thou trained?
I was trained vocally in the fifth and sixth and seventh grade, so that was the last vocal training I had. As all great women of my planet, we were cultured artistically. We went to many classes. We studied piano, voice, dance – all the great arts – drawing, painting. That’s what my parents were into, and it reflects now. I’ve been singing for years. I just love it. I usually sing in the shower, and people try to record what I am singing.
I certain there is another reason for them to sneak upon thee.
(laughs) They love to see the water barreling down my fruitful breasts and down my buttocks. And they love to see me rub almond oil all over my body to make my skin supple.
I must beg thee to desist, or I will lost consciousness.
Hast thou ever experienced astral sex? Thou art a goddess, and the question is silly of me to ask.
Astral projection is something that I practice daily. I love leaving my body.
How could someone abandon such a vessel?
(Laughs) Well, when you come back to it, it’s no problem.
When thou first had left thy body, was it unplanned, or were you knowledgeable in the practice?
It was unplanned. It was natural. It is natural. It is natural for all of us. Unfortunately, through eating junk food and watching Jerry Springer, we’ve ruined our minds and closed off certain parts of our brain.
Wouldst thou say that most males are inept at pleasuring women?
Most are, but I believe there is hope, ladies. There are a few. I think they’re going extinct. You must help them. You must lead them. You must teach them.
There was a plot that was foiled. Leaving the earth.
Yes. Again we fail. That is because Oderus Urungus is always in charge. He thinks he knows. He’s gonna make the plan. He’s the big general. (Sighs). How many times can we make the same mistake?
I have been told that they sales of albums were never eyebrow-raising, but the sale of merchandise on tour is phenomenal.
Thy voice is like the call of the sirens. I am compelled to jump into the sea and to die.
Matador beach? It’s this cliffy beach with rocks sticking out where I go to get a little mermaid action.
That’s where I will go to crush my body upon those rocks, the way thy absence crushes my heart.
I just love you.
Time grows short for us. I would rather leave wanting more of thee, than thee wanting nothing more of me.
Come and see me at a show, and introduce yourself to me. I want to meet you.
I shall do this.