Barbarian Queen/Amazons Double Feature

When I was a teen, I saw BARBARIAN QUEEN for the first time on VHS. I was heavily into Dungeons & Dragons, so any movie that remotely had to do with Medieval fantasy was either rented or purchased. In this case, I rented it, because in those days, new tapes cost $80.

Being that young made me forgive a lot of cheese. I wish that I could shed the critic in me, but even now, I try to enjoy what I see rather than critique it, but I can’t always do so.

In my adulthood, the DVD of this movie came out, but to my extreme disappointment, some scenes were censored. I could not understand why those would be deleted.

When I went to horror conventions, I begged bootleggers to find a version of the movie with all the scenes intact. They told me that they had never seen a laser disc for it, nor could they find a digital file.

A decade or so later, another DVD version came out, still censored, but it contained the deleted scenes in a bonus chapter. Unfortunately, these were VHS quality.

A few weeks ago, SCREAM FACTORY announced a Blu(e)ray version, and I pre-ordered it with the hope that I would not only see the deleted scenes restored, but also to see a full, uncut version with footage that I had not seen before, which SCREAM FACTORY sometimes offers.

It was not to be. This is the censored cut, and the deleted scenes are still VHS quality. I would have been appeased if the excised content were as crisp and vibrant as the main movie. It angers me that the footage was removed.

Let’s say that the footage was removed because of sexuality. Why is that a terrifying no-no? Whenever I hear someone ask the question “Is this porn?” I never regard that person as worth talking to. It’s stupid. There were actually people who criticized “Game of Thrones” for having nudity. It’s ridiculous.

Getting back to “sexuality” being the reason for the scene being gutted. Why not scrap the whole movie? The leggy outfits of the women, and the bountiful shots of naked breasts should result in the entire movie being burned. I am joking, of course. But I am not joking when I state that I despise squeamish people. They shouldn’t be allowed to watch movies unless they sign a contact that forbids them to ever give an opinion about movies or music. Fuck them.

I joined a couple of Facebook groups for fantasy writers, but I had to quite because I was horrified by the extreme stupidity of the members. It’s like they only want to write baby-stories for retards. How can characters who carry swords and daggers encounter conflict and be expected to behave in a way that would be approved by a human resources manager? Seriously, some of those idiots actually asked how to write trigger warnings in their garbage books.

It seems that even metal has been infiltrated by the brainwashed assholes. I hate this era. We are living in a period when stupidity is rewarded.

Returning to the movie, it’s not high art that would be degraded it the sex scenes were returned. Honestly, it’s a stupid movie. I like it for nostalgia, and for the boobs – but it’s idiotic, and I wonder why I loved it so much as a teen. Well, I couldn’t have loved it much because the only thing I remembered was boobs.

There was no consistent speech style. Some character talked like they were in a bible movie, while a couple talked in a New York accent with New York slang. I don’t know why that was allowed.

Watching the movie from start to finish was not easy because it was bad, and on top of that, I was furious that it was censored. But it was a fun trip down memory lane, and it was nice to see the parts that I did remember in this pristine form.

The other movie on this double feature is “Amazons” which I also saw in my early life. I didn’t remember a thing about this story either, other than boobs, but now that I am an adult, I don’t find the boobs in this movie attractive because almost all of them are fake. When I was a teen, I don’t think that I even knew that implants existed.

This story is ten times more stupid than “Barbarian Queen” and I had to take breaks from it for that that reason. Both movies have an ultra simple plot of evil warriors trashing a village, followed by a promise of revenge, and then a resolution. Barbarian Queen provides a lot of boobage along the way, but it doesn’t get as retarded as “Amazons” (the ending to that one is too infuriatingly stupid for me to write anything). While both movies could only be loved by a teen, Barbarian Queen at least was shot in the spirit of exploitation film.

Although this review is harsh, I purchased this Blu(e)ray and have no intention of re-selling it. The movies are part of my past. I’d love to get a fully restored “Barbarian Queen” but it seems like the movie industry is more interested in appeasing simple-minded people rather than providing a variety. There are some people who love offensive content, and some people like to see nudity when there are sex scenes. (Do you remember “The Last House on the Left” remake that showed a rape scene with the victim still in bra and panties? That must have been some pointy penis to have poked through the undergarment. But it’s not the only modern horror to water down shocking footage. )

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