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Mayhem interview with hellhammer

This interview with Hellhammer, drummer of Mayhem, was conducted by Bill Zebub for Issue #12 of The Grimoire of Exalted Deeds magazine, which was published in time for the Milwaukee Metalfest (the year of publication is not currently known, but Mayhem played)

Didst thou have sex with Kim from Ancient? Wilt thou back down from John McEntee if he challenges thee to a duel?

First of all, I back down from no one. And anyway, that other shit is, like, stupid rumors that follow me. You know?

Whatever happened to Popeye, the vocalist on Die Mysteries Dom Sathanas?

Oh well… he ate too much spinach. He got married to Olive Oil, and we never saw him again.

Dost thou think that thou art wasting thy talent by drumming for a black metal band? Wouldn’t a death metal or grind band be more appropriate for thy skill?

I could play in any type of band, even pop, if I chose. And so, if I thought I was wasting my time, then I wouldn’t do what I do.

Thy new singer, the one who sounds like a cat choking on a hairball, tries to use clean vocals at times. Or is that a different fag? In any case, he sounds more gay than someone who was thrown out of a fag bar. Didst thou allow this, or wert thou outvoted by the other homosexuals in the band?

(sarcastically) Firstly, how come you know so much about facts? Maniac, the vocalist you talk about. is actually the original vocalist from twelve years ago. Have yo been to that homo bar that you speak about? I don’t understand what the fuck you’re talking about – outvoted – you stupid ass!

Are there any traces of Euronymous’s writing in the new material, or is the riffing created by someone who adored the fat fuck?

No. All material is solely ours shit-head.

I am curious why thou calleth thyself “Hellhammer.” Is it because thou wanted to believe that when people were praising the Hellhammer band created by Tom Gaybird Warrior that they were really praising thee?

No. Of course not. But I think that Helhammer is a way better name than Bill Zebub. What a ridiculous question! Even fags like yourself should know better!

Art thou exploiting the notoriety of the stabbing, or art thou trying to make the world forget about it? I am wondering if there is any pressure on thee to be a continuation of what was started.

To play Mayhem is no pressure. We just carry on, follow our path. And so yes, I am exploiting the stabbing – actually in the most cruel way. And if you don’t back off soon, you can be next!

Is it true that when thou were struggling for money, that thou made ice pops by putting drumsticks in cups of apple juice and freezing them, selling them to kids, telling them that they were the jellied brains of Euronymous?

I’ve heard many times that you have a short dick.

Is it true that some of thy songs were inspired by candy? I heard that, over there, it is common to buy bags of various candy.

How stupid can you be? Of course you are totally misinformed about this,the faggot that you are. But you know, I think that when it comes to drugs, that you could have an answer. you know, I hear that in the gay world they probably call drugs “chocolate” and that’s why maybe I think you are so easily confused.

I heard that Count Grishnak played the bass on thy album despite the protests of Euronymous’s parents. I heard that it was an inside joke that thou wert credited with the bass lines because, in freindlier times, Varg Vikernes sucked so bad that Euronymous used to say “Gay Hellhammer can play bass better.”

I heard many times that you have a short dick.

Didst thou ever give shelter to an annoying American?

Are you talking about Kim? By the way, she was the one who often talked about your dick size, and we all would have a great laugh at your expense.

I am hoping that thou wilt tell me which black metal bands not to listen to.

You better find out yourself. I know what you’re up to here.

What would thou say if I told thee that Judas Iscariot declared himself a more proficient drummer than thou art?

I couldn’t give a shit about it. If someone is bragging about themselves, so be it. That is not something I will do.

Wouldst thou say that drummers are the rarest musicians in underground music? There are tons of guitarists, but bands everywhere complain that they cannot find drummers. Or is it that not everyone can have the stamina to play that style?

At a certain extent it is true. I think that the heart of the complaint is finding good drummers. The underground drummers like Judas Iscariot guys are a dime a dozen.

Dost thou see improvement in the way that extreme drumming is recorded, or dost thou favor poor production?

I’ve been in the game for sixteen years now, and a poor production is for a poor musician. But it is understandable that also it is either a lack of money or a lack of technical ability to play. This was usual in the beginning. It’s accepted if you are an amateur.

I would like to end this chat with the opportunity for thee to insult me and to have the last word, as our history together has been full of insults which might have seemed as if I had the final say. Unleash thy wanton revenge upon me.

Actually, I am not going to do that since you will get off on it. You seem to be like a sado-masochist. But I’m sure that I will see you at the Milwaukee Metalfest bar, and we shall discuss these matters further. Thank you, and fuck off.

Hellhammer
Hellhammer

Mayhem interview with Hellhammer

This is the first interview that Bill Zebub conducted with Hellhammer, the drummer of Mayhem, from issue #2 in 1993. To be fair, this is before Hellhammer had ever heard of Bill Zebub, so the replies to questions could have been like those given to children. There was no way that Hellhammer could have known how big the magazine was to become. Please don’t see this as any bravado from Bill Zebub, and do not see it as weak on the part of Hellhammer. It was a silly interview that I am sure Hellhammer did not take seriously. It is only re-printed here as a window back to an earlier time. Bill Zebub and Hellhammer met a few times in person over the years, and it was always a friendly encounter. If there will ever be another interview, it will be a chat between friends, but enjoy the chat before this was the case.

What art thy feelings on Euronymous’s death?

Things will go much faster. Mayhem has a new line-up. I can proceed more seriously without Euronymous.

Wert thou also a target?

No, but if those would like to try, then I knock them down.

Was thy position lost in the war?

You have to have a certain acknowledgement of The Circle to understand, but if you see it as power, that’s where I stand.

Dost thou believe that black metal has the vocals of Popeye the Sailor Man, while death metal is influenced by the Cookie Monster?

Mayhem’s vocals are a lot better than American vocals, which remind me of a dog with the flu.

Dost thou believe that wearing corpsepaint is a lesser form of transvestism?

Of course not, but if that’s turning you on, stay away!

Is it true that thou hast grown tame after the death of Euronymous?

No, not in any way at all. The Count did many a great favor by killing Euronymous.

Hast thou heard of Svarog? It is a barbarian black metal band from central Europe that is set to march against Norway, beating up all known black metal bands with their ancient weapons. (editor’s note – Bill Zebub made a 4-song cassette of Svarog. titled “Dyetski Voyaki” which was his test to see if black metal sold because of the music or because of the story. Bill Zebub invented a biography of a tribe of barbarians that Rome never conquered, and Czechoslovakia allowed a small region to self govern, sort of like the Amish in America. Bill Zebub played all instruments, and his lyrics, in Czech, were absurd, talking about how one should not allow gay spiders to crawl on his arm, or the words described the color and design of a woman’s handbag. The cassette sold out of two pressings on Elegy Records, after which Bill Zebub decided to make the tape out of print. He had proven his suspicion that it way hype, bit music, that sold. He also warned the Neckless Troll that he would one day reveal the prank, so fans might turn against the record label for the deception. Years later, the Neckless Troll and a drummer from a death metal band recorded four songs in a studio, to be part of a bigger album, but this project was not completed. Bill Zebu will resurrect this joke band soon)

I have never heard about any such thing before. With a name like Svarog, it is obvious that they are idiot children. They would be punished for trying.

Hellhammer
Hellhammer

Mayhem

Interview with Hellhammer conducted by Metal Monster for Issue #22

(Metal Monster): How do you like our beautiful city?
(Hellhammer): Oh well, it’s nicer than Brooklyn. I’ve been there before.

( Looking at Bill Zebub slouched against the alley wall) I think Bill Zebub is a little drunk.
(Looks Over at Bill) Oh yeah, he looks like it

Bill Zebub wanted me to interview you because apparently the two of you didn’t hit it off the last time he interviewed you. Do you remember that?
I remember that!

Bill wanted to do a more serious interview with you, and because I am such a big Mayhem fan, he asked me to do it. (pause) Have you ever tasted your own semen?
Uh. Nope.

Do you prefer to be called Hellhammer or Jan?
It’s the same

Hey, didn’t you release a solo album?
Uh. Nope.

You didn’t put out a solo album under the name Jan Hammer?
an Hammer?

Yes, Jan Hammer?
Oh, Jan Hammer! No.  (laughs)

Right,  You know Jan Hammer right?
Yeah, I know Jan Hammer. Miami Vice. Among other things, He’s also a drummer and yeyboard player.

What happened with the new Mayhem album? A lot of Mayhem fans are very disappointed with it..
Yeah?

I heard that there were plans to change the name of the band because the new music was so different. I heard you were going to change the name of the band to “Gayhem”. Is that true?
Gayhem? Um, not likely, but in some parts we are labeled Gayhem.

Wasn’t the name of the new album going to be “Chainsawbuttsfuck?”
Chainsawbuttsfuck? Well that’s kind of for (Hellhammer says something undecipherable) and all that for Norway, so that’s all right.
Did you ever have sex with a kleptomaniac chink slut named Kim?
(Bill Zebubis brought back to reality by my question and laughs in his booming trademark Viking laugh)
(laughs) Not as far as I can remember no.

That girl has sticky fingers, if you know what I mean?
Sticky fingers, yeah.

Do oriental girls have yellow vaginas?
Mmm, Yes they have.

They do. I understand you are Jewish..
(Laughs) No, that’s not true!

Well, Seth Putnam from the band Anal Cunt told me that you were a Jew.
That I’m Jewish?

That’s right, Jewboy.
No! That’s not true.

You made a very controversial statement that black metal was only for white people and that in Norway people didn’t like negroes. Do you still stand behind that statement?
Yeah, but they don’t!

I know it’s true. I agree with you..
Yeah, it’s true.

A few blocks from where we are now, there is a place called Harlem. I have a fun idea. Let’s go to Harlem and yell as loud as you can that you hate negroes. Just for fun. We could go down there and say “Hey blacks we don’t like you. You are not welcome in Norway!
Yeah okay. You go first.

Speaking of negroes and black metal, here is some trivia for you; Can you name the only negro that was in a classic Black Metal band from Canada?
Yes, it was in fact, Um. (Racks his brain for answer)

Your guitarist has a very similar name
Um

Come on… Blas-ph
Blasphemy!

The up side to being a negro in black metal is that they would probably save money on corpse paint because they would only need to buy the white paint.
Yeah, they can if they want. Absolutely!

What is your opinion of Fenriz?
Fenriz? A good friend of mine. An alcoholic of course, and a good drummer actually.

I understand he has some kind of strange smurf fetish?
 Smurf?

You know what a smurf is?
Yeah, those little blue naughty bastards. I think he likes to put them up his ass.

Fenriz is a huge star over here in America. He is on the covers of all the teen magazines like Tiger Beat and Big Bopper. I think there was some talk of Fenriz replacing Pierce Bronsnan for the next James Bond Movie, but he turned down the role.
That’s because I got the role!

All right, enough with the chitchat. Are you a better drummer than Fenriz?
(Yes, I definitely am.

Are you a better drummer than Akhenaten from Judas Iscariot?
Yeah.

Is it true that he beat you in arm wrestling?
(Yes it is.

He did beat you?
Yes. Actually I don’t remember because I was so fucking drunk.

I heard that you also tried to hit on his girlfriend, is that true?
Probably.

Yes, I’ve heard you are something of a womanizer..
No. (laughs).

You have a boyfriend?
Yes.

You do?
Yes

You do have a boyfriend?
Oh no! A girlfriend!

You should pay attention.
I’m fucking tired.

Yeah, do you usually get homosexual when you are tired?
No.

(Metal Monster): Am I keeping you awake?
(Hellhammer): No.

I can see that. Why can’t black children play in sandboxes?
Cat’s use the sandboxes to shit in

Close, because the cats keep covering them up! You like that?
I’ve heard it before

Really, then why didn’t you answer correctly?
No, I said..

Where is IT?
Hmm?

Where is IT?
Where is it?

Yeah, where is IT?
Uh..

Do you know where IT is?
No

Have you seen IT?
Seen what?

I was just wondering if you’ve seen IT?
But what is it?

No, where is IT?
What?!

IT!
It?

Yes
Oh IT!

Right!
IT, yeah, ha, ha, very funny, duh..

(Metal Monster): Since we are on the same page now, do you know where IT is?
(Hellhammer): Probably in Finland somewhere.

There is a large population of homosexuals here in New York City. Does that please you?
Of course it does! Ha, ha, ha, no, no!

You’re not going to hit me are you?
Nope

Good. Are you going to cry?
Nope

Besides your other band Kovenant, are there any other homosexuals in the Norwegian black metal scene?
A couple, yeah

Would you like to name any of them?
Hm.I better not, you know, because they can come out of the closet themselves.

Is it true that Euronymous was gay?
Um, I better not speak about this.

Grishnackh stated that he found a dildo with shit on the tip of it in Euronymous’ apartment..
Oh really, ha, ha, ha.

Did you ever see this alleged shit-tipped dildo?
Uh, no!

You’re sure?
I’m sure

You’re positive?
I’m positive

Did you ever see Euronymous with girls?
With girls, yes.

I was a little disappointed that Maniac did not cut himself tonight. Why didn’t he?
Um, because his knife got stolen in Milwaukee.

By the negroes?
I don’t know actually

 Would you like to arm wrestle me?
 Uh. no

Scared?
Shit scared

Hellhammer
Hellhammer